About
HOW CAN YOU FIND A
CLASSY MAN? HIS ABOUT PAGE
BEGINS IN HAIKU
Call me Oxhorn. Ishmael is too pretentious. My real name is Brandon M. Dennis, which you obviously know since you’ve bought my music on Amazon and iTunes. But anyway, my name is Oxhorn, and this is my live show. I call it Scotch & Smoke Rings because during the show, I drink scotch and blow smoke rings. Let me tell you all about it.
The Show
Many know that I started my e-celeb career as a maker of fine animated video game machinima movies and music, which you can watch and listen to at oxhorn.com. This, I still am. However, this show is about much more than video games. Of course, video games are always a welcome topic on the show, but I like to cover far broader topics; sometimes gaming, other times life-hacking; sometimes relationships, once in a while hygiene; sometimes tobacco, very often scotch—and so on. My interests are wide ranging, and I encourage viewers to chime in and ask me any question they see fit.
The Rules
This show is about what I like. If you like what I like, you’ll like the show. If not, you may get bored. I’m cool with that. I hope, rather that you’ll interact with the show and ask questions. That’s right, you can ask any question you want and I will do my best to answer, with the following exceptions:
- No questions about sex or naughty bits and pieces;
- Write no foul language;
- Troll not, lest ye be BAN HAMMERED;
- Ask the same question more than three times, and I will ignore you with the utmost vigor.
In short, gents and gent-esses, keep it classy.
Classiness
For me, the chewy nougat-y center of a man is his classiness. Everyone has his or her own class-factor. Mine, of course, is ten. I realize that it is hard to measure up to such a high standard, but my goal with this show is to give my viewing several the classy tools they need to raise their class-factor. Many of these tools are written in (hypothetical) stone over on my classy blog, Blogging with Class—specifically if you browse through the How to Be Classy category. Read up, O ye who aspire to classiness, and raise thy class-factor.
Scotch
My modus operandi is that most things are classy if enjoyed in moderation. Take scotch. It, my friends, is the classiest beverage of all beverages. The difference between whiskey and scotch is that scotch is a whiskey made in Scotland. If your whisky is made anywhere other than Scotland, you can’t call it scotch. Scotch is superior to all other spirits because it is only enjoyed by the toughest of classy men. Some call it harsh. I argue that they have only partaken of the lowest of scotches. A good scotch has an earthy, smoky, peat flavor, which I particularly enjoy. My favorite scotches are Glenfiddich and Laphroiag. Do you have a scotch suggestion? Bring it up during my next show!
Smoke Rings
Cigars or pipes–there are no other classy solutions. One may think that, as a partaker of the fine tobacco leaf, I would be well versed in its other forms, such as cigarettes and snuff. I am, but I do not use them. No, the only classy combustibles are cigars and tobacco pipes. The reasons are many, but I will sum up by saying that:
- Cigarettes are packed with paper. Pipes and cigars are not. Therefore, you consume fewer artificial toxins by smoking cigars and pipes;
- Cigarettes are far more addicting, and feed an addictive desire that is not classy;
- You inhale neither cigars nor pipes, so one’s risk from lung cancer in minimal.
I will, of course, never claim that cigars and tobacco pipes are safe, for indeed, they do increase your risk for lip, tongue and gum cancers (though this added risk is very low). I maintain, however, that they are far preferable to all other forms of tobacco.
The Children
Many of you fine parenting folk are concerned about The Children. Trust me when I say that I have no desire to make The Children go astray. It is up to you, the parent, to teach your child that tobacco is not an evil—it is the way that tobacco is sometimes used that is evil. This, in my humble yet classy opinion, is a great service I provide to you parents: I show The Children how to properly use tobacco when they become adults if they so choose. I do not inhale. I am not addicted. I do not waste $10 a day on a pack of cigarettes that have such a hold on my life that I take them with me everywhere I go and am forced by such a Master to excuse myself three times during a meal to satiate an uncontrolled desire. No, instead I sup on the fine tobacco leaf once in a great while, and instead of sucking down as fast as I can to get my kick, I enjoy it over the span of an hour, with a fine gentlemanly beverage, and with fine friends. When done, I extinguish the remaining, and go on to continue in worthy classy pursuits. You can thank me for performing this service for The Children by continuing to watch every week. And buying my albums.
Let me also point out that some of the public figures whose work you already allow The Children to consume also use gentlemanly combustibles, including C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, as well as great men of history whom you surely have taught The Children about, including Winston Churchill and John F. Kennedy. Surely The Children must be exposed to these great classy men, despite their use of the fine tobacco leaf.
So then my classy friends, thank you for watching my show. Contact me if you have any classy questions using the form below.
