Transcript:

Oxhorn:  Welcome, one and everyone, to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 153.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, this is the 153^rd episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, which means we have been doing this for 153 weeks, which means that that, in years, is a long time.  I don’t know how long it is in years.  It’s over two.   We’re due for a third year anniversary but I don’t know exactly when that date is.  If anyone who’s savvy at math is able to run the numbers for me and tell me how many years it takes to get to three years—how many weeks it would take to get to three years, that would be fantastic because I’m a humanities major.  Sorry.  You can’t expect someone who studied history in college to be able to do simple arithmetic.  That is my classy stance, so to speak.  But it is 7:01, ladies and gentlemen, and that means that the show has started.  I am your neighborhood friendly Oxhorn here, as always, with what?  My suspenders, that’s right, set to what?  Maximum stun.

Today, I already poured my scotch.  It’s a Scoresby scotch, a blended scotch whiskey, which is pretty fantastic.  Cheers, everybody.  Bottoms up.  And today I will also be smoking my electronic pipe, this fine gentlemanly device right here, the reasons for which are numerous and I will enumerate them to you momentarily.  But in the meantime, I’ve got to say how the heck are ya?  I’m just so gosh-darn golly glad that you’re here today.  We’ve had quite a history, you and I, spanning many years since 2004, I do believe.  You guys forgot to press play?  All right, hold on a second.  Press play.  Oh, it’s making me login?  Oh, OK.  Well, remind everyone in the chat to press play so that they’re not missing any more of this. And do you know what?  I actually forgot to tell everyone that I’m live right now.  So here we go.  Streaming live right now—spelled nao—episode 153.  Join the leetsauce, newbs.  Fantastic.  Oh, man.  My leet speak is still intact after all these years.  Fantastic.  Yeah, you know what?  I actually had this system set to automatically play as soon as I start broadcasting, but I don’t understand why it sometimes doesn’t do that.  I do have handy instructions there on the website, ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, saying if you don’t see any video, please press play.  But, you know, people don’t read these sort of things.

Anyway, how the heck are you anyway?  I’m so glad you’re here.  So glad that 153 weeks later, you guys are still here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com and are entertained by my beard.  I understand that a beard doesn’t hold the same sort of fascination to everyone as it does to me and it may not hold people enthralled for nearly three years but in this particular case, just look at all the people here.  It appears that it does.  How’s the lag before we get into everything?  How’s the lag?  I’m streaming at 640 times 3-something or other, which is a little bit better than last week because I just did not like the video quality last week.  So as long as it’s not lagging, then we’re good to go, right?  Fantastic.  Fantastic.  Everyone in chat is saying it’s good.  Great, well before we get started, I know many of you are wondering where my beautiful wife is and my beautiful baby boy, because I’ve been getting a lot of your emails.  You want to see him on camera and all of that.  So they’re both in the hospital right now.  No need to freak out.  Not a huge deal, but the little boy apparently had some sort of infection of some sort due to the nature of his birth.  I don’t really understand all of the scientific details, but the doctors are brilliant and amazing and they have been working hard on him.  Both Jodi and I have spent every night in the hospital for almost a month now, so I’ a little tired, but I managed to find my way home just to do this for you.  You can see by the jocularity of my facial expressions that it’s not a serious issue, otherwise I would not be so jovial.  So if I’m not freaking out, no need for any of you to freak out.

People are trying to guess the hospital that my wife and son are at.  Look, none of your doggone beeswax, my friends.  You don’t need to know the hospital that everybody’s at or anything like that.  I appreciate your concern.  But you know what?  We’re not here to talk about medicine.  We are here to talk about only a specific kind of medicine.  The kind of medicine that’s poured into a scotch glass, sometimes over rocks, sometimes not.  Sometimes single malt, sometimes blended.  Either way, a fantastic medicine for all.  So bottoms up, and cheers.  Kalgore says, “I feel a beard trim is necessary.”  My friend, you don’t restrain the wildness, right?  When you see a stag walking around in nature and his horns are massive and oppressive, do you go up to him and say, “You, sir, have failed in your daily grooming routine.  I think you need to trim you horns”?  You don’t, do you?  No, that would just be ridiculous.  And this right here, this is my raiment, right?  A lion has his mane, a stag has his antlers, I have the beard.  You do not trim the beard.  It does not need to be tamed.  It was meant to be wild and to flow free.  And as far as I’m concerned, it is doing both.  So thank you.  Thank you very much.

Now, I’ve got a ton of fan art from you all.  A lot, more than usual and so I’m happy to show it all off here.  So I’m going to go ahead and get it on my computer because that’s kind of important.  Oh, no.  That one didn’t work.  Oh, well this went down.  All right, so I’m going to show you my screen here.  Fantastic.  There.  There we go.  So this is, of course, a bacon sundae submitted by One Angry Soldier.  And he found a bacon sundae at Burger King and he thought bacon plus ice cream plus chocolate and caramel sauce?  That is good enough to submit to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Patrika says, “Good lord, I just had that yesterday.”  I have to admit, I have not had it yet.  Mack the Knife says, “Wait.  Wait.  Is that an electronic pipe?”  It is indeed, sir.  It is an electronic pipe and I will show you—tell you more details about it later.  But right now, we’re going through the fan art.  Anyway, we’ve got a bacon theme going on here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, so One Angry Soldier decided to send this on.  This one was submitted by CronoSticks[SP] and he says, “Goodnight, Ox.  It’s about time I head to bed, but I leaveyou with the only thing that can contest your class.”  And what is it?  It is a picture of my class.  That’s right.  The only thing that could be classier than myself is, of course, myself.  So thank you for that, CronoSticks.  That is apt.  You truly are a prophet.

Now this one was submitted by Jonith.  And it’s bacon wrapped chicken on a kabob.  It’s like a shish kabob with some sort of vegetables and mushrooms and fungus and bleh, I don’t know.  I don’t understand why you would mess up the wonder of meat plus meat by adding vegetables and fungi.  But apparently, this is apparently what goes in his household and, you know, I can’t hold him in contempt because to each his own.  To each his own.  The fact that he decided to wrap chicken in bacon, my goodness, that takes some brilliance right there.  Possibly even some clairvoyance.  It looks delicious.  I’ve got to say, I want some.   Then he went ahead and submitted this fantastic little number.  It says, “Fatherhood:  That place where the world stands still and you look at them for the first time and know that you would give up everything for them if they asked.”  And this is a touching photo of Oxhorn with, apparently, his baby dead cowbie.  Look at that.  Is that a dead cowbie?  I think so.  Anyway, he’s swaddled.  He’s pretty big, pretty big for a dead cowbie.  But I have to chime in here.  Would I give up everything for them if they asked?  Absolutely not.  That’s just my philosophy on child-rearing and I’m sure that I’m going to make a few people cantankerous, but my philosophy is, look, you do not spoil the child.  If they ask for the ice cream, you do not give up everything to give them the ice cream, right?  Oh, wait—that’s Cairne Bloodhoof’s funeral pyre?  OK, I don’t know.  It’s looking pretty doggone amazing there.  This is fantastic fan art.  Thank you very much.  But, you know, parents, you don’t have to give up everything for your child just because the child asks.  Maybe the child needs to be disappointed.  Maybe the child needs to experience disappointment and not getting his or her own way as part of growing up.  I the words of the Dread Pirate Roberts to Inigo Montoya, get used to disappointment.  Anyway, thank you for that.  I’m just being nitpicky.  This one is also by Jonith and look at it.  It’s an achievement.  It says, “Fatherhood for Oxhorn:  It’s a boy.  Gavin Michael Earl Dennis.  9 pounds even, 22 inches long.”  That’s pretty fantastic, I have to admit.  Thank you for that, good sir.  Greg Hartung says, “What if you have to donate a kidney?”  Well, of course.  If you have to hack off your body parts and give them to your own kin, that makes far more sense.  Your own kith and kin will be walking this earth long after you, so it’s kind of like trading out the old parts of a clunker to put them in a new Corvette.  The old clunker’s going to be collapsing at any time now.  You can already see the rust stains.  So why not cannibalize him a little bit and put him back in the newer model, right?  Yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Nethehholyhamlamer says, “Do you think you can make an Oxhorn machinima where Oxhorn meets Nova Domina and has his blood Tauren baby?”  My goodness.  You’re just wanting the romance novel of Oxhorn movies, aren’t you?  Man, I see the steamy intentions in your question and I have to say here, we have nothing but class so I don’t know if we’ll—OK, OK.  I’m probably assuming far too much.  You’re wanting the episode where Oxhorn and the blood elf Nova Domina meet, right?  OK.  Yeah, that’s quite possible.  I could do that.  Yeah, we’ll see.  I definitely will continue to make movies here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com and even Oxhorn.com, but definitely not the romance novel type.  “LOL.  I’d watch it,” says Ghoulbreath.  Oh my gosh.  [laughs]  Well, we’ll move on now.  Another one by Jonith.  He has just been intrepid this week.  And he says, “Motherhood:  All preparation in the world could never prepare you for that moment when your newborn baby looks at you and knows who you are and smiles.”  Aw.  I have to admit, that is pretty sweet.  That’s adorable.  I’m going to show this to the little lady and she will find it very touching.  Then we have this one, again by Jonith.   And it says, “Motherhood for Nova.”  It’s an achievement.  “It’s a boy: Gavin Michael Earl Dennis.  Mom and baby are safe and sound.”  Again, you are just a Photoshop wizard.  I love what you’ve got going on here.

And then we have some logo ssubmitted.  Last week I talked about some Scotch and Smoke Rings logos, apparently.  We were trying to brainstorm ideas for me to get rid of these beta keys that I have.  That’s right, I still have beta keys.  And I’m going to be doing contests to give them away.  Hold on, I guess I’d better go full screen for this.  Hold on.  Yeah, so I am going to be doing contests to give them away.  I’m sorry I haven’t done them yet.  I have been in the hospital for many weeks, so forgive me.  As soon as we’re all out of the hospital and everything is good to go and all of the personal details are aligned in order, I will be sure to sit down, crank out some contest ideas, and start to give away all of those Mists of Pandaria beta keys that I have.  Aubranu Punter says, “Ox, is this live?  I see the not live banner.”  My good sir—OK, I can’t chat at him because he’s at Livestream.com.  Somebody go into the chat and say go to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, Aubranu.  That is where this show is broadcasting right now.  He’s probably still going to my old Livestream channel, but I’ve moved to Twitch TV, so cheers to Twitch.  Buddy, thank you.  Give him the exact URL.  Say, go to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  I see a lot of Twitter questions.  All right, I’ll get to those in just a moment, but I’m going to finish off showing off your amazing fan art.  Let’s see here.  Anyway, so this is a site, a website logo submitted by Rashus.  And it’s pretty nice.  It looks like it’s wood.  It’s got a sort of wood grain, looking pretty nice here.  Next, we have another Scotch and Smoke Rings logo.  I believe this is either from Rashus or Lepidus Runetotem.  I’m not entirely sure.  I apologize.  I didn’t get the name on this one.  It’s probably still Rashus.  He submitted a number of them.  But this is another logo and it’s looking pretty nice.  And then we have this.  Again, I forget who submitted it to me, but I really love it.  It says Scotch and Smoke Rings with Oxhorn, ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  It’s looking pretty good.  And, oh yeah.  So that one I couldn’t get because it was no longer available.  Anyway, that was bacon-flavored baby formula.  Awesome.  [laughs]  I’m going to have to invest in some of that.

All right.  Well, we have a lot of Twitter comments and I’m definitely going to go through them here in just a moment.  But you know what?  I feel like I have an evil elf that has inhabited my computer and it’s probably going to act out on me fairly soon.  He hates the fact that I hate night elves and blood elves and am an elfist, and so I’ve got this virus that just randomly puts ads on my program.  Just blame the elves.  They’re cantankerous and evil but apparently, they’re going to be doing one soon so here it goes.  You don’t have to click on anything.  You don’t have to.  [pause]

UberROFLMAO says, “I made that last logo, Ox.”  Thank you, sir.  Thank you very much for that last logo.  [laughs]  “And it’s an Assassin’s Creed commercial.  Sweet,” says Patrika.  Fantastic.  Urano Metria[SP] on Twitter says, “What kind of fan art would you appreciate, mister?  Good morning from Sweden.”  Well good morning to you.  [speaking Swedish].  Also my accent is probably atrocious, but [speaking Swedish]—how do I say that in Swedish?  Anyway, pleasure to have you here all the way from Sweden.  We love our Scandinavian friends here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  UberROFLMAO says, “I made the black logo,” on Twitter.  Thank you very much, UberROFLMAO.  We’re so pleased that you’re here today.  Patrika on Twitter, who is usually a very timely and consistent patron of ScotchAndSmokeRings.com says on Twitter, “Forgive me for not showing up for the past two weeks.  I’ve been settling into my new place.  Anyways, I send my love to Nova and to Gav.”  Well, it is a pleasure to have you here as always, Patrika.  I’m glad that you’ve got a brand new place and I hope you settle in just fine.  Ha ha, what’s Scotch and Smoke Rings without smoke rings?  [pause]   Mortuusfan says, “Hey dear Oxhorn, this is Mortuusfan.  I’m not sure why my name showed up as One Angry Soldier because I don’t use that name anymore.  Sorry.”  That’s OK.  That’s just what it said, but I will attribute the fan art to you anyway.  It was not One Angry Soldier who submitted that fantastic bit of fan art.  It was, of course, Mortuusfan.

What?  Ghoulbreath says, “Are you one of those bully brothers or not or more of a bean?”  I believe you’re asking in terms of brotherhood was I the bully or was Brian.  Well, I was the older so, yeah, I was the bully.  I did atrocious things to my poor little brother.  I feel bad about it now, but at the time it was completely justified because he was my annoying little brother.  Right?  When you have an annoying little brother, you have to do all sorts of horrible and evil things to him just to show him how annoying he is.  He’s not going to learn otherwise.  But now that I am an adult who has attained class, I realize the evil things that I’ve done to him.  We’ve made up.  We’ve made up.  I no longer pin him to the ground and hang lugees a few inches from his face, often.  Ghoulbreath says, “You always read my to chat comments and miss my to Ox comments.  Kind of funny.”  I apologize.  I just, I tend to catch the ones that I find most interesting.  Nethehholyhammer says, “Oxhorn, does that mean that you weren’t classy as a child?  If so, when did you become classy?”  Truth be told, it’s very hard for children to be classy in the same way that it’s hard for children to be mature.  Maturity comes with age, experience, and a fully developed human cranium.  Likewise, class comes with age, experience, and being taught refinement.  Refinement doesn’t come naturally.  It’s not something you’re born with.  You should all read my manifesto on class, which is at BloggingWithClass.com.  Just click on the About Class link at the top.  You’ll be able to read—Jonith says, “Look at BloggingForClass.com.”  No, it’s BloggingWithClass.com, my friend.  Blogging with Class.  “Can teens be classy?” says Ghoulbreath.  I suppose so.  It depends on how mature one is.  I definitely was not a classy teenager.  I really only attained class when I grew the beard and that, of course, happened in adulthood.  No, wait.  I was born with the beard.  That’s right.  I forgot.  I’m sorry.  Anyway, class, it’s a state of mind.  It’s appreciating the finer things in life is what it is.

Yougurt101 says, “You’re frozen on my screen.”  Is anyone else seeing any problems?  Mortuusfan says, “Anyone can be classy.  Watching ScotchAndSmokeRings.com is a good way to start.  Consider it classiness school.”  And indeed, it is true.  Thank you, good sir, for pointing out such a truth, a universal truth.  “You were born with a beard?”  I was, Shadowclass, as was my son.  I had to shave it off to keep up appearances, but he was born with a full beard, curly, kind of red.  All right, let’s see if I can get this up and running.  Liam9595 says, “Oxhorn, have you been playing Diablo?  I’m just about to.    Ickyptang says, “Your home site keeps freezing up, but on Twitch TV, it’s working perfectly.”  OK, if you’re having a hard time getting the show to broadcast, I suppose try watching it from Twitch TV to see if Ickyptang is correct.  But most of you are not experiencing lag, so that’s good.  Anyway, to answer your question, Liam, I was in the beta and so I played Diablo 3 all the way to the skeleton king and then I stopped.  I haven’t bought the real game yet.  I know, I feel kind of bad.  My brother, however, has and he’s beaten the game a number of times.  And the last time he came to help co-host the show, afterwards we sat down and I watched him play Diablo 3 for a very long time.  And I’m impressed.  It’s a good game.  Although I have to admit—well, I don’t want to spoil the ending for everyone.  I don’t know.  What do you guys think of the ending to Diablo 3?  Don’t give away details, but what’s your overall impression?  Awesome, great, or eh?

Patrika says—oh, we’ve got some noise going on over here.  Patrika says, “I wanted to buy a cigar or pipe, but my apartment doesn’t allow smoking of any kind so boo-urns.”  That is probably true.  Really, in Canada they don’t?  I suppose that makes sense.  They are becoming quite hippie in Canada, but you could try smoking outside or in a public place.  I’m not exactly sure what the laws are up there.  Ironstomp says, “Ox, sorry I haven’t been watching a lot.  Exams are a pain.”  Schooling is important.  Probably far more important than many other things.  Not necessarily more important than class and becoming classy, so watching this show does take priority over schooling.  That’s right.  I’m going to go ahead and say it.  ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, more important than college.  Yeah.  Cheers to that.  Portly?  Thundergod91 on Twitter says, “Good eve, my fellow portly fellow.”   Fellow twice.  “How are you and cheers.”  My friend, what on earth makes you think that I am portly?  This, it all comes together as a package of class and manliness, is what that is.  So I don’t know.  I don’t know about portly, not that it’s a token of shame, mind you.   Nothing to be ashamed of for being a little portly.  [laughs]  Is he going out?  Oh, that’s right.  I was going to tell you a bit about my electronic pipe.  So this was a fairly inexpensive gadget.  I got it for $35 online.  I’m going to have to share with you the links, but fairly inexpensive.  The refills are also inexpensive.  I have a stack of them over here somewhere.  But it takes water vapor, so it just atomizes water vapor.  It comes in gelatin capsules and then it vaporizes it and it turns into water vapor.  You can get the nicotine filled versions or the regular versions and this has no nicotine, no flavor, no smoke.  It’s just pure water vapor.  I do this because now that I’ve got a little boy, I don’t to be smoking around him and I’ve got family in town and I don’t want to be smoking around them, so water vapor.

Autumn says, “I technically shouldn’t be here because I’m really sick, but I can’t completely miss Oxhorn.  LOL.”  My friend, if you are sick, this is the best place to be.  This show is like digital chicken soup.  It really is.  There’s far little on the internet that’s going to make you feel better than watching an episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  So kudos to you, my friend.  You came to the right place.  I hope that after this program, your ills are a little lesser, just a little lesser.  [pause]  [laughs] If you don’t like chicken soup, I’m so sorry.  It was an expression.  OK.  So this show is the digital chicken soup.  If you don’t like chicken soup, it could be the digital hummus falafel.  Yougurt101 says, “All I see is a classy screen of your frozen smile.”  Arg, I wish someone would fix this.  Guys, I’m a mod.  You do realize that I’m a mod, right?  So, just a warning.  “Turkey soup,” says Ghoulbreath.  Turkey soup would work.   Maygurecker[SP] says, “Why are you wearing a hat indoors?”  Truelawl[SP] says, “It’s soon five in the morning, but I need Ox.”  Well, I’m so glad that both of you are here, but many of you are commenting on the state of my cranial arrangements and this is just my head.  Right?  It’s not like I’m wearing a hat because I’m ostentatious and I demand attention.  No, this is just the way my head is.  You know StrongBad?  He doesn’t have a mask on, neither is he typing with boxing gloves.  That’s just the way he is.  I, similarly, was born this way so listen to Lady Gaga and don’t hate.  [laughs]

Kalgore93 says, “Oxhorn, hey.  I was wondering if I could get a shout out.  Just graduated high school and I am now releasing unto society.”  Good sir, congratulations for graduating from high school and I hope society treats you well.  It’s rough out there.  But you know what?  A classy gentleman like yourself can wade through the terrors and trials of living in such a society and come out unscathed.  If not unscathed, with manly scars to show your battle wounds.  Gorndt says in all caps, “SHOW US THE BABY.”  My friend, I would be happy to.  As I told everybody earlier, the wife and the baby are elsewhere at the moment.  But hopefully by next week they will be back and I will show off the baby.  If you want to see the baby, go two weeks in the past at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  I showed off the baby on camera.  I think it was episode 151.  Check it out.  You’ll be able to see the baby in that episode.  But as for right now, the baby and the wife are elsewhere.  They will be back next week and I will be sure to show off the baby at that time.  Additionally, I did post photos up on Facebook, so Facebook.com/OxhornPage, my good friend, and you will be able to find some photos of the baby.  And if you’re asking about his beard, I understand, but I had to shave it off because I’m concerned about people picking on him as a child.  The poor boy was born with a beard, but he also has to get through elementary school though so what can you do?  I’m just thinking about his safety here.  [laughs]

Kalon54 says, “Hey, Ox, I love your videos.  I’ve been watching them since I started WoW.  I had on the videos on my iPod.”  Fantastic.  I think I still have my video podcast up.  [laughs]  Gorndt says, “Congratulations.  When do you add more arrows to your quiver?”  All right, so Gorndt is my good buddy from back in my WeGame days.  We used to work together.  And there’s a verse in the Bible that says, “Happy is the man whose quiver is filled with many arrows.”  He’s referring to procreation, the verse is referring to having a child.  And the goodly Gorndt says, “When will you add more arrows to your quiver?”  Ha, very nice.  I’m glad you remember.  Soon, soon.  We, indeed, will have a quiver filled with many arrows.  Little Gavin is just the first of many projectiles.  I don’t know.  Are we going to have five kids, six kids, ten kids?  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll even get my own TV show if I have too many.  We’ll see.  We’ll see.  FoxyPandaren says, “OMG, more of you?”  Absolutely.  Come on.  Procreation, man.  My seed shall walk the Earth.  Sorry, that came from some deep down instinctual place within me.  I can’t explain it, it just happened.  [laughs]  Anyway, Kalon, I’m so glad that you’re a fan and that you’ve been watching my videos for a very long time.  I will be making more soon.  I hope you saw my latest one, “The Panda Exterminator”.  ThunderGod91 says, “Ox, the drink.  She is lonely.”  You, my good sir, are correct and you couldn’t be more correct.  So cheers to all of you fine ladies and gentlemen who are here in this chat partaking of my unique brand of poetry.  Yes, this is my morning mouthwash.

Buddy says, “I am not classy enough to be here.  I bid you good day, sir.”  My friend, look, this is like a classy training incubator.  You don’t have to be classy to watch, but by virtue of watching, you may become classy.  You see how this works?  You don’t need to leave in shame, my friend.  Just stay and you’ll get there.  You’ll get there.  Blagtoof says, “Hey, Ox, long time no see.  Been busy hauling freight across the great country of ours.”  Kudos to you, sir.  We’ve got to have men on the ground doing fine and noble things such as the things that you do.  Haul that freight, good sir.  Bring things from one corner of the United States of America to the other.  And in the meantime, watch Scotch and Smoke Rings.  [laughs]  Findoora the almighty hunter says, “I loved Ox’s last vid a bit more than the other because I was in the first part.”  [laughs]  That’s right.  We had all of you fine fans help me with that video.  A lot of you were the actors in that movie.  For those who haven’t seen it yet, it’s called “The Panda Exterminator” at Oxhorn.com.  You can watch it there.  RxBacon says, “Stay classy.”  Stay classy, my friend.  If you must leave, I completely understand but we do have 30 minutes left in this program, so do not go yet if you can at all keep from doing so.   Zephera says, “Oxhorn’s quite a unique fellow.  Where is he from?  Very classy.”  Why thank you.  I’m pleased that you can recognize class when you see it.  I am from the fantastic state of Washington, from the city of Seattle.  I am surrounded by a bunch of hippies and hipsters, bra burners and people that smell like hemp and potpourri.  And yet, I am able to stand within their midst and smell of cigar smoke and scotch, while growing my manly beard and eating my daily beef.  It’s a tough life, but someone has to do it.  [pause]

Ickyptang says, “I missed the first ten minutes of the show.  Any reason for the picture in picture display?”  I just figured it would be interesting.  This way, you get two different sides of my class.  One is the full-on chin.  The other is the sort of side beard.  You’re getting a front beard and a side beard.  “Yo, Oxhorn.  Pipes give you cancer,” says Niksum.  I’m burning.  It’s on fire.  Ah.  Ah, it’s a burning thing that’s on fire.  Ah.  [laughs]  [pause]  Gorndt says, “I think the double angels look good.”  Oh, double angles, angles.  Maybe I just misread you, Gorndt.  I was going to say, you can see my angels?  Oh, my goodness.  [pause]  Niksum says, “You don’t even play WoW and yet you make WoW vids?”  My friend, I do indeed play WoW.  I have been subscribed to World of Warcraft since the day it came out, am still subscribed to this day and login every now and again to make videos.  But I still pay for my subscription so therefore I play WoW, all right?  Sanji says, “Poor, poor lonely scotch.”  I’m so glad that you guys are here to remind me when it’s time to drink.  Just like I have to remind my wife when it’s time to take her medicine.  Cheers.  Jonith84 says, “You are very lively tonight.  What has gotten into you?”  Am I livelier today than I usually am?  I don’t know.  I have been cooped up in hospitals for almost a month, so maybe I’m just happy to be here.  Maybe that’s what it is, so that’s what we’re going to go ahead and say.  Gorndt says, “Oxhorn is so saintly he has an angel on each shoulder.  No room for the devil.”  Indeed, I’ve had a number of devils petition to sit on my shoulder because as unclassy creatures, they’re trying to soak up my class in some way.  But I’m sorry, I’m booked up in advance with all of the angels that come to my assistance.  Roland says—[laugh].  I’m sorry.  Roland says on Twitter, “The very first thing I heard you say when I came onto the show is, ‘My seed shall walk the Earth.’  Care to give me some context?”  [laughs]  Oh, yeah.  OK, I guess that is the danger of doing a live broadcast.  Yes, Roland, I apologize if that sounds kind of strange.  But someone was asking me how many children I intended to have and I was using a rather floral way to say many.  Many.  [laughs]

Mortuusfan says, “Dear Oxhorn, did you receive Greg Hartung’s very classy fan art?  He sent it to you an hour ago.”  Sorry, I haven’t.  I just checked my mail just before doing this program and I didn’t see any.   So Greg, I realize that you send fan art on a frequent basis so please feel free to send more.  “How many children do you intend to have?” says nethehholyhammer.  Again, I don’t know the exact number.  We’ve been tossing around the idea of five.  Definitely three or more.  Definitely three or more.  We haven’t decided on the final number yet.  But I’m sure as soon as we know, I’ll let you know.  [pause]  Betrathomer says, “A quiver has 24 arrows.”   Really?  Awesome.  I’d better get busy.  No time for shows.  Got to get busy.  Gorndt says, “What does your beard look like when you comb it down instead of big and out?”  Look, there’s no combing down.  There’s just big and out.  This is probably over six months of growth and as you know, a man’s facial hair stops growing after two years.  Two years is his terminal growth.  And I think I’m actually going to try and go for that record right now.  So I’ve got a year and a half to go until I’ve reached my terminal length.  But look, it sort of just does a thing of it’\s own.  It’s not like—I don’t know.  It’s hard to manage at times, but there are products out there, I just haven’t quite gotten myself to the point of wanting to get beard products.  Although if you go to my website ScotchAndSmokeRings.com and check out the shop, you will find all sorts of moustache waxes and beard shampoos and all sorts of interesting things to help your beard grow.  Of course I always say if you’re a baby-faced gentleman and want to get your beard to grow, just rub a little scotch on your chin, just a little scotch.  It helps.

“One side is fuzzier than the other,” says Ghoulbreath.  Really?  Is it?  I think it’s pretty even.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should hire some sort of Hollywood hairdresser to trim it and arrange it in a perfectly symmetrical shape.  UberROFLMAO says, “Ghoulbreath was wondering if you liked his smoke ship last week.”  Indeed, I did.  I don’t recall whose smoke ship I used last week, but it might’ve been his.  True lawl says, “If you had to choose to play a night elf or a blood elf, who would it be?”  Obviously blood elf simply because they are Horde, but I just don’t play elves.  No need to, right?  ThenextGman says, “Hey, Ox, can I get a congrats?  I just reached level 85 for the first time.”  You’re wanting me to congratulate you for reaching level 85 how long after Cataclysm?  Of course.  That’s a great achievement.  Hey, congratulations, my friend, for reaching level 85.   There’s no such thing as too late.  Taking your good, sweet time.  No, no such thing.   [pause]  What?  Freddie Mercury—all right, let’s try.  OK, there you go.  [pause]  One moment.  [pause]  Did I—I don’t know.  I think I did.

Gorndt says, “Who is the classiest super hero?”  Gosh, that’s a good question.  Classiest super hero.  I’m leaning towards Thor.  I don’t know.  I mean, he’s definitely got the sort of machismo, manly, do not apologize for my actions sort of thing going on.  But class is a wholly different thing.  It’s that plus refinement, plus knowing what you want.  “Professor X is pretty classy,” says Gorndt.  Indeed, he is.  I know why you think he’s classy, though.  You just like bald people.  I see what it is.  Look, it’s a prejudice against hairy individuals.  All right, what super hero has the manliest man beard of all?  Sabretooth?  He’s classy.  Are there any others?  They’re classy, too.  That’s the way this goes.  Deadpool?  Dr. Strange?  Captain America is classy.  Yes, Gambit.  I do like Gambit.  That’s true.  Thor’s dad.  Odin?  Yeah, Odin’s good.  Liam9595 says, “How is life?”  I am so glad you asked that question.  Let me tell you what I did this morning and had for breakfast.  I kid, I kid.  But life is fantastic.  Couldn’t be happier.  All of the things are coming together into one epic life, I’ve got to say.  [pause]  Really?  Interesting.  Bayonety says, “I love you Oxhorn.”  Well, the feeling is wholly mutual.  I just—where would I be without the fantastic fans, I have to say.  OMG it’s matt says, “OMG, it’s Oxhorn.  I haven’t seen him in years.  Oxhorn, I forgot.   Have not seen him in ages.”  Pleasure, my friend, to have you here.  I have been busy.  I have not been absent.  You can check out my exploits at Oxhorn.com.  New movies, new fan art, all sorts of fantastic things going on there.  And, of course, BloggingWithClass.com for my class and ScotchAndSmokeRings.com for this fantastic show.

ElToroGuaco says, “Thunder God, how Viking.  Norse roots or do you actually live in Scandinavia?”  Neither, though I did study Scandinavian history when I was in college with the intent of reading the Eddas and the Sagas in Old Norse, I believe, is what it’s called.  I just really enjoy Scandinavian history and mythology, so I studied it a lot when I was in school.  And I know a little bit of Swedish, but that’s really where it ends.  I didn’t follow through. I instead became a history major and focused on Greek classics.  [pause]  ElToroGuaco says, “Haha, Ox.  That was meant for one of the other members here, but fine.”  Look, I just assume everything is about me, right?  I mean, this is my show, my chat.  I’m just assuming that every conversation is focusing solely around me.  You mean that’s not the case, that people talk about other things besides moi?  This is a stark revelation.  I’m going to have to go back and meditate upon my life.  [pause]  How are your smoke rings, Gorndt?  It’s been a while since we’ve had a cigar smoking session.  Are you keeping up with your smoke ring skills?  You need to come on up to Seattle and we will have a recording of smoke rings, just so that you can show all the fans how you’ve progressed, or if you have progressed.  [pause]  Mascots?  Mortuusfan says, “Dear Oxhorn, you forgot the show mascots again.  They used to be a regular part of the show.  What happened?”  Apparently, I’ve forgotten.  Show mascots?  Did we ever have mascots?  I thought I was the mascot.  Hat is still on vacation.  He’s been on vacation for quite some time.  Oh, the plushies.  The plushies.  No, they’re still here.  Here, see?  Check it out.  Yep, they’re just on the wall to the side of me instead of behind me because I don’t have a lot of room here.  It’s getting crowded in this fantastic new office of mine.  Oh, there we go.

Diego423 says, “Have you been to Hawaii, Oxhorn?”  No, I haven’t been to Hawaii but I plan to go sometime.  I have family that has gone to Hawaii and—actually, I take that back.  I was in Hawaii in utero.  That’s right.  Before I was born, I spent time in Hawaii, but that’s really about it.  [pause]  [laughs]  ThunderGod91 says, “Ox, all of our mighty beards rival each other.  The Vikings and the Irish, just one big mess.”  That’s true.  The Celts and the Scandinavians have had a long history of fantastic, manly beards.  Roland says, “So Ox, having just gotten here, I know not what you are smoking and drinking.  So what are you smoking and drinking?”  I am drinking some Scoresby blended scotch whiskey.  Not the best scotch whiskey, but for a fairly affordable bottle—I think this one was nine dollars—it’s pretty decent.  And this is, of course, my electronic pipe.  Mr. White says, “Did hat something away, Ox?  I’ve been a long-time member of your channel, since episode 19.”  Wow, that’s a very long time ago.  Thank you for staying so long.   [claps]  Many congratulations to you, my friend.  Hat is on vacation.  So he used to be a regular attendee of this program and he even used to help us co-host the WeGame weekly video review way back in the day, right Gorndt?  You remember that?  But sadly, he decided to explore the world and he’s just been trucking ever since.  So whenever he gets his fill of world travel, he will be back and I’m sure he will take up his mantle as regular co-host here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.

Linsday says, “Where are the smoke rings?”  All right.  It’s coming.  Calm thyself.  Gorndt says, “Hat just passed through San Francisco.  We had lunch.”  Oh, I’m so glad you guys are keeping in touch.  Yeah, he’s a fine gentleman, that Hat the singing turtle, a fine gentleman.  He’s got a new album coming out.  I’ll let you know when it’s done.  [pause]  Oh, those were horrible.  All right, let me try again.  Theboilblood[SP] says, “Can you say something in Swedish?”  [Speaking in Swedish]—as I have often said on this fine program—[speaking in Swedish].  [pause]  There you go.  Those are some better smoke rings.  Urano Metria says, “You do like those redheads, don’t you, Ox?”  [laughs]  Great.  We’ve got some Swedish speakers here in the chat.  Yes, I do love the redheads because I married a beautiful redhead.  That’s just the way I roll.  [laughs]  I’m glad you guys can understand my Swedish.  [Speaking Swedish].  “What genre of music are you listening to?” says Simosilla[SP].  I am listening to popular jazz from the 1920s and 1930s.  In fact, if you would like to be listening to the same stream that I am listening to at the moment, Google Radio Dismuke, D-I-S-M-U-K-E.  It’s a free live streaming radio station that I just really enjoy.  Theboilblood says, “Yeah, I love redheads, too.”  All right.  We all have great taste here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  [laughs]  [Speaking German].  How do you say German in Swedish?  I know Japanese in Swedish is Japonsk.  American in Swedish is Amerikansk.  English in Swedish is Engelsk.  Tyska.  Linsday says Tyska.  Tyska.  Is that German in Swedish?  OK.  [Speaking Swedish]  [pause]

There you go.  There are your smoke rings.  See?  This show is aptly named.  We have the smoke rings and, of course, we have the scotch.  Lindsay says, “How come you can speak Swedish?”  Or in Swedish it would say [speaking Swedish]?  I took Swedish when I was in college.  I studied Scandinavian studies and part of the requirements was that I learn Swedish as a prerequisite to learning Old Icelandic.  I never actually got to that point, but—not old Icelandic.  Old Norse?  I forget.  Oh, mack the knife says, “Aw, my Turtle Beach headphones just broke.”  That’s a bummer.  Turtle Beach headphones are expensive.  [laughs]  Mortuusfan says, “Dear Oxhorn, my very classy lady, Megan, is watching the show now and I was wondering if you could give her a shout out.”  Absolutely.  We love giving shout outs to all of the classy lady friends and gentle friends that happen to be watching the program because mainly we get more people watching, so kudos to you.  Glad you’re here, Megan.  [pause]  [laughs]  Lepidus of Runetotem says, “Man, I wish I could be part of this fan base even further.”  There are many ways you could further yourself in your fandom.  Keep coming here to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com every week, same Ox time, same Ox channel.  Submit your fan art to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  I will do my very best to show it off.  And if you really want to prove yourself as a fan, well you could buy my albums.  Yeah, or even go to my shop on CafePress and buy mugs and t-shirts or better yet, ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Click on the Shop and buy some class.  That’s right.  I have a whole lot of class listed.  I’m planning on adding even more class.  I may or may not get a commission from everything sold.  I’m not going to divulge but if you want to be a true fan, a true fan, you’ll buy my stuff.  There you go.  [laughs]

Roland says, “Ox, have you ever played any of the more medieval themed games, such as a game from the Stronghold series or Mount and Blade?”  I have played medieval theme games before.  I haven’t played either of those.  One of the medieval themed MMOs that I really enjoyed was Dark Age of Camelot.  I played that game for a very long time.  It was really, actually, my first introduction to massive multiplayer online RPGs.  I played my main character in that game was Staghorn.  He was a Hibernian hero, firbolg who could turn into a giant stag.  I don’t know.  Maybe there’s something about anthropomorphism that I really enjoy.  I don’t know.  Definitely not into the furry culture.  Just saying.  Definitely not into the furry culture.  “What are your opinions on the recorder, the wind instrument?” asks Jonith.  I have nothing but respect for the recorder.  I, of course, prefer the pennywhistle because it is simpler and easy to master, in my opinion.  But for those who like the recorder, it’s a little bit—you’ve got a few more finger holds, but it’s a fine instrument.  [playing recorder]  A staple, of course.  [playing recorder]  How does it go?  [playing recorder]  Hey, I still have it.  [laughs]  Theboilblood says, “I have a summer job and with some of that money, I need to buy a top hat.”  If you are looking for top hats, I have a fine selection of both derbies and top hats, bowler hats and the esteemable top hat at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Check out the Shop section and you’ll be able to find a fine selection there.   “King of the Fairies is too easy,” says Diego423.  It is, indeed, a fairly simple song to play, but I really enjoy it.

“Smoke ship time,” says Patrika.  Indeed, thank you for reminding me.  I almost forgot.  And look, I even had a particular video game all queued up to play it, but we kind of got ahead of ourselves just chatting.   No video games today.  Maybe next week I’ll show off some video games.  But it is, indeed, smoke ship time so what would you like to see?  What is on your minds?  We, as always here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, at the end of the show, we blow into existence a smoke ship a la the kind that the very good Gandalf would do in the Lord of the Rings.  I, of course, am one of the few mortals on this coil bestowed with the ability to blow smoke ships out of smoke, and I am going to share that talent with you tonight.  But tonight, we must know exactly what kind of smoke ship you would like to see.  Is it a zeppelin?  Is it a galleon?  Is it perhaps even a tank?  I really don’t know if that would be considered a ship.  Nova Domina, my beautiful wife says, “Honey, Jovo wants to know why it’s called a pennywhistle.”  Jovo is, of course, her sister who is now my sister.  It is called a pennywhistle because they used to cost a penny.  It was a very simple, easy instrument to afford.  They used to be called a penny—they’re also called tin whistles and they were called tin because they were made from tin.  So a tin whistle made from tin.  Pennywhistle, they cost a penny.  Tin whistle is more of a European phrase.  Pennywhistle is more of an American phrase, but they both work.  It’s the same instrument.  Goodness.  Shyster112 says, “Ox, I’m so sorry I missed the show today.  I was in a car wreck earlier today.  Care to give some good luck to my family?  I’d appreciate it.”  Absolutely, my friend.  Gosh, that sucks.  Let me respond to him on Twitter.  [pause]  Poor guy.  Anyway, yeah, absolutely.  Major shout out to you and your family.  Hope you guys get well.  [laughs]  Flyawaybird says, “Can you send a shout out to lagspike, my brother?  He plays the tin whistle because of you?”  Absolutely.  Major shout out to lagspike.  We love anyone who can play the tin whistle here.

Shadowclass says, “The zeppelin led by Oxhorn called Classbringer bombs Pandaria,”—whoa, they’re flying off the screen.  Ah, it’s going by way too fast.  Right, hold on.  Blagtoof says, “The Black Pearl, Ox standing next to Captain Jack Sparrow,”—and it flew off.  All right, hold on a second.  This is just going by way too fast.  How can I pop out my chat?  [laughs]  Wow, way too fast.  ElToroGuaco says, “Smoke ship.  Hat driving a flying zeppelin through the Earth on his vacation, while leprechauns are dancing on the deck and Vikings drinking scotch arm-wrestle Taurens.  Whoa.   Now that is a smoke ship.  OK, I’m going to scroll up and see if I can find those.  Yougurt101 says, “An army of unicorns,”—and it flies off the screen.  “An army of unicorns riding a kodo, eating gnomes and chasing elves with bacon bats and gravy boats firing gravy balls upon the elves while Oxhorn leads the charge in his bacon captain’s hat.”  [laughs]  You guys have the best imaginations, I have to say.  Ghoulbreath says, “Oxhorn sailing a huge bacon galleon past a hospital where Nova  and Gavin watch happy at Ox, Stag and Ox and Mort waiting in the waiting room pacing around as well, with bacon gifts for the sick baby.”  Very, very nicely done.  “Followed by a good scotch salute,” says Sanji.  You can’t say no to a good scotch salute.  Lindsay asks, “Does the electronic pipe taste like real tobacco?  Have you tried Swedish snus?”  I haven’t tried snus, but it’s not my cup of tea because I believe you put it into your gums and it’s—I mean, there’s no joy for me in using snus because it just places the nicotine directly into your bloodstream and takes away the whole smoke factor, which I particularly enjoy.  You don’t actually inhale pipe smoke, by the way, for those who are wondering.  You just bring it into your mouth and expel it.  These come with any number of flavors.  The tobacco flavored version does taste a little bit like tobacco, but I prefer the no flavor version.  [pause]

All right. Smoke ship, smoke ship, smoke ship.  Let’s see.  “The Black Pearl, Ox standing next to Captain Jack sparrow at the helm,” says Blagtoof.  “Sails made of bacon, while Nova dances across the deck, Jack yelling, ‘Why is the rum gone?’ while the invisible pink unicorn cheers from shore.”  [laughs]  That’s pretty great.  Shadowclass, “The zeppelin led by Oxhorn called Classbringer bombs Pandaria with goblin bombs and sends Mr. Evil, Mortuus, and Stag to kill all Pandaren and Mortfan and Shadowclass help him plan his next move.”  Very nicely done.  Zevarius says, “I wouldn’t recommend dipping.  I’ve been dipping Copenhagen for years and my gums are always sore and eroded.”  Oh, that is a shame.  Well, thank you for the advice.  I’m not particularly into the whole chewing tobacco or the gum stuff or the snus.  A fine gentlemanly tobacco pipe, or in this case an electronic pipe, is good for me.  All right, I think I’m going to do—if I can find it.  That’s a good one.  All right, I think I may do Yougurt101’s.  All right.  Here we go, ladies and gentleman.  It’s time for the smoke ship idea.  This one is from Yougurt101.  Here we go, smoke ship.  [pause]

Whoa.  I hope you didn’t blink because if you did, you missed it.  But for the briefest of moments, there before you, painted in smoke was an army of unicorns riding a kodo, eating gnomes and chasing elves with bacon bats.  Bats made from bacon, of course.  And gravy boats firing gravy balls upon elves, while Oxhorn leads the charge in his bacon captain’s hat.  That was a ship and a diorama.  It all came together in one epic, bacony, gravy, anti-elfy image of classiness.  “A mighty vessel indeed,” says Blagtoof.  Indeed.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 153.  Nobody actually did the math for me.  I was wondering how many weeks it takes to do three years, and no one did the math for me so I’m assuming it’s a pretty tough calculation, or I could Google it.  Either way, it’s complicated so I’ll figure it out later.  I’m not sure when our three year anniversary of this program is, but when it comes or if I’ve already passed it—156?  Oh, it’s 156?  Oh, thank you guys so much.  Episode 156 will be our three year anniversary episode and we will make sure to have a great episode for you all there.  Lots of scotch.  Lots of smoke rings.  Maybe even some grilled flesh.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  I know Gorndt hates it when I use the word flesh, but there’s just something about the deliciousness of fatty flesh that is satisfying in a certain way.  Anyway, I’m, of course, talking about grilling things.  My gosh, get your minds out of the gutter.  We’ve got to go.  This has been a fantastic episode. Thank you for coming to episode 153 of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  And as always we say here be sure, my friends, to stay just a little bit classy.

[End of Audio]

Transcript:

Oxhorn: Welcome, one and everyone, to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 152.  I am your neighborhood friendly Oxhorn here, as always, with my suspenders set to the proverbial stun, maximum stun actually.  Today is a fantastic day and it will be a fantastic show.  But before we can get to all of the fantasticness that is inevitably going to be going on today, we must pour ourselves a gentlemanly scotch.  Now this is a very strange day because it’s Friday, right?  How often in the life of Oxhorn and the program, Scotch and Smoke Rings, does this broadcast happen on a Friday?  Not very often.  No, this is actually a Thursday program.  Yes, this program tends to take place on a Thursday and therefore, we must be under some extraordinary circumstances for this day to have been delayed one whole day to today.  What were those extraordinary circumstances, you may ask?  What could possibly have come between Oxhorn and getting to his fans on the appropriate day and time?  The answer to that question, my friends, will never be answered.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  No, actually we’ll get to that in a little bit.  But as you can see, I’m kind of trying to get everything set up right now so that we can do this fine program.

One of the major things I need to do—which I don’t have to do anymore, there we go—is to pour the scotch.  So cheers, ladies and gentlemen.  Bottoms up.  Today we are drinking from our fantastically classy glasses and never straight from the bottle, for that is what hobos do.  We are drinking Scoresby very rare blended scotch whiskey.  Cheers, ladies and gents.  You know what?  We need to close this door.  I had planned on rocking my jam and jamming to my rock.  The rock, of course, being jazz and not rock.  Not any jazz, but specifically jazz from the twenties and thirties, and possibly even pop, as in popular music from the twenties and thirties.  Here we go.  [pause]  All right, we’ve got our door closed.  We’ve got our jam a jamming.

OK.  Mortuusfan says, “Wait.  What about our plush mascots and our newest member?”  Our plush mascots are right over here.  Yep.  Yep.  They’re doing good.  And our newest co-host is taking a bit of a break today.  He has had quite a day.  He has had quite a day, so he’s feeling a little under the weather.  We are going to let him sleep and nap and drink all sorts of tasty things and then nap and sleep and then poop and then poop some more and then add more poop to his poopiness.  That is the state within which we find our latest co-host, the venerable Gavin.

And you know what I forgot to do?  I forgot to actually broadcast that we were live today.  GabrielleX on Twitter says, “Shout out to shadowclass.  He’s new.”  Oh, do we have a new member here today?  Well, I welcome with open arms any new members who decide to come to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com to partake in this proverbial class, which is exactly what this is.  This is pure and utter class.  Nothing less than that.  So my friend, shadowclass, welcome to this bit of classiness which is ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.   OK, let’s tell the world that we are live.  Streaming live right now, Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 152.  Watch here, newbs.  OK, I need something enticing, something like free candy.  I can’t say free candy.  There’s a bit of a disclaimer.  How about free happy feelings?  OK.  Free happy feelings.  Oh, now that is enticing.  That will get everybody to come and it may even bring all the boys to the yard.  I’m not sure.  I don’t really have much experience at that, but it’s sent.  There we go.  Now everyone in the world knows that we are streaming live right now.  Huzzah.  Cheers.  Bottoms up, ladies and gents, bottoms up.  [pause]

Today we are smoking this fine number, this handy dandy little contraption which I’ve had for quite a while now and which I have put to good use here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  This is my electronic pipe.  I’ve got a humidor full of cigars right here.  I really do, but I have been shying away from them as of late because of the newborn babe, who I do not want to interrupt his babyness with the smell of cigar.  I’m pretty sure it’s not necessarily commodious to his being happy.  So we’re smoking this thing right now and, thankfully, it actually produces fairly nice smoke rings.  [pause]

So, I’ve gotten—OK, so we have a fantastic program for you guys today.  We have Don’ts for Husbands and Don’ts for Wives.  We’ve got fan art, which I should probably start downloading right now.  But one of the interesting things that we need to do is drink another thing of scotch.  [pause]  All right.  Fan art.  I’ve received a lot of fan art from you guys.  Let’s see exactly what we have here.  OK, this one is from Autumn.  Very nice.  Whoa, digging that.  All right, let’s save this one.  Actually, I should probably just show you as I’m doing this since I don’t wanna waste any time.  So here we go.  I’m gonna show you guys as I do this.  So this piece of class was submitted by Autumn and look, it says “It’s Oxhorn Bacon Baby Formula.  Hey, Oxhorn, the love of bacon can officially run in the family now.  From Autumn.”  And that was very sweet, so thank you for that, Autumn.  We’ve got this one from Nick.  It the Thousand Needles in real life.  He’s submitting to the program a picture that I uploaded to my own classy blog a while ago.  This is, of course, Thousand Needles in real life.  Maybe he’s saying something—oh, he’s answering a question I asked when I posted this fine picture.  I said this is Thousand Needles in real life.  Where on earth is it in real life?  And apparently it’s in China.  So thank you for answering that, my friend.  Then we have a new piece here and that’s a very long email, which I will read later.  There we go.  Here’s another fan art.

This one is from Doroz.  Hold on a sec.  Bacon roses.  She wants romance.  You want a snack.  Problem solved.   Bacon roses.  And you know what?  I have to say that’s just being efficient, right?  Nothing wrong with that.  This is Caroline.  She’s asking me to update my archives.  I’ll get to that in just a bit.  Here’s Loraanicus giving me a suggestion for today’s song, “Ghosts and Stuff,” by Deadmau5 featuring Rob Swire.  What’s “Ghosts and Stuff”?  All right, let’s see if we could figure that out.  What’s a “Ghosts and Stuff”?  Maybe I know this song.  Deadmau5.  Oh no, it’s “dead-mouse”  That’s right, I was educated on that once.   Deadmau5 ghosts and stuff.  If I know the song, I’ll do it because I—oh yeah, I know this song.  Yeah, I know this song.  Okay, I’ve got to be careful with techno on the program.  When I hear techno, I go wild.  I really do.  It unleashes my Oxhorn powers, so—many of you think I listen to classy music from the twenties and thirties because it’s classy, and that’s true.  That’s true.  But it also satiates me.  It sort of calms me down.  Me in my natural state, you know, if techno or electronic pop or something starts playing, I just turn into a crazy man.  So it’s sort of just like the milk. It’s musical milk that calms me down.  Anyway, so these are the lyrics.  All right, we may go ahead and do that later today.

Okay, I’m gonna move this over here.  Anyway, so that’s all the fan art for right now.  So you guys just got a glimpse into how I get my fan art.  Basically I get so much mail that it’s hard for me to keep track of all of the fan art that comes through.  One of the ways I do that is I make sure that I have a search query in order for all of the mail that comes through my contact form.  If you use my actual contact form to send me the mail, I get it and I can search for it that way, which makes things easier for everybody.  So that is my strategy for that.  And if you want to get your mail shown at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, that’s probably one of the best ways to do it.  Shadowclass says, “Ox, make a machinima for Midsummers Festival.”  Very interesting idea.  I would love to.  I might have to mull over that idea for a bit.  CondaSanders[SP] says, “Ox, you look like the classiest lumberjack with your awesome beard and shirt and I give you my highest appreciation.”  Sir, thank you so very much.  Pleasure to have you here, as always.  I don’t know.  You know, usually lumberjacks wear plaid and they tend to have a Kenny hat.  You know, Kenny from South Park?  Only not green.  They tend to wear those and they may roll up their sleeves a little bit and wield axes.  So I’m missing a few pieces to the ensemble, but I guess I am a little bit a ways there.  Many people have confused me with an Amish person, actually.  I’m not really Amish.  I don’t share all of their Amishly beliefs, nor do I raise cattle.  But the thought surely strikes me as appealing someday.  So who knows?  Maybe I’ll become Amish and I’m just Amish in the grooming.  But as of right now, look, all you have to do is look at photographs of men a hundred years ago and almost all of them would look like this.  They would not shy away from their beards.  They are not afraid or ashamed of the stubble that grows on their chins.  Nay.  In fact, some of the most civilized and sophisticated manly men in that world that has gone by, wore proud full beards as they sat as a senator, for example, or as a judge in some sort of governmental judicious judicial system.  These are the kind of men who were also pioneers and took the wild by the scruff and tamed it and mastered it and forged a society.  Those are the kind of manly men who I attempt to emulate with my beardliness and my hattedness and my bespeckled, at times, -ness.  I’m not actually bespeckled right now because I’ve got them off to do this program.  So cheers to that.

Corban is back and he is, as always, doing quotes from my classy blog, “Blogging with Class”.  Here’s one from Corban.  He says, “Classy people do not put stickers on their cars.  They recognize that the color of the car is embellishment enough and anything beyond is just extra weight.”  Indeed, sir.  Indeed.  That is from one of my entries into “How to be classy.”  I did an entire episode on bumper stickers because what frustrates me more than bumper stickers?  Very little.  Bumper stickers are not classy.  You can read the entire “How to be classy” excerpt at BloggingWithClass.com.  In fact, over the week I have been doing blog improvements to the blog.  You may notice them, but it should run a little smoother now.  And I also have a fantastic new blog in the making that I will get up for you guys pretty soon.  What?  Oh, OK.  Rashus[SP] says, “I love your music, Ox.”  Thank you, Rashus.  Very pleased that you love the music.  If any of you don’t know what he’s talking about, you can get my music at Oxhorn.com.  We have all of the links up there for you fine ladies and gentlemen, so feel free to do so there.

Wow, everything’s flying by really fast.  Shadowclass says, “Are you playing Mists of Pandaria beta or is it still broken?”  No, my friend.  Actually, I’ve got an update on that.  Drumroll.  Update.  [drumroll]  I have beta keys.  That’s right.  Blizzard came to me and said, “Oxhorn, you have a fantastic website and an awesome show.  We are all envious of your beard.  If only the barbarian in Diablo 3 had your beard, people would play that class more often.”  And then after they wrote me that letter they said, “Because you’re so awesome and we love your beard, here is a list of about ten beta keys for Mists of Pandaria to hand out as you see fit.”  So for all of you who are just itching to get your hands behind the reins of a panda for some reason, I have the beta keys for you.  Now I have to come up with an idea on how I want to get rid of these beta keys.  Do I just post them all online and have a big grab bag and whoever gets them and ties them to their account first wins?  I don’t know if I really want to do that.  “Contests,” says Greg Hartung.  Well, sir, that is a fine idea.  I may just have to do a contest.  So I’m thinking of doing some great contests.  Not sure exactly what I want to do.  Maybe a fan art contest, as Greg Hartung suggests and as I have done in the past, quite possibly.  I’m looking for a new logo for ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Maybe I’ll have a logo design contest.  That’s true.  I also realized that not everybody is good with the Photoshop or with the GIMP and I want to be sensitive to those nonartistic people as well.  So I need to come up with some contests that don’t rely on people’s artistic creative abilities.  Maybe they could sing a song or make the best Oxhorn fan video or something like that.  I know, I’m coming up with ideas.  Feel free to send me your ideas in this chat and via email on the contact form.  I am itching for fantastic ideas so that I can give away these beta keys.  You know, I had a whole bunch of Diablo 3 beta keys and I didn’t give all of them away and I feel bad that some of them got wasted.  So I really need to do this soon and I need you guys to hold me accountable.  So every time that I do a new episode, you need to say, “Oxhorn, where are those beta keys?  You need to give them away.”  And then I’ll say, “Oh, I forgot.  All right.  I will give away those beta keys.”  Buy hopefully, hopefully it won’t come down to that.  Hopefully I will be able to do so on my own without you having to remind me.  Cheers, ladies and gents.  [pause]

[laughs]  Lepidus1991 says, “Chasing pandas in icy sea, 30 minutes.  Forced to watch Scotch and Smoke Rings on Internet Explorer cuz of 2170 errors on Firefox, one hour.  Worgen’s viewing, priceless.”  I don’t understand that last part, but I am glad you are here, even if you have to be using the atrocious Internet Explorer.  Ugh, gives me the heebie jeebies.  Yes.  Oh, OK.  Good, good, good, good.  OK.  I’m sorry about that.  I just flipped the snot out.  And that wasn’t a very classy expression.  I do apologize.  But Lord Blackbane alerted me to this fantastic news tidbit today.  In fact, I’m going to read—I’ll do that in a little bit.  Anyway.  Lord Blackbane on Twitter says, “Jerry Sandusky has just been found guilty of 45 out of 48 charges and it sentenced to 441 years in prison.  What are your thoughts?”  I am tickled pink and I am, quite frankly, happy as a clam.  I don’t know where we get all of these English expressions, but they all apply.  I’m pretty fantastically flabbergasted and—here.  One of the reasons I’m so happy is because, you know, I have always not been one who wants to make a man guilty due to the media.  I don’t believe that the media is always correct when they report on stuff and I think they have their own agenda.  However, when you have so many people coming from the woodwork, including a man’s own adopted son, accusing the man of doing inappropriate things, I think it’s a fairly open and shut case.  So Sandusky, sadly and tragically, was an abuser of children.  And when the news hit the wire, I wrote up a blog post about it on none other than my blog, BloggingWithClass.com, which you guys can check out.  It’s like the third post down or so.  I’ll, of course, link it to you here.  There you go.  If you want to read my thoughts on the whole Jerry Sandusky thing, please click on that link.  I just put it in the chat at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com and that gives out my full thoughts.  And please leave a comment on that blog post.  I created a brand new commenting system so that you can log in with your Facebook account or your Twitter account to leave a comment you don’t have to actually register with the site.  So please leave me a comment on that post, now that we know the fate of Jerry Sandusky.  And, thankfully, the jury found him guilty.  [pause]

NateBurr says, “Oxhorn, I’m working on my beard.  Isn’t going as well as I hoped.  Hopelessness and darkness fill me.”  [laughs]  Oh, my friend.  I am so sorry that so much angst has been caused in your life due to the growth of your manly stubble.  You know, it’s—wow, OK.  People are advertising in my own channel.  Let’s ban this man forever.  Banned forever.  Ha ha ha ha ha.  All right.  Did I ban the right guy?  I think so.  All right, banned him forever.  You know, I just get a thrill out of that sometimes.  It’s just every now and then, whew, it’s a little bit of a chill.  Whew.  All right, what was I saying?  Something about Jerry Sandusky, or did I finish that comment?  I forgot where I was.  I’m so sorry.  I apologize.  Oh, no, I was talking to NateBurr about his beard growing attempt.  I’m terribly sorry.  I sometimes get distracted.  Hold on.  Let’s resolidify my thoughts.  Cheers.  Tahwas says, “What a second, he must be a few seconds behind us.”  Yes, there is a little bit of lag.  That’s just the way these internet broadcasts work.  But anyway, my friend, do not despair.  Do not let the darkness grip you by the throat and choke away the very life blood of hope.  You can do it.  I have faith in you.  It depends on how old you are.  If you’re like 18, you may not be able to grow a full masterly beard like this fantastic number.  But I can give you a few tips.  First, if you’re having a hard time growing your beard, dip your finger in a little bowl of scotch and just rub it on wherever you want the beard to grow, just kind of rub it on there and pat it down.  That will help, kind of.  Then there are many other thing you could do.  Get yourself a true beard comb.  There are some that are—they kind of have short bristles, so it’s not really long, and just comb it.  Comb the skin.  It’s like you’re encouraging the follicles to grow hair.  So just kind of massage the chin and cheeks with the brush and that will help a little bit.  Additionally, get a pore cleanser.  I know it sounds kind of weird, Oxhorn on ScotchAndSmokeRings.com talking about pore cleanser.  Yeah, well I’m sorry, but I’m giving advice.  There’s a specific pore cleanser, I think it’s called Clearisk or ClarIsk or something.  Anyway, it’s a great pore cleanser and it just kind of knocks all that stuff out and allows you to grow your masculine beard.

Shadowclass says, “Oxhorn, your scotch and pipe are alone.”  My friend, you are absolutely correct.  I can’t have a show called Scotch and Smoke Rings without scotch and smoke rings.  Mortuusfan says, “Time for commercial because I am feeling very click-happy.”  Really?  All right, hold on a second.  I know.  I wasn’t even prepared to do a commercial on my own show.  Hold on a second.  I’ve got to get to the dashboard here.  OK.  So, ladies and gentlemen, Mortuusfan brings up a very salient point and that’s that in order to do broadcasts like this, I have to feed my belly and my beard, both of which require nutrients that are only derived from a monetary exchanges and money which come by running commercials on my own program.  So the evil elves that inhabit my computer have somehow found a way to run 30-second commercials during my broadcast, and I think they’re gonna do one right now.  It worked?  Yeah, all right.  I know some of you do not see the commercial right now.  I realize that. But most of you are watching the 30-second commercial right now.  So we’re just going to sort of let it go.  [pause]

[laugh]  OK.  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  Hopefully that has now passed, and sorry for any sort of intrusion or—yeah.  Cheers, ladies and gentlemen.  Cheers.  Bottoms up.  Oh, OK.  Cronostick[SP] says, “I’m not getting anything.   I’m not contributing.”  My friend, I’m so sorry that you are devoid from the pleasure of seeing advertisements on my program.  If you really feel compelled and you like any of the advertisements below the player at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, feel free to explore them.  Not that I would ever encourage anybody to click on ads on my website.  [pause] Lepidus1991 says, “Worgen’s viewing part meant my main and my alts log.”  Gotcha.  Gotcha.  Makes much more sense.  Thank you.  Jonith84 says, “In relation to bumper stickers, do you classify car magnets in the same way?”  [echo]  Ah, hold on a second.  Why am I getting an ad?  This doesn’t make any sense.  This is my program.  Why am I getting an ad?  Thankfully, I can pause it, so I just paused this advertisement.  Hold on a second actually.  Wow.  It’s only a ten-second ad.  I thought that they wanted a 30-second spot for it.  Anyway, so yeah, the ad is now gone.  That was interesting.  I saw an ad on my own website.  Cool.  Shrood[SP] says, “Can you say ‘Happy Saint Jean’?  Important day for Quebecers tonight.”  Absolutely.  Happy Saint Jean to all the Quebecers out there right now.  Anyway, to answer your question, Jonith, magnets—so one of the plus sides of car magnets is that they’re not permanent so if you change your mind or you evolve you positions on things in the future, you can always redeem yourself by simply taking it off.  It’s not gonna damage your car.  However, the principle behind my ire towards any sort of bumper sticker still exists with the car magnet, and that is you do not need to be using your car as a billboard.  And I explained this thoroughly in my document.  You know, look, if the car designers and manufacturers had thought that a slogan that says, “My other car is a bicycle” or “We only eat green organic food” or something silly like that would make it go faster or would add to its visual appeal, they would’ve added it.  You adding these things, you’re not going to make the car a little bit more attractive.  Additionally, people aren’t going to change their minds or think that you’re terribly clever or creative for putting a sticker or a magnet of any sort on your vehicle.  They barely even see them.  It may enrage them.  It may make them a little frustrated, but it’s not gonna actually positively benefit anyone.  I guarantee you this.  There are very few things that I can guarantee anyone on earth.  But this I guarantee:  no one in the world has ever become a more peaceful, tolerant person by seeing a bumper sticker on a car that says, “Coexist”.  That’s never happened.  I guarantee it.

Please read Greg Hartung’s question?  It’s not often that you have somebody else asking you to read somebody else’s question.  OK, I must’ve missed it.  [laughs]  Greg Hartung says, “Will you someday hold a virtual get together via Skype and get to know some of your most loyal fans like me?”  Greg Hartung, you are, indeed, a very loyal fan and I believe that as meeting together like this as we have for the past almost three years now—wow, we’re coming up on my three year anniversary fairly quickly—has given me chance to get to know many of you very well and I feel like this is probably one of the best formats.  We’re all getting together digitally, but only I get the opportunity to speak.  Ha ha ha.  No, actually, that’s a really good idea.  I may have to do that someday.  It does sound like a lot of fun, so we’ll see.  We’ll see.  I’m gonna have to look at the stars and make sure that the constellations are aligned.  And if they are, we’ll have to do something like that.  [pause]

Nethehholyhamlamer says, “Oxhorn, for some reason my beta stopped working.  I had to uninstall it so I’ve tried to reinstall it three times, but it won’t work.  What can I do?”  I had the same problem.  The only way I solved it was—my problem was that the launcher wouldn’t finish downloading and installing everything correctly.  So what I had to do was actually navigate within the installation files in the C directory instead of using the shortcut on the desktop, and then double-clicking on the actual WoW.exe file instead of the launcher.  That got it to work for me.  I don’t know what it can do for you.  I’m sure there’s probably a help article on the help desk for World of Warcraft.  That’s where I found many of the solutions that I used to get into the beta.   Ringo says, “LOL, I have been moved by a bumper sticker.  Today my father and I were fighting.  Then we say a car with bumper stickers saying, ‘Still mad at Yoko’ and ‘What would Cthulhu do?’”  You know what?  You are really highlighting all of my points, so thank you very much.  I’m pleased, thrilled, and tickled that you have made such wise noticings, musings?  [laughs]  Cronostick says, “Ox, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I have to wake up at 9:00.  I just wanted to say tacos or burgers?”  Burgers.  However, I could make an exception for a taco if it’s a taco in a tortilla, wrapped up, sliced, and placed on a burger.  Then that might be a good thing.

Rashus[SP] says, “Oxhorn, do you play any other games but WoW?”  Yes, I do.  I play quite a few games.  In fact, I think—I’m toying with the idea of playing a game during this broadcast to show you all of my fantastic game-playing skills.  I think it sounds fun.  Let me see if I can get it working.  Yes, a non-WoW game here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Who knows?  Maybe.  Lepidus says, “Somehow I imagine the whole faction war in WoW started with Garrosh nerd-raging over losing to Varian in a game of chess.”  It’s probably something petty like that.  Shyster says, “Ox, hope you are doing well with Gavin and the family, but have you played a game called Dead Rising?  Have a great day and stay classy.”  Uh, no.  I haven’t.  Is it good?  Should I?  I’ll have to check it out, maybe.  All right.  Somebody’s wanting me to check Facebook.  And you know what?  I’m so sorry I forgot to check it.  I’m gonna check my comments here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Let’s see.  What have we got in store?  What are you fine ladies and gentlemen saying today?  Sam Nichols says, “What if it was a bacon taco?”  Exactly.  See, if it was really a bacon taco, I don’t know if I would be able to resist the combination of bacon and taco seasonings.  All right, let’s see.

“I used the Great Kodo for a school talent show and they loved it.  Thanks for playing the song so I could learn.  Anyway, my question is how do you deal with heat in the summer,” asks Ghoulbreath.   Great question.  So I’m so glad that you got the song to work.  So last week, ladies and gentlemen, I paused and I played the Great Kodo live so that he could see the fingerings and I’m glad that it worked for you.  So fantastic, Sean.  As for heat in the summer, here’s the thing.  Seattle is usually very cool and calm.  There’s not a huge amount of heat in this city.  Strangely enough, none of the homes or apartments actually come with air conditioning.  We really don’t have a lot of air conditioning up here.  So when summer does hit and we do get those very rare days of intense heat, it’s pretty excruciating and I have definitely succumbed to a number of times when I’ve just been miserable because of it.  But what I like to do is I like to take a cold shower and then air dry.  As miserable a picture as that may be, I hope you’re not imagining that right now, but that is my attempt to defeat the heat.

Nixonat0r says, “Ox, does it ever get odd having one-way verbal conversations as a talk show host, maybe when you first started?”  No, you know, I actually I tend to have one-way conversations with everyone in my entire life because, honestly, there is very little in life that is more pleasant to listen to than my own voice.  I know.  I realize that but, hey, I’m the guy selling albums with people paying money to listen to my voice, so that’s just the way of the situation.  No, seriously, I am not that vain or arrogant in real life.  However, I do tend to be a fairly bit verbose in real life so maybe I’ll work on it a little bit.  We’ll see.  [laughs]  Mortuusfan says, “His first show is interesting.  Over two hours long.”  Yeah.  I haven’t watched my very first episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings in a long time.  I recall looking at it again a few months ago and there was a distinct difference in the way that I did the show back then.  If you want to see it, it’s at Oxhorn.com, not ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  You’ll have to go to the live show section and scroll around.  I plan to get it up here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com eventually.

What?  Are you guys flirting with each other in chat?  Oh, my.  Well, hey, if ScotchAndSmokeRings.com can bring two lonely souls together, who am I to complain?  I kid, I kid.  I’m just picking on you guys.  Don’t worry about it.  [laughs]  Smoke rings.  [pause]  [laughs]  “Will you ever do another two hour show?” says MaginJustin.  Maybe.  Maybe I will.  In fact, I think the last time I did a very long show was my two year anniversary episode, or was it my one year anniversary episode?  I can’t recall.  Anyway, my three year anniversary episode is coming up quickly, so we will have to do something fantastic.  Last year, did we do a grill?  I think we did a grill outside last year.  Nethehholyhammer says, “Oxhorn, did you see my last question?”  No, I didn’t so if you didn’t get your question answered, maybe ask again but don’t spam too much.  I’m scrolling up.  I’ll see if I can find it.  Oh, OK.  She asks, “Ox, by the way, next Scotch and Smoke Rings, could you show us the making of an Oxhorn video?”  I’ve actually done that before.  If you want to—what movie was it?  It might’ve been “Thunk Leaves Home”.  If you go to Oxhorn.com, hover over the Live Show navigation link and a pop-down will drop down that says “Show Archives”.  Click on the “Show Archives” and you’ll be presented with a navigational pane with a whole bunch of videos in it.  In one of them, there’s going to be a folder that says extras or others and stuff like that.  Inside there, you’ll see a few videos of me and Mark doing voice acting for “Thunk Leaves Home” and then you’ll see a broadcast of me actually doing the video editing for that movie live during the show.  So, yes, I have done that before and you can check it out there.

ElToroGuaco says, “Oxhorn, I’ve been on this show each week for over a month now.  Even when I have to be up late at night with school after.  But now I’ve got a summer break so you’ll see me even more from now on during the summer.”  Thank you, ElToroGuaco.  That is absolutely fantastic.  I am thrilled and tickled beyond speculation to have you here and feel free to submit more fan art if you would choose.  We love having fat art here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Jonathan says, “Oxhorn, we keep telling you that your classiness is too much for the internet on a bad day.”  I have heard that before.  That does happen.  [laughs]  Greg Hartung says, “Ox, I must confess I’ve been too busy kicking back and forgot to submit fan art this week.”  You know what, sir?  You submit so much fan art to this fine program that you can be forgiven a few times here and there, so feel free to kick back this week.  No pressure, although I do expect amazing things next week.  OK, RandomExotic is sending me an imager link in the chat.  This could be either very interesting or very horrible, so I’m going to check it out real quick before I decide to ban people.  Hey, no, that’s actually really great.  All right, I’ll show you guys what he made.  Here we go.  Hey.  Yeah, that’s right.  Scotch and Smoke Rings.  That’s pretty cool.  So I believe I asked for help with a banner just a few moments ago and he whipped this up.  That’s awesome, my friend.  I don’t think it’s quite as in line with the theme of this website, but it’s a fantastic effort, so very well done.  Major kudos to you, sir.  [claps]

Wow.  This singer is pretty excited.  [laughs]  [pause]  Cronostick says, “Hey Ox, somebody in chat asked if you could wish them a happy birthday.  His name was TacoGoat.  He got buried in comments.”  Oh, I missed it.  I make a point here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com to wish happy birthday to everybody that changes age in life.  So happy birthday to you, TacoGoat.  I hope you have many happy birthdays here on with tacos made from goats.  Cheers, friend.  Bottoms up.  I give precedence to Twitter, my friends.  It’s easier for me to check.  Every time I get a tweet, it just goes ‘bleep’ and appears in the top right-hand corner of my screen.  I literally can’t miss it.  So if you really want your questions answered, tweet it to me.  That’s the best way.  It was nicely done, RandomExotic.  I really appreciate it.  Fine work.  Thank you.  Sargey says, “Ox, permission to steal your Ox skull?”  The day I die of natural causes, yes, feel free to take my skull and use it for whatever powerful incantations you desire.  Shadowclass says, “Oxhorn, where is your scotch?”  Right here.  Cheers. Bottoms up.  Corban says, “I’m lonely.”  Well, sir, you’re in pleasant company.  We all love each other here, so you’re no longer lonely.  You are among friends.  Ghoulbreath says, “Don’ts for Husbands and Don’ts for Wives?”  Absolutely.  Absolutely.  Oh, that’s right.  I have to answer that question.  So I will get to Don’ts for Husbands and Don’ts for Wives.  I’m going to answer a few more questions, then I’m going to play a video game.  What video game?  It’s crazy exciting.  I don’t know if you guys are going to be able to guess it.  It’s not World of Warcraft, but I’m going to play a video game.  You guys will be enthralled at my game-leetness, my skills that pay the proverbial bills.  All right.  Let’s see.  Jimnlbob says, “Ox, any reason as to why this is staged on a Friday?”  Yes.  My beautiful wife and my brand new baby boy and I were in the hospital yesterday for no serious reasons whatsoever.  We had a little bit of complications.  They were taken care of and how everyone is hunky dorey, healthy and happy and that’s all anybody needs to know.  So that’s why last night I kind of logged on to the show really quick to say hi to everybody but I had to move it to today.  So here we are today.  The very next day is Friday.  Everybody is happy and feeling fantastic and we are about to partake in some gentlemanly classiness.

But first we must do Don’ts for Wives.  Pay attention, wives.  This book was written in 1913 so there’s gonna be some good advice in here.  Don’ts for Wives.  Don’t bother your husband with a stream of senseless chatter if you can see that he is very fatigued.  Help him to do the tidbits at dinner.  Modulate your voice.  Don’t remark on his silence.  If you have any cheery little anecdote to relate, tell it with quiet humor and by and by he will respond.  But if you tackle him in the wrong way, the two of you will spend a miserable evening.  OK, that’s pretty good advice.  OK.  Don’t spend all your time with the children and leave none over for your husband.  You can have them during the day.  It’s your husband’s turn when he comes home in the evening.  Oh, that’s a good one.  All right, that’s not too bad.  Don’t nauseate your husband with talking baby all the time.  As baby’s father, he will stand a good deal of it.  But remember, there are other interests in the world.  So don’t always talk about the baby. Interesting.  Interesting.  Don’t get the idea that all your husband wants is a housekeeper or a decorative head of the table.  What?  He wants a companion and when he is at home, he doesn’t want you to be always somewhere else.  A decorative head on the table?  Interesting.  “Play Dark Age of Camelot,” says nethehholyhammer.  Wow, that’s a game I have not played in many years.  Good game, though.  One more and then we move on to Don’ts for Husbands.  Don’t choose the very time your husband’s at home to see about all sorts of things in other parts of the house.  Sit with him by the fire.  Smoke with him if it pleases you and him.  Read or be read to.  Sing or play cards with him or chat with him about anything that interests him.  It’s your business to keep him amused in the evening.  Whoa, this is great advice.  I’m gonna have to start practicing some of this.  After all, I need to be amused in the evening, as well.  Maybe I’ll have to get some cards and some board games or something.  Smoke by the fire. Sounds good to me.

All right, Don’ts for Husbands.  Here we go.  Pleasure, Crono.  See you later.  [laughs]  Oh.  Getting a new picture here.  Ah.  Mortuusfan says, “Oxhorn, I was in Burger King yesterday and I found this.  I thought you would get a kick out of it.”  Yes, it is the new Bacon Sundae.  Look at that big stick of bacon just shoved right into a pile of ice cream.  I wish him well.  I wish him well.  All right, Don’ts for Husbands.  Don’t dwell on the beauty of other women if you know your wife to be sensitive on the point.  There is no sense in rubbing sores, although some men seem to find a strange pleasure in it.  I would totally never do that.  Don’t be continually telling your wife what a charming woman Mrs. Jones is or how lucky Brown is in having a wife who can cook such dainty dishes.  You can’t expect her to relish having the good qualities of these other wives rammed down her throat.  This is an interesting anthropologic—rammed down her throat?  So it’s been around, that particular phrase has been around since at least 1913.  It’s not new.  Interesting.  Whoa.  OK.  Don’t throw your mother’s perfections at her head or you needn’t be surprised if she suggests that you might as well return to your mother’s wing.  Remember that your mother was an experienced housekeeper before you were born and that your wife is only just beginning.  Great advice.  Don’t, if you think your wife sees too much of another man, forbid her to speak to him.  You will perhaps only crystallize a wandering fancy by this method.  Fill up her time yourself.  Take her out a good deal and the too-friendly attitude will soon die a natural death.  But a woman of spirit won’t be coerced.  Thank goodness classy gentlemen like you and I don’t have to deal with that situation. One more.  Don’t be jealous of your wife’s girlfriends.  If she wants to spend a day with them now and then, spare her with good grace.  Don’t let her feel that you are a selfish tyrant.  OK, you know, this is yin and yang.  This is give and take.  We’re all learning things about husbands and wives here.  I guess now I have to get books for Don’ts for Dads, cuz that is the latest evolution of my life.

Shyster says, “Have you ever had lamb meat in any shape or form?  It’s very tasty.”  Yes.  The last time I had lamb meat I was at an Indian restaurant and I had lamb curry.  It was fantastic.  I loved it.  I don’t always eat lamb, but when I do I enjoy it.  Eliana[SP] says, “If you ever take a Sunday jaunt in the direction of Mill Creek,” which I have by the way, “Frost Donuts makes a killer bacon-topped maple bar.”  Whoa.  Bacon on top of a donut?  Oh, man.  Rashus[SP] says, “Oxhorn, I threw together a Scotch and Smoke Rings logo.  Take a look.”  Hey, now.  That’s pretty classy.  Let’s show the fans.  What do you think, ladies and gentlemen?  Scotch and smoke rings, that’s looking pretty nice.  You know, it’s your website, too.  You’ve got to let me know what you like and what you don’t like and we’ll make sure that what we get up here is liked and adored by all.  Thank you, Rashus.  That was a very, very nice job.  [pause]

What?   “Goodnight, Oxhorn.  It’s about time I head to bed.  But I leave you with the only thing that can contest your classiness.”  And he sent me a picture of myself.  That’s true.  Really the only thing that can contest my own classiness is my own classiness, right?  Yeah.  So, as you can see in this picture, my beard is a little shorter.  I don’t believe I’ve trimmed or shaved it since those days.  Actually no.  I take that back.  I did trim it once when I got married, so this is growth since then.  Anyway, thank you for that, my friend.  OK, so you wanted me to play a video game for some reason.  So let’s get this video game on the road.  So what game am I playing today, huh?  You could hear from the music right now if you pay really close attention.  I’m going to bring the graphic size down just a bit.  [pause]  Whoa.  What on earth is this commercial we’re listening to?  Ah.  No, I’ve got to quit the game before it’ll work.  OK. I love commercials from this period of time.  They’re no intense.  This guy’s just—they get really intense.  Now, for only a moment, fantastic frog-colored elf ears.  KernIslander[SP] says, “Hello Kitty Island adventures.”  That’s what you’re wanting?  You want me to play Hello Kitty?  OK, I could do that.  “Is it Fallout?” says Jimnlbob.  No, no.  “Terraria,” says TacoGoat.  No, no.  You can’t hear the music?  Surely you heard that.  Anyone recognize what those sound effects were?  Nope?  All right, well I’ll have to show you my screen.  “Runescape,” says Tahwas.  No.  No, no, no.  “Happy Wheels?”  No, not that.  Here we go.  I’m going to show you exactly what it is I’m playing today and we’ll see if you guys even know what this is.  Oh.  That’s right, it’s Spore.  Spore of all games, right?  You know, there’s nothing like playing a 4-year-old single player game live online.

So yeah, here we go.  Let’s go ahead and start the same.  I’m going to choose cell stage because I want to play a cell creature.  Herbivore or carnivore?  Let’s go with carnivore.  All right.  No theme.  Let’s go hard.  That’s right.  I’m going to play a hardcore spore, cell stage.  All right, here comes the comet, ladies and gentlemen.  By the way, this is how life formed, everybody.  I covered it in my movie the Invisible Pink Unicorn.  Magical life sitting on a comet, uninterrupted for millennia happens to collide with a planet and what happens?  A conglomeration of mystery and science fiction that turns a dead world into an incubator that spawns forth living things.  All right, here we go.  What an ugly little cell guy.  No, I don’t need your tool tips.  Look at him.  He’s so hideous.  Let’s go eat some meat.  Let’s eat some more meat.  Look at this guy.  Let’s kill him.  We’re carnivores, rawr.  Oh, man.  This is high-tech.  Oh, I’m gonna get eaten.  Run away.  Ow.  That was delayed.  Cool.  Yeah, so more meat.  No, no don’t eat me.  Please leave me alone.  I don’t want to die.  If I die, I will become extinct.  Oh, no.  There’s a bunch of these giant guys going for me.  Aw.  I died a peasant’s death.

All right, let’s see if we can find some more meat here.  Yes, so this is—hey.  I evolved magically in one instant.  Let’s see if we can eat this guy that’s running away really fast.  Oh, there’s a little bit of the—no, he’s mine.  Leave him alone.  He’s mine.  I want to eat.  Whoa.  Ah, there’s a lot of them.  Oh, man.  I’m so bad at this.  Well, this is hard mode.  Let’s find some more meat.  There’s a big chunk.  Here’s another chunk.  Did you really expect me to play anything other than carnivore?  I know that herbivore is easy.  All right, they’re wanting me to call a mate, but I don’t really have reason to yet.  Let’s eat this guy.  Ow.  Don’t run.  I just want to be friends, with benefits.  The benefit, of course, being that I eat you.  That is my benefit.  I don’t know what yours is.  Stop running.  Gosh.  Why is this guy so fast?  Oh, bam. Look at that.  And the carnivore wins.  Oh, and I’ve evolved even bigger.  Where you going?  Oh, no.  That guy’s too big.  All right, I’m going to call my mate and see if I can get some more bigness.  Ah, run away.  Run away.  Keep running.  There we go.  All right, so what should I do to make this guy better?  So he’s got his big jaws.  I’m going to make them bigger.  Cool.  Let’s get some more tails going on.  There we are.  Phalange.  That’s gonna make me faster, but I don’t have enough to attack better yet.  That’s OK.  So we’ll just make—actually, hold on.  I’ve got to name this guy.  Random.  There you go.  All right, let’s do a paint.  What should I do for his paint scheme?  How about this?  Is that cool?  Cool, he’s blue.  NixyMasterBlasterMister says, “Ox likes tail.”  My friend, that was just crass.  This is a strategic thing.  I am now faster.  I’ve got speed and I can now chase down my enemies with finesse.  Watch as I devour this guy because he is so slow.  Look at how slow this guy is.  He dies before my claws and jaws.  Die as I eat you.  [laughs]  I like how they just get so terrified and they run away.  Does that say something deviant about my own personality?

Whoa.  That guy’s fast.  Oh, he’s got a jet.  Oh, there’s the jet right there but it’s being blocked by this giant creature.  All right, I’m going to go around.  I hope it’s still there when I’m ready.  Ah, this guy’s trying to eat me.  I just want that.  Leave me alone.  I want that.  Yes.  Yes.  And I got it.  [laughs]  Victory is mine.  Oh, no.  These guys are trying to attack me.  I’ve found that if you face them with your jaws, they can’t kill you.  All right, I’m going to eat you.  I’m going to eat you.  [laughs]  I’m going to eat you.  Nar.  I am a vicious little protozoa.  Ah, this guy wants to eat me, too, but I’m bigger than you now.  Come on, buddy.  What have you got?  You’ve got nothing.  I am all mouth.  Oh.  Oh, that’s right.  Pwnt.  Okay, these guys are—oh, no.  Something happened.   I’ve got to get my fat loots.  No, don’t kill me.  I’ve got to get my fat loots.  Aw.  Oh, I died and I missed out on my fat loots.  Hello, pink things.  Just walk right through the poison, Oxhorn.  Oh, more fat loots.  Got to get it.  What is that?  Oh, it’s a fin.  Yes.  I now have the fin.  All of you envy me and my fin powers.  Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah.  Run away.  Run away.  Ah, this guy’s chasing me.  Come on, man.  What did I do to you?  I’m just a live and let live kind of guy, when I’m not eating things.  Ah.  OK, you know what?  I might as well eat some meat before I die.  Oh, oh, oh, oh.  See this guy has latched onto me like glue.  Come on, man.  Why you got to be such a way?  Ah.  Man, what’s with these  big guys?  Think I could take this big guy?  No.  Ah.  I don’t think I’m going to take the big guy.  I’ll take this guy.  He’s bigger than me, but I think I can take him.  Whoa.  Whoa.  Oh, man.  He’s fighting back.  Oh, he didn’t like that.  But you know what?  [laughs]  Ah, run away.  Oh, run away.  Keep running.  [laughs]   Man, they just come from nowhere.

All right, buddy.  You’re dead.  Boom.  Two more shots.  Oh, no.  And then the poison guy has to get in my way.  Come on.  Gosh.  Have some restraint.  All right, where was he?  He was almost dead.  Where’d he go?  Aw, did I lose him?  Well, there’s a snack.  Snack, snack.  Nom, nom, nom, nom.  Whoa, whoa.  This guy’s got spikes.  Get away from me, man.  Whoa, what was that?  Hey, hey.  Fat loots.  Yahoo, I got myself some fat loots.  All right, I’m going to call my mate.  Time to mate.  Where is she?  Where is she?  Is she invisible?  Oh, she was eaten.  [laughs]  My mate was eaten.  All right.  All right.  I’m going to call her again.  Come on, lady.  Let’s get busy with procreating.  All right.  Now for our little mating dance there.  Isn’t that cute?  Wee, whoa.  [pause]  Hey, what are you—Corban, calm down.  I did not say anything inappropriate.  This is ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  I do not say things inappropriate.  Here, you know what?  I’m going to add a camera.  There you go.  Now you can see me to make sure that I don’t say anything inappropriate.  There you go.  OK.  All right, so I’ve got some cash to spend and I need to pimp out my ride, so to speak.  So what should we do?  I’m going to take off some of these because he doesn’t need that.  That’s—ooh, proboscis.  This would give me many more eating options.  All right, let’s try this.  Nice.  Do I need protection?  What do I need more than protection?  I need speed.  This gives me fast turns and speed, speed.  This gives me double speed.  OK, let’s get rid of this, put on one of these and then let’s do—OK, that’s cool.   Now you know what?  This guy has too many eyes for my liking.  Let’s give him one giant eyeball.  How about that?  Oh, man.  He’s like a giant eyeball.  OK, let’s make everything small except for his eyeball just because we can.  [pause]  [laughs]  Here’s a giant eyeball.  How should we make him look?  Let’s change his color scheme a bit.  Let’s make him look diseased.  Oh, man.  That’s nasty.  It’s like a big finger, a big finger with an eyeball.  All right.

Well, we’ve got our speed back.  Let’s test it out on some—oh, that’s right.  Die, buddy.  No no no no no.  Where’d you go?  Where’d you go?  Come back.  Ah, all right.  I’m not staying near that guy.  Oh, I do realize what you’re saying.  OK.  I didn’t think out this color scheme as well as I should’ve, but I am going to plead ignorance here because it is a giant eyeball, right?  So calm down people.  I’ll change his color scheme in a bit.  Right now, we’ve got—ah, oh man.  I’m loving this proboscis thing.  It’s really helping out.  Oh, no.  I’m being sucked on.  Ah.  Die.  Die more death.  Oh, whoa.  Now that dude is doing it to me.  Now I’m going to do it to him.  Oh, and now I’m bigger.  [laughs]  All right, I’m getting this electric dude.  Oh, oh.  Wait, wait.  Where is it?  There it is.  I’ve got to get it.  Get out of my way.  I’ve got some loot.  Fat loots.  Ah, it’s like a eating frenzy.  Get out of my way.  I’ve got to get it.  It’s mine.  [laughs]  I now have it.  It’s my electric dealy-dad.  Oh, my.  Ow, run away.  They’re just too large.  Run.  Keep running.  All right, die.  I’m going to suck the life energy from you.  Ow.  OK, so that’s cool.  I’m making friends here.  Ah, there’s too many creatures.  It’s like a smorgasbord of prehistoric life in the Petri dish of science.  Ah.  Am I even getting points?  Yeah, OK, I am getting points.  So I get more points for—no, it’s the same amount of points.  You’re almost dead, buddy.  I’m going to kill you.  Ha.  All right, time for you to die.  So this life sucking thing is really nice.  It kind of—ouch.  Ouch.  It gives me better—I don’t know.  It’s making things easier.  I don’t know—oh, except for when I died right there.  Time for you.  Ow, he poked me.  Ow, he shocked me.  Aw, man.  These guys are just so vicious.  Evolution is hard, man.

Yeah, OK.  I need to change his color scheme.  This is starting to bother me.  Time to change one’s color scheme.  All right, we’re going to purple and green.  All right.  There, now you can’t say anything.  This is completely normal.  Now I have spikes.  [laughs]  All right.  Off to find some food.  I need more points.  There we go.  The nice thing about this is that I can eat over and over and over again.  Ouch.  Oh man, I’m unstoppable and this is on hard.  They should have a nightmare mode for Spore.  [laughs]  I think that would be fun.  OK, I need more—I don’t understand why I’m not getting enough DNA.  Whoa.  Whoa.  All right, you think I could take that big red guy?  I think I could.  You’re mine, buddy.  No, I can’t.  Aw.  I bet you I could take this guy.  Oh, I want that.  What is that?  Yes.  I got it, and I died.  But at least I got it.  I got spit poison.  So I got a poison gland now?  Ow.  Man.  Calm thyself, geez.  That’s right, friend.  I’m finding that this gland of mine is just pretty awesome.  You know what would make it better is if I had Jaws, too, like the movie, Jaws 2.  I’m only getting one DNA for every kill.  Look at all this meat right here that I could eat if I was a—all right.

Time for my mate.  There you are.  All right, I need jaws.  Oh, man.  I don’t have enough.  Here, let’s sell those.  Sweet.  All right, now let’s make these things bigger than everything else.  Let’s put this eyeball right there in the middle of my chest.  Yeah, that’s totally cool, right?  Perfect.  All right.  Wonder if I should make this bigger.  How’s that?  Yeah, that’s not creepy.  It’s great.  [laughs]  I am not unwieldy.  I am Devourmo.  I devour those who stand against me and then my mighty jaws can chomp on the meat.  Look at that.  Oh, man.  I’ve got this down to a science.  Who needs only one mouth when you can have three?  Ah.  OK, that guy’s too big.  Running away.  Now these guys I can tackle, or not.  All right, let’s try this again.  Stay away from poison.  Lesson learned.  Oh, it’s a smorgasbord.  Gosh, this poison is tearing me up.  Oh, I can eat plants, too.  There we go.  Now I’m bigger.  That’s it, buddy.  You’re done.  Whoa, geez.  Look at all these guys.  That’s right.  Keep it up.  Aw, man.  I killed him.  Now these guys are after me.  These newfound jaws of mine are really helping me out.  Ah, it’s a bloodbath.  Gosh.  It’s like I’m—[laugh].  It’s a bloodbath of prehistoric life.  Hey, I did you a favor, man.  Now you need o do me a favor by dying.  What?  Am I smart enough to walk on land now?  My brain is getting bigger.  Sweet.  OK, should I evolve my creature any more before I do?  Yeah, let’s try evolving a little bit before I go on the land.

OK, I’ve got 15 points to burn.  What can I do?  I can get spit poison.  Oh, that’s good.  I could spit poison out of my eyeballs.  All right, I like it.  All right, let’s evolve onto land.  All right, so I started out as a semi-carnivore and I evolved into more of a carnivore.  Cool.  Whoa.  See, look at me getting meaner and meaner.  Cool.  Off onto land we go.  All right, I’ve got a couple legs here.  Let’s go with these legs.  Oh, wow.  All right, so now that I’m in three dimensions, this doesn’t quite look good.  So let’s see.  Actually, what parts have I?  Oh, I still have all the same parts.   OK.  So let’s change the way our body shape looks.  [pause]  All right so, no, let’s make this big.  There we go.  No, not that.  This.  There you go.  Now he’s got a sort of big posterior, but it makes sense.  Let’s put his eyeball right there where his shoulders should be because that’s logical.  And then we’ve got this nice big mouth that we can sort of—actually, what’s this for?  This is for—so he’s got two mouths.  All right, there’s a sing one, bite one.  Bite, sing.  I really don’t need both of these.  Bite and sing, so they all do the exact same thing.  I only need one.  All right, I’m going to pick the jaws.  [pause]  Here we go.  There we go, it’s kind of like a gentlemanly moustache, right?  Fantastic.  All right, so what do these do?  These are jump, sneak, and sprint.  So I should probably get all of them.  This is charm, spit, and charge.  OK.  I’m going to want charm, so let’s put that here.  Those are charming, right?  Perfect.  That’s a charming little bump.  And then this is jump and sneak.  I currently have jump and sprint.  I don’t use sprint much and I don’t use sneak much.  So if I put a whole bunch of these guys, does that make me jump more?  It doesn’t.  All right, so I’m going to use them as little wings.  I’m going to put them right there.  Right?  Am I making him ugly or what?  Is this guy cool?  All right, so I’ve got a cool dude here.  All right, what is he missing?  He’s missing spit.  Let’s put a spit gland right where his nose is.  Then let’s put a charging horn right there.  Perfect.  All right, I’ve got more money to spend.  Sneak and jump.  I’ve got sneak and jump.  This is eat.  Let’s put a sneak on him.  Good to go, and he’s got his legs.  Perfect.  Let’s paint him up.  I like this one.  It’s like a little cow creature.

Perfect.  Let’s see him walk onto land.  Yeah.  This is good, right?  Who’s ever played Spore on Twitch TV before?  I don’t know.  You know what?  It’s going to take 30 seconds for this to go through, so how about a commercial?  Hooray.  [pause]  And he swims to shore.  Oh, look.  It’s an entire flock of these little things.  What did I name them?  I forgot what I even called them.  [pause]  Hooray.  Cool, I’ve got a nest.  Oh, these guys really like me.  That’s good.  They want to know if I could kill something.  All right, let’s try charge.  There we go.  Oh, no.  He’s kind of tearing me up.  Ah.  No, I’m dying.  Ah, he killed me.  All right, well, enough of that.  I’m born again in this crazy world of endless lives and evolution.  All right, ladies and gentlemen, it’s now time for the smoke ship.  What would you like to see?  I am here, as always, ready and willing to blow into existence a ship of magnificent form and shape that just happens to be made, comprised solely of smoke.  What would you like to see?  [pause]  It’s frozen?  How could it be frozen?  Oh.  Ghoulbreath had to go and he left his idea here?  All right, let’s see.  Checking out everybody’s comments.  Turntables, interesting.  Smoke ship for tonight: Oxhorn sitting on a massive bacon throne my betting his Spore creation on his lap.  Petting, I’m sure he meant.  Petting his Spore creation on his lap, while all of his fans sail a huge bacon ship through a scotch sea and meanwhile Nova feeds baby Gavin an ice cream with bacon on it.  And of course there are panda pizzas.  Hey, any smoke ship idea that turns pandas into pizzas is good in my book.  What else have we got?  ElToroGuaco says, “Your new Spore creature on a gigantic turtle spitting fireballs at an enormous potato coming up from the sea and shooting rainbows.”  Wow. That is a beautiful diorama.  In the interest of time—I believe we are 23 minutes past the time of the show—I am going to go ahead and go with Ghoulbreath’s because it was very well thought out.  So here we go, ladies and gentlemen.  Time for a smoke ship idea.  Play close attention.  You may miss it.  [pause]

Whoa.  Goodness.  I hope you didn’t blink because if you did, you missed it.  But it was all there, Ghoulbreath’s fantastic idea with Oxhorn sitting on a massive bacon throne while petting his Spore creations on his lap, while all of his fans sail a huge bacon ship through a scotch sea and meanwhile Nova feeds baby Gavin an ice cream with bacon on it.  And there are panda pizzas, all of which are very important aspects of this fine program.  Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen, for coming to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 152, a landmark episode just like next week’s will also be.  Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen.  And as always we say here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, be sure, my friends, to stay classy.

[End of Audio]

Meet Gavin Michael Earl Dennis.

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Scotch & Smoke Rings Episode 151 Transcript

Oxhorn: Welcome, one and everyone, this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 151.  I am your neighborhood friendly Oxhorn here with my suspenders, as usual, set to maximum stun.  And joined, for the first time in a long while with my brother, Brian AKA Beanstalk.

Brian: How’s it going?  Long time, no see.

Oxhorn:  He is here to call names and be awesome.

Brian: Call what?

Oxhorn: Call names.

Brian: Call names?  Call who names?  Call you names?

Oxhorn:  Yes, call me names.  That is part of the fun here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  So, we do not have any Kraken today, sadly.  But we do have some fine scotch.

Brian: He has failed to keep the Kraken stocked up since I don’t come over very often anymore.

Oxhorn: Yeah, he lives too far away and it’s his own fault for not—

Brian: It’s his own fault for moving out here.

Oxhorn: No, you should’ve moved with me.  When I moved, you should’ve moved.

Brian: Really?  It’s not like I have to go to school over there or anything.

Oxhorn:  School is far less important than Scotch and Smoke Rings.

Brian: Yeah, well.

Oxhorn: It is.  So you’re being washed out a little bit.  Let’s tilt this camera up.  This light.  There we go.  There.  Now you should be able to see him better.  All right.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you all today.  It’s great to see so many of you here.  Now we have a new member to the cast of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  He has been auditioning for the part for the past nine months and we really enjoyed everything that he’s contributed so far.  So we decided to bring him on as a fairly regular cast member.  So I’d like to introduce to you all the latest member of Scotch and Smoke Rings and of the Dennis family.  His name is Gavin Michael Earl Dennis, Jodi’s brand new baby fathered by me, of course.

Brian:  [laughter]  We would hope so.

Oxhorn: Bring him on out.  He’s in the other room. He’s being fitted for his own derby and suspenders and beard.  The beard and suspenders have yet to come in, but the derby should be here.  We’re ready for him.

Brian: As soon as he gets here, today for your viewing pleasure, we’ll be performing the circumcision.

Oxhorn: Yes.  Which, have you ever seen a brisk live on camera?

Brian:  Yeah, yeah.

Oxhorn:  We have the implements ready.  So in case you were curious how these things happen, we are happy to educate [laughter] here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.

Brian:  [laughter] I don’t see her.  Do you want me to go get her?

Oxhorn: Jodi, we’re ready.

Brian:  I’ll get her.

Oxhorn:  All right.  She’s bringing the baby on down.  He’s pretty—he may be sleepy because he’s been having a nap all day.  He’s actually been a really good baby.  So, he was born on Friday, this last Friday, the day after Scotch and Smoke Rings.  Remember last week, I told you that the baby could be born at any moment?  The very next day he was born.  So he’s six days old and he’s been a very well-behaved baby and so it’s time to show him off to the world.  And his mommy is coming in right now.  Hey there, mommy.  So, ladies and gentlemen, this is baby Gavin Michael Earl Dennis.

Jodi: You can’t really see the—

Oxhorn: Oh, here.  Let me grab him.  Hey there, babe.  Now don’t you worry.  The bright lights are not shining on him.  There is, of course, no smoke in this room, obviously.  There he is.  [laughter]  Come on, baby.  There you go.  Whoa.  I hope you all didn’t hear that, because that was a manly—that was a manly movement.

Jodi:  He’s not being still for the hat.

Oxhorn: Yeah, he’s not being still for the hat.  But there he is in his little derby.  That’s OK.  We don’t have to do it.  We don’t have to do the hat.  Here, hold his pacy.  OK.  It’s hot in this room.  Let’s unbutton here a little bit.  Well hi, there.  Hi there, little guy.  These are your biggest fans.  This is the—oh, he’s needy or pruning.  What’s it called?

Jodi: Rooting.

Oxhorn: Rooting.  I’m learning all sorts of terminology here.  But he is six days old.  He’s incredibly well-behaved.  He’s incredibly well-behaved.  He’s my little sweetheart.  He came in with all of this hair and he couldn’t have a more proud mama, dada, and uncle.  He’s got the hiccups.  Oh, he’s hiccupping.  Oh, you’re just being active, aren’t you?  Oh, let’s put his hands down here.

Jodi: He’s hungry.

Oxhorn: Is he hungry?

Jodi: Yeah.

Oxhorn: It is time for a feeding.  Oh, look at him go.  [laughter]  He’s ready for some food.  OK, baby Gavin, we’re not going to keep you hungry any longer.  So say hello to all the fans.  There you go, everybody.  This little guy has been nine months in the making.  He is here and, hopefully, will be a regular cast member of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  So I hope you all love him because he’s a sweet little boy.  All right, I’m handing him off to mama.  Here you go, mama.

Jodi: There we go.

Brian: All right.

Jodi: Yeah, he’s hungry.

Oxhorn: Is he hungry?

Jodi: Yeah.  Bye, everyone.

Oxhorn: All right.  Bye, mama.  Bye, Gavin.  Bye, baby.

Jodi: Bye.

Brian: All right.  So now that the children and women are gone, let’s drink.

Oxhorn: Drink and smoke.  All right.  So, I’ll explain this to you just in case any of you are curious.  But I do have a hermetically sealed environment here.

Brian: A what?

Oxhorn: Hermetically sealed.

Brian: Hermetically.

Oxhorn: I don’t know what the word means, but it sounds important so I’m using it.  It’s a hermetically sealed environment here in this room, meaning no smoke can escape.  That’s right.  We can smoke in this room and the rest of the house is completely free of any kind of tobacco or nicotine product.  Meaning, of course, that the baby is completely, completely fine.  My brother is pouring the scotch.  I didn’t break for anything too terribly expensive.  I have Scotch brand scotch.  That’s right.  It’s such a scotchy brand of scotch that the brand itself is called Scotch, as you can see from the label.  Scotch brand scotch.  And we have some fantastic smokes for you.  So I recently—OK, I actually have a few Cubans in here.  We’re not going to smoke them because they’re Mark’s, Mark Pfaff, AKA the voice of Staghorn and he entrusted them to me for some reason, believing that I would be able to have Cubans in this humidor and not smoke them.

Brian: How many Cubans did he give you?

Oxhorn: Two.

Brian.  I thought you smoked them that one night.

Oxhorn: Yeah, he had four total.

Brian: Oh, OK.

Oxhorn: So I’ve got two and that’s the perfect number for you and I.

Brian: Well, let’s do it.  [laughter]

Oxhorn: You know, they’re all the way from Germany because his brother-in-law gave them to him in Germany.  I don’t think he would appreciate it if we took his Cubans.  Here they are.  These are his Cubans.  We’re not going to smoke them.  Instead, we have quite a selection of other very classy cigars.

Brian:  What?  I’m not good enough to smoke a Cuban with?

Oxhorn: You know what?  You’re fi—OK, do you want to call Mark on the phone and ask him?

Brian: You know how often I come over here?

Oxhorn: You want to call—you could call him on the phone.

Brian: I’m your brother.

Oxhorn: You’re just trying to guilt trip me here.  Trying to make me light up other people’s cigars here.  I’m not a cigar thief.

Brian: [laughter]  All right, all right.

Oxhorn: Look at this fantastic selection I have for you to choose from.

Brian: OK, OK.  These will do.

Oxhorn: Pick your poison.

Brian: Which ones are the Cubans?  [laughter]

Oxhorn: [laughter]  They’re all real good.  These are—yeah, go for it.  That’s not a Cuban.

Brian: All right.

Oxhorn: So I was recently invited to a cigar social the day before the day before the baby was born.  Anyway, I purchased a very—they gave me a great deal.  They gave me 40 percent off all the cigars in the store just because I’m me.  So I bought some and these are hopefully going to last me for a very, very long time.  I’m putting this back in there to keep everything nice and fresh.  Oh, wait.  I’ve got an ashtray.

Brian: All right.

Oxhorn: What’s easier?  That?

Brian: Good.

Oxhorn: All right.  So this is the first time Brian has been on the program in quite a while and no better way than to celebrate our latest co-host and Brian being back on the show than to smoke some gentlemanly stogie cigars.

Brian: Sounds good.

Oxhorn: Today I am smoking a CAWMX2 which sounds fancy.

Brian: And I’ll be smoking something that has CigarRights.org on them.

Oxhorn: CigarRights.org?

Brian: Yeah.  I guess they want rights for people who smoke cigars.  I think they feel like they’re being hated against.

Oxhorn:  You know what?  I feel that every day.

Brian: Sure.

Oxhorn: I am in Seattle and it’s such an intolerant culture here.

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn:  I feel oppressed.  I can feel the oppression.

Brian: People who smoke cigars have rights, too.

Oxhorn: Mm-hmm.  We have rights.

Brian: Go to CigarRights.org.

Oxhorn: CigarRights.org.

Brian: CigarRights.org.

Oxhorn: Look, I have special matches just for the event.

Brian: Sweet.

Oxhorn: They’re pipe matches.

Brian: But anyways, I’m smoking a Casa Fernandez Nicaragua.

Oxhorn: The leaf on mine is peeling a little bit.  I should fix that.  No, no, no.  You’ve got to use the right matches.  That will impart and unpure flavor to your cigar.  You have to enjoy—you have to enjoy the heat of the match.

Brian: Or not.  [laughter]

Oxhorn: Shut up.  All right, now roll it in your fingers.  Roll it.  Roll it.  There you go.  Nicely done.

Brian: Hey.  My first smoke ring in a long time.  Sweet.  I haven’t forgotten.

Oxhorn: You mean you don’t blow smoke rings with your other combustibles?

Brian: [laughter]  My other combustibles?

Oxhorn: Yes.

Brian: [laughter]  No, not usually.  [laughter]

Oxhorn: Cheers, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings and the birth of beautiful Gavin Michael Earl Dennis.  Bottoms up.  How’s that for eight dollar scotch?

Brian: You know what?  It’s good.

Oxhorn: It’s not bad, actually.  I’m actually fairly impressed with this eight dollar bottle of scotch.

Brian.  It’s not bad.

Oxhorn:  Well, look, we have a fantastic show for you all.  Now the baby has been long coming.  And no one has been more supportive than you, the fans.  You guys have—

[End of Video 1]

[Start of Video 2]

Oxhorn: All right.  Has he been—

Brian: What chat is this?  OK, it’s not prompting me do something.

Oxhorn: Yeah, it’s working now.  So it’s live.  So has he been regaling you with tales of his exploits?  Yeah, see?  They’re back.  Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.   I had to recycle my modem and I’m not sure exactly what went on.

Brian: Where’s the video?

Oxhorn: It’s right here.  Yeah.  Right here.

Brian: Finally.

Oxhorn: Yeah.  Terribly sorry about that.  It’s some issue always happens to occur.  I reduced the video quality this week so that you would have less lag.  So hopefully, you guys are completely lag-free.  But as with these things, I can’t always predict what your internet speed is going to be at.  But all we’re doing right now is streaming video and streaming music.

Brian: We’re good.   Good to go now.

Oxhorn: Good to go.  Cheers, ladies and gents.  [pause]  Now, as I was saying, you fine ladies and gentlemen have been blessing our family with many, many gifts.  Many of you—I can’t list all of the wonderful gifts that you guys have given us.  But you’ve given us even more, because we have some fantastic fan art to show off today.

Brian: Sweet.

Oxhorn: Three pieces, to be exact.

Brian: You know what?  I’ve missed seeing fan art.

Oxhorn: Have you?

Brian: Yes.

Oxhorn: I can understand you.

Brian: I have.  I have been.  Aw.  [laughter]

Oxhorn: All right.  I’ve got to do a split screen here.  Now [laughter]—

Brian: Sasha’s going love that.

Oxhorn: You’re not in quite as many as you used—

Brian: What?

Oxhorn: You’re not in quite as many as—

Brian: I don’t care about that.

Oxhorn: I,I—OK.  Whatever.    Here we go.

Brian: See?  It is worth a hundred achievement points.  [laughter]

Oxhorn:  Yeah.  This was submitted by Autumn and—

Brian: Diapers per second.  [laughter]

Oxhorn: This is a piece of fan art of a baby here and the achievement says, “Oxhorn and Nova’s bundle of joy.  Now to show what DPS really is:  diapers per second.”  That was pretty clever.  I love this little image down here in the corner.  Very nicely done, Autumn.  I really appreciate it.  Then this one was submitted by Greg Hartung.

Brian: Of course.

Oxhorn: It says, “Like father, like son.”  And we’ve got the derby.

Brian: I told you he was going to do it.

Oxhorn: Yep.  Yep.  You certainly did.  You called it.  In just a few months, this is what it’s going to be, right?  He’s going to have the beard and everything.

Brian: It’s all except for you.

Oxhorn:  Exactly.  And then this one was submitted by Lepidus Runetotem.  And we’ve got, “Man, I can’t believe this is happening to Azeroth.  I mean, with the Cataclysm and the upcoming expansion, the Warsong Battleground is now inter-faction DMV.”  This guy says, “Beats rep grinding.”

Brian: I don’t get it.

Oxhorn: I don’t get it either.  Must be some sort of—oh, but look in the background.  We have Staghorn, Mortuus with a top hat, Oxhorn, and then this is Lacy right here.  Beats rep grinding.  Not sure what’s going on, but it looks like they’re all standing in line.  So thank you for that one, Lepidus of Runetotem.  That is all the fan art this week.  Thank you very much, everybody, for submitting.  Mortuusfan on Twitter says, “Dear Oxhorn, I just wanted to say that seeing Gavin has really uplifted my spirits and made me feel a lot better.  Still need hugs.”  You know what?  There are so many people in this chat right now that are experiencing far different levels of glee, happiness, joy, and depression.  And so from Brian and myself all the way from Seattle, digital hugs for all including you, Mortuusfan.  Digital hugs.  Hugs, hugs, hugs.   Digital hugs.  Many hugs.  What?  You’re not going to hug?

Brian: Oh, I’m sorry.

Oxhorn: Hugs.  Digital hugs all the way from Seattle.  Hope everybody in chat is feeling fantastic because we, of course, are feeling fantastic.  But you know what else is also fantastic?  Marketing.  Marketing and specifically advertisements.  Now I wish I could say that I have complete and utter control over all of the advertisements that go on at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, but sadly I don’t.  There is an evil elf that lives in my computer and at some sort of random time every episode, he just magically makes a commercial appear that happens to give me a few cents every time somebody clicks on a link that goes through the video.  So I’m afraid that the evil elf is about to do so, so here we go.   Terribly sorry about that, everybody.  Not all will see ads.

Brian: What?

Oxhorn: An advertisement is playing right now.  See?  Commercial break initiated.  Not all will be seeing it.  Some people are watching just us talking right now instead of an advertisement.  But those who are seeing the advertisement could possibly click on the link and I might get some money.  [laughter]  They don’t have to, of course.

Brian: And you make it do this by clicking that button?

Oxhorn: No.  Like I said, there’s an evil elf—

Brian: Oh.

Oxhorn: —that possesses my computer and forces the button to be pushed.  I certainly don’t do it because that would be capitalism.

Brian: That’s terrible.

Oxhorn:  I know.  Smoke rings, ladies and gentlemen, smoke rings.

Brian: Smoke rings.  [pause]

Oxhorn: And we’re out.  Oh, sorry that there was this crazy commercial.  I don’t know what happened there.  It’s almost as if people wanted to make a profit doing this thing.  That would just be wrong.

Brian: My god.  I can’t believe it.

Oxhorn:  Thank you, everybody, for coming to the show.  We’ve got people on Twitch TV.  I see you right there.  We’ve got Big Billy, Lee Bob, Iwanttosuckyourblood.

Brian: I go away for three or four months and some elves show up?

Oxhorn: Some elves inhabit my—

Brian:  What is the world coming to?

Oxhorn: I don’t know. I don’t know how they get there, but this is what happens.  Now I am taking—[laughter].  For those who didn’t hear, he just dropped his ash in his scotch glass.  [laughter]

Brian: Dammit.

Oxhorn:  [laughter]  Don’t know how you’re going to get through that one.  Wow.  That’s a big hunk of ash.

Brian: I hadn’t gone off yet.

Oxhorn: That’s true.  That’s the nature of good quality.

Brian: See, I thought your cigar was better quality than—I thought it would at least last to down here.  So I trusted that you had a really good cigar.  I wouldn’t do this to my scotch drink.

Oxhorn: You should know by now I only save the best stuff for me.

Brian:  Well, you know what?  I think I’m going to go change my scotch glass.

Oxhorn: Are you really?  All right.  He’s going to go wash out his scotch glass and fill it with more scotch, which we have right here.  Don’t forget the ice.

Brian: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know.

Oxhorn:  Close it.  There you go.  All right.  So sorry for the hiatus there, ladies and gentlemen.  But as I say here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, you have questions and I have answers.  More specifically, both myself and my brother have the answers.  For those of you who were hoping to see baby Gavin, we showed him off at the beginning of the show.  I know some of you showed up late.  But we will have the replay of this show up soon.  Obviously, we can’t show him again because we’re smoking cigars.  But if you would like to see really high resolution, detailed photography of the beautiful new co-host of this episode, we have them up on my Facebook page.  That’s Facebook.com/OxhornPage and you can see lots of photos of the new baby there, as well as the replay of this video when it comes to it.  I know.  Sorry, Tahwas.  Tahwas is saying, “No.  Q Q”  We wanted to show him off early  in the show because we didn’t want to smoke cigars, bring the baby in, have him cough and then smoke more cigars.  We wanted to show the baby off, let him leave, lock him up in his little room with his beautiful mama and then smoke cigars.  That was the plan there.  So we will be sure to get the episode up and online soon, so that you guys can see him.  Sorry for the delay.  Anyway, I am taking your questions on Twitter, ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, Twitch TV and also my Facebook pages if you would like.  We have a nice little comment box at the bottom of ScotchAndSmokeRings.com where you can leave a Facebook comment.  And I’m so glad that you all are here today.  Smoke ring break.

Brian: All right, I’m back on.  [pause]

Oxhorn: All right.  I’m going to go to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com and refresh the Facebook comments there in case any of you left any because I have been neglecting those recently.  Jonith on Twitter says, “Oxhorn, I sent some fan art Saturday so that I knew you would get it.  I know I sent,”—[echo]—“I sent both attachments and online links.  Bacon classy.”  My friend, I did show off a few pieces of fan art at the beginning of the program.  I don’t know if any of those were yours, but I checked all of the links sent to me using the contact form.  So if you are at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, there’s a little button that floats in the right-hand corner.  It says “contact me.”  You click that to send me your fan art.  If you send it to me on Facebook, I don’t always get it so please do it that way.  But I did show off your fan art at the beginning of the show.  Mike Chessel on Twitter says, “Hey, Ox, the first word you teach baby Gavin should be ‘brains’ so until he learns another, you will have a tiny baby zombie.”  You mean you’re expecting me to teach my child the word ‘brains’ so that as he crawls around, he’s like, “Brains.  Brains.  Brains.”  OK, I see what you’re saying.  You know, in light of recent news events with all of the zombies and cannibals in Florida on bath salts or something, I don’t know if that’s really good.  Because then everyone would think my baby’s on bath salts and that would not reflect well on me.

Brian: [laughter]

Oxhorn: GaboralX says, “What’s with the card in the background?”  Oh.  That’s a clock, actually.  It’s the queen of hearts clock.  That’s it.  Just a clock.

Brian:  Oh, it is.  That’s cool.  Where’d you get that?

Oxhron: That was Jodi’s.

Brian: Oh, was it?

Oxhorn: Yeah.  It was broken and I fixed it.  Basically, I put a battery in it.  [laughter]  That was me fixing it.  All right.  I’m going to refresh the comments here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com just so that I make sure that I see everything.  And, of course, I’m paying attention to your comments here in the chat.  Are there any comments in the chat that you would like to answer?

Brian: Yeah.  Ghoulbreath has been saying this one.  He’s asking how it’s going between me and Sasha and if I took his advice.

Oxhorn: Whoa.  That’s a very intimate question.  Feel free to answer it on air, live before hundreds of people.

Brian: Well, from what I remember—I don’t know—you said something about me—what was it you said?  Something about me shaping up or something?

Oxhorn: I didn’t say anything about you.

Brian: No, I’m talking about him.  I’m just trying to remember.

Oxhorn: OK.

Brian: Well, all I know is I must’ve taken your advice because it’s going extremely well between me and Sasha.  She is still my beautiful girlfriend and we are still dating.

Oxhorn: They’re a really cute couple, by the way.  They were having way too much PDA, actually, at a coffee shop.

Brian: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Oxhorn: Just hugging and doing all sorts of romantic nastiness that I had to call them out on it.

Brian: That’s right.  Ghoulbreath says, “Don’t mess it up somehow.”

Oxhorn: OK, well he hasn’t messed it up.

Brian: Well, evidently, I haven’t messed it up yet.

Oxhorn: Things are going smoothly in the romantic affairs of Brian.  Glad you’re all interested, so we can put the cap on that one.

Brian: We can put the cap on it.

Oxhorn: All right.  John “Ghoulbreath” Bagley says, “So I just got back from an amazing school dance with my girlfriend and I was wondering for all these classy gents and ladies out there with dances coming up if you could give them advice about what to do and when to do it.”  He’s asking for advice about school dances.  Do you have any advice that just leaps from the top of your head?

Brian: About school dances?

Oxhorn: Mm-hmm.

Brian: Like in high school?

Oxhorn: Surely you take Sasha out on the weekends and go salsa dancing or perhaps do the two-step or the dubstep, depending.

Brian: No. We—never mind.

Oxhorn: [laughter]  Yes, we have fantastic advice for you.  So this is my advice, Ghoulbreath, when it comes to school dances.   This is how it should break down for everyone.  There are no exceptions.  Everyone going to school dances must follow these explicit rules for the school dance to turn out according to your wishes.  So make sure that you’re wearing either a tuxedo or a very handsome sport jacket.  I’m leaning towards tuxedo, because it tends to be a very formal event.  Rent a towncar or a limousine.  Actually, I would stay away from limousines.  Those tend to be kind of cramped, so rent a towncar.  If you’re budget conscious, download an app for your iPhone called Uber.  For 30 bucks, you can call a towncar to pick your date up at any moment.  The driver will step out and say, “Hello, sir,” and it appears like you have your own driver.  Makes you appear rich.  Great.  So get the Uber app to get a towncar to pick you up.  Take—Ghoulbreath says Bag-lee, not Bagel-ee.  I’m so sorry.  I just got you mixed up with croissants and bagels.  My bad.  Bag-lee.  Bag-lee.

Anyway, so once you have picked up your date and you’re in your towncar, don’t go fool boar.  You’ve got an entire dance to go through, so just sit there in a gentlemanly fashion.  Maybe hold her hand, and then ask her questions about her day.  Ask things like, “So, how has your day been,” and “tell me all about all of the women you hate,” and that will tend to stimulate a very extended conversation that will last a good long time.  Then once you get to the dance, hop out and then open the door for her.  Hold her hand.  She’ll extend her hand, as a lady should.   Pull her out of the car and then escort her with an arm like this to the door of the dance.  Then once you’re inside, take her coat.  Put it on the coat rack and then ask her if she wants some refreshments, because sometimes a woman needs to have H2O first, at least, before she’s ready to dance.  Go and get a bowl of punch for her, give her the punch.  And then once she has finished sipping—she’s got her cup and she’s drinking.  Now this is the critical part.  You can’t appear to be a wallflower.  No woman wants to be going out with a wallflower.  No, you have to assert yourself and show her that you can initiate conversation with total strangers.  So I’m not saying ignore her, but as you see other people in the dance you say, “Well hello, good sir,” or “Hello, good lady,” and then strike up a natural conversation about other things.  Bring her into it so that she doesn’t feel left out, and then the bunch of you are having a conversation.  When the music starts, be the first one to come out there on the dance floor.  You don’t want to be the last one.

Brian: Or if she’s being boring, you can always just ditch her for her best friend.

Oxhorn: That also will strike up the jealousy and envy in her eyes, which may prove for a very interesting evening later.

Brian: I’m joking, of course.  Of course.

Oxhorn: That would be bad.  Anyway, when the music starts, be the first person to take her arm and say, “Come on, lady.  We shall dance.”  And then go out and dance.  Now, you don’t want to do anything too crazy and exotic right off the bat.  If you have the moves, feel free to do so later.  But start with a slow waltz with your lady on your arm.  A slow waltz, you know the kind where you have your hand like this?

Brian: Do they do waltzes at dances anymore?

Oxhorn: Well, you don’t want to be grinding up on your woman.

Brian: Well, I’m just saying, do they—I mean—

Oxhorn: They have to.

Brian: This isn’t the thirties.

Oxhorn: But you can still act as if it’s the thirties.  The thirties, it was a classier moment, when you weren’t a hobo during the Depression banging on doors for soup.  It was still a fairly classy period of time.  So you do the waltz.  If you can, maybe the Charleston and the foxtrot.  You can Google these dances later and practice a bit beforehand.  Then have a break.  Get some snacks and sandwiches.  There’s going to be kings and queens and all of that.  You are more likely to be voted the king and the queen if you take the initiative and you act in a classy manner from the first moment out.  So let’s just say that the dance is going great.  You’ve danced with your lady friend.  She’s had a pleasant evening and the evening is winding down.  You don’t want to stay till the dance ends.  And I know my brother’s getting frustrated and bored at this moment, but I’ve got a lot of advice to give on this specific issue.  You want to leave before everyone else starts leaving so it doesn’t look like you’re bored and you don’t know what else to do.  When a couple of hours have gone by, take your lady friend, get back to the towncar and ask her if she wants dinner, like a milkshake or a malt or something.  And then take her to that area and then get her food.  And then maybe go to Lookout Point and you’ll show her the great view and hold her hand.  And you’ll talk about days gone by and future plans that you may have.  And then, when it gets to be around 10:00—because 10:00 is a classy time to drop your date off at her parent’s home—walk her to the door.  Maybe, if she allows, give her a kiss on the lips, a very quick kiss on the lips.  It can’t last longer than three seconds.  And then tell her you had a wonderful time and you’re looking forward to a future date.  And then let her go home to sleep pleasant dreams all about you.  That is how you do your dance.

Brian: Well said.  I’ll drink to that.

Oxhorn:  Cheers.

Brian: Cheers.

Oxhorn:  “Or on the hand,” says Loraanicus.   Yes, that is also perfectly acceptable.

Brian:  On the hand.  On the hand.

Oxhorn: Mike Chessel is telling us a joke on Twitter and here it is.  “Dear Oxhorn, why did the hipster burn himself?  Because he drank his tea before it was cool.”  Haha.  Hah.  That’s actually really great.  You know because—I liked Twilight before it was cool.  Drank his tea before it was cool.

Brian: Oh.

Oxhorn:  That was great.  Old Ironbark says, “Just wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your son Gavin, AKA the little blood Tauren.  Hiya to Bean.  Drink getting lonely?”  Cheers to that.  Drink’s getting lonely.  Bottoms up.

Brian: We just drank.

Oxhorn: Doesn’t mean we can’t drink again.  [laughter]  OK, we’re already getting smoke ship ideas.  Ladies and gentlemen, we will do that in a moment.  We’ve got about 30 minutes left in the show.  Oh, my ash fell.  Look at that.  Cranthir says, “I liked Lord of the Rings before it was cool.”  Indeed.  Indeed, Cranthir.  So Beanstalk, you have been busy in the months between the last time you were on the program and now.  What have you been up to in terms of scholastics and video games in particular?  We already know your romantic life and everything is hunky-dory.  Would you like to expound upon any other fantastic adventures in your life?

Brian:  I’m just finishing up my—well, actually I did.  I finished up my fourth quarter back in school.  Finals were on Monday and Tuesday in Java programming two and calculus.  They’re over, thank god.

Oxhorn: Wow.  Those are some really intense classes you’ve got going on.

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: I don’t know how well I would do.

Brian: I think I did all right.  I don’t think I did amazing, but I did all right.

Oxhorn: Yeah?

Brian:  I definitely passed them.

Oxhorn: Awesome.  Well, that’s what’s important.

Brian: And now I’m going to take the summer off because I’ve been looking forward to having two months of no school for a very long time.

Oxhorn: What are you going to do during that summer?

Brian: Work a little bit more.

Oxhorn: Spend time with your beautiful lady.

Brian: Yes, lots of time with her.  Get some stuff cleaned up around our house.  We’re thinking about going to Silverwood in Idaho.

Oxhorn: Really?

Brian:  The theme park?

Oxhorn: Oh, yeah.

Brian: It’s her son’s birthday and we were thinking about taking him.

Oxhorn: Uh-huh.

Brian: It’s not set in stone yet.  If we have the money, we might do it.

Oxhorn: That’s a good idea.  A little vacation.  Sounds like a fantastic trip.

Brian: Yeah.  Sounds like a lot of fun.  But other than that, yeah.  I’ll go back to school come fall.

Oxhorn: Nice.

Brian: And only a few more months after that until I get my degree, my—

Oxhorn: Your Associates?

Brian: Associates.

Oxhorn: Fantastic.

Brian: Yep.

Oxhorn: Wow, and then you’ll be transferring to another school to get your Bachelor’s?

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: Awesome.

Brian: Other than that, and when it comes to video games, our raid has kind of winded down a little bit.  A lot of people—we’ve been doing it, but recently, a lot of people haven’t been showing up to our raid.  Stuff has been happening in their life, like I couldn’t go to the last one because of his baby—

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian: —and stuff like that, but a lot of people are running out of steam for the raiding and I think Diablo 3 has a lot to do with it.  [laughter]  As soon as that game came out, [laughter] nobody’s on WoW anymore.   Everybody’s on Diablo 3.

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian: And, you know, I’ve been playing Diablo 3.  Not as much as everybody else because I was in school.  I’ll have more time during the summer.  But we might just take a break from raiding until the next expansion comes out.  So we’re going to take a vote on Friday whether we’re going to continue or not.

Oxhorn: Nice.

Brian: But, yeah.

Oxhorn: Great question from FlashGitLeet.  “Brian, do you think Diablo 3 is better than WoW?”

Brian:  It’s a different type of game.  You know, Diablo 3 is like a mindless dungeon crawler, not so much as you get to the harder difficulties.  There’s a lot more complex and you’ve got to really take a look at what skills you’re using.

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian: But it’s a different kind of game.  Different kind of appeal.  I don’t know.  So I can’t really say it’s better, but it’s a nice change, you know.

Oxhorn:  So you think people who have strayed away from World of Warcraft for the time being are kind of getting their Diablo 3 fix and then once the novelty runs off, they’ll return to WoW?

Brian: Well, yeah.  I mean, Blizzard did it on purpose.  In the past, they’ve released new content between expansions to keep the player busy, but this time they didn’t really do that.  Instead, they just released Diablo 3 because they know people are going to play Diablo 3.

Oxhorn: That makes sense.

Brian: Yep.

Oxhorn: Nixtonat0r says, “What is the theme for Gavin’s baby room, out of curiousness or curiosity?  I may or may not have a cute little Gavin gift for his room.”  It is a space/astronomy theme.  We’ve got rockets and robots.

Brian:  He does.  He’s actually got a little figurine of Bender up on the wall.  It’s pretty cool.

Oxhorn: Bender from Futurama.  Yeah, Bender with a ray gun and we’ve got space men and NASA.  All sort of just really classy space themed stuff.  So his room is in astronomy.  Zathan[SP] says, “Hey, Bean, any idea when you’re heading to Silverwood?”

Brian: When we get paid.

Oxhorn: Yeah?

Brian: When we have money to do so.  And if the money never comes, then we’re never going to go, but we’ll see.

Oxhorn: There are a lot of really fun cheap vacation things you can do in Seattle that I’ve discovered.  And if you ever need a really cheap hotel room, let me know because I can get you perks with my job.

Brian: Really?

Oxhorn: I can try, yeah.  Depending on the hotel, yeah.  Just let me know.

Brian: All right.

Oxhorn: Mortuusfan says, “I’ll be there.  I go there often.”  Prepare to get stalked on your vacation.  I kid.  I kid, Mortuusfan.  I know you’re not a stalker.  I kid.  I kid.  What?  Nate Burke says, “Can you give a recap on what you said about the baby?”  Yeah, so you can watch this episode over again where you’ll be able to see baby Gavin at the beginning.  I brought him in an introduced him.  Also, there are photos of him up on my Facebook page.  But in general, he was 9 pounds, 22 ounces when he was born, full head of brown hair—pardon me—and he is adorable.  OK, I’m getting people on certain chats telling me to check other chats to read their comment instead of just saying it in that chat.  ElToroGuaco, I’m looking for the tweet you sent and I can’t actually see it.  I’m terribly sorry.  Yeah, I don’t see it so ask it again and I’ll do my very best to answer it.  Shyster on Twitter says, “Ox, I hope you are doing swell with little Gavin.  I missed the first 20 minutes.  What scotch and cigar are you up to?  And good to see you, too, Bean.”

Brian: Good to see you as well.

Oxhorn: I am smoking a CAWMX2 and we are drinking some scotch brand scotch.  What are you smoking?

Brian:  Same—oh, not the same.

Oxhorn: Ghoulbreath says, “Wait, does Bean like beans?”

Brian: I love beans.  Eat beans all the time.

Oxhorn: What’s your favorite kind of beans?

[End of Video 2]

[Start of Video 3]

Oxhorn: Whoops.  Did we just get disconnected again?  Nope.  We’re good, and we’re back.  Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.  Crazy internet today.  We’re back.  Hey.  Hang tight, ladies and gentlemen. We’re back.  See?  Hi.  We’re back on camera.  No, I can see all your chats.  We are back online.  Yeah, there you go.

Brian: [laughter] I love how everybody freaks out.

Oxhorn: Yes.  [echo]  Ah.  It keeps doing this.  Well, look, I’m so—oh, and you guys are having ads now?  Oh, that’s such a bummer.   I’m so frustrated that you guys are having more ads.  I wish I could do something about it.  But, again, the elf that possesses my show just randomly puts them in there.  Has nothing to do with me.  Lepidus says, “Hey Oxhorn, there’s a story behind the fan art I sent you.  I’ll have to tell you about it on IPU vent.  By the way, grats on the kid.”  Thank you very much.  I do appreciate it.

Brian: Says they’re gone again.  Offline again.

Oxhorn: But we see their chat.

Brian: I know we do.

Oxhorn: Yeah.  Here’s a test.  Let’s click play and see what happens.  Let’s refresh the page and see what happens.

Brian: Uh-oh.

Oxhorn: And we are offline again.

Brian: Oh, no.

Oxhorn: Oh, no.

Brian: Oh, no.

Oxhorn: All right.  Let’s try something here.  We’ve got internet, obviously.  And I’m able to connect, so we are going to stop this stream, ladies and gentlemen, and start it again.  For those on YouTube, that means that the rest of this show will be in another episode which I will link to in the description of this video, so click on that.  All right.  Switching now.

[End of Video 3]

[Start of Video 4]

Oxhorn: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.  [echo]  Yeah, OK.  Now you can hear me.  Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.  We just had another kerfuffle with the internet stream.  Don’t know what is going on.  I’m going to try and figure it out for you.  But I’m back.  I’m back.  “I forgive you,” says Loraanicus.  I’m just so thankful that we have your forgiveness.  I stay awake at night wondering whether or not the fans forgive me for my misdeeds, for I have many of them.  But to know that I have your forgiveness really makes my days long and joyful.

Brian: Oh, did you see “The Avengers” yet?

Oxhorn: No, I haven’t.

Brian: You need to see it.

Oxhorn: Is it a good movie?

Brian: It is good.

Oxhorn: Yeah?  What’s the best part about it?

Brian: I’ve already seen it twice.

Oxhorn: Really?

Brian: Yeah, I saw it with Sasha and her son.

Oxhorn: You want to see it a third time?

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: All right.  Well, we may have to get you to come.  Me, you, Jodi, Gavin and Umer[SP] need to go see it, because I know Umer wants to see it.

Brian: It’s pretty good.  It’s good, because I’m into that kind of thing.  What?

Oxhorn:  SeaMinion[SP] says, “Yo.  Do you still talk to Bill Palmer?”  Absolutely.  Bill Palmer and I are close chums, as always.  In fact, SeaMinion probably is Bill Palmer.  So for those who don’t know, Bill Palmer is a old co-worker of mine from the WeGame days.  I haven’t seen him since 2008 but he recently friended me again on Facebook and I’m so glad because I missed the guy and that’s probably you, SeamAnimation.  I don’t know.   Because how else would ask a question about Bill Palmer?  But a classy gent as always and I look forward to seeing him again.  And I hope you enjoy the show.  If you’re ever in Seattle, Bill, let me know and you can come and co-host the show with me and tell me about your current exploits and what you’re up to.  I’ve got cigars and scotch for you, so just so you know.  Zedrock says, “I’m deeply contemplating smoking my first cigar tomorrow.  What is your suggestion for a first cigar?”  I have a lot of fantastic suggestions, but you know, what is your favorite cigar?  You have smoked many of them so far here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.

Brian:  You’re the cigar man.  You’re the cigar man.  You answer the cigar questions, OK?

Oxhorn: [laughter] Cubans are great.  Romeo y Julieta Cubans are fantastic.  SeaMinion says, “No it’s not.  I haven’t talked to him in years.  Used to talk to him IRC all the time.”  OK, well if it’s not you, then I’ll have to find out.  Be careful not to drop ash in your drink again.  Nica Libre, to answer your question.  Nica Libre is a fantastic cigar.  Try and find it.  They’re fairly inexpensive.  I get mine from either Thompson Cigars or cigars.com and they come in a box-pressed shape.  They’re very flavorful, but they don’t overwhelm you so it’s a very fine cigar.  It’s called Nica Libre, N-I-C-A L-I-B-R-E.  Nice Libre.  “Dear Beanster,” says Mortuusfan, “it’s great to see you back.  When do you plan on completing a true style of class and growing a beard?”

Brian: Oh, Mortuusfan.  I was just reading that one.  It’s not going to happen.  [laughter]  This is probably about as long as it’s ever going to get.  Maybe a couple weeks longer, depending.  But whenever it gets to this point or longer, it’s got to go.  It’s got to go.

Oxhorn: Now why is that?  Is it because you have some sort of chin insecurity?

Brian: Chin insecurity?  No, I’m very secure with my chin.

Oxhorn: Are you?

Brian: In fact, I’m so secure that I don’t want to cover it up.

Oxhorn: Oh, oh.  [laughter]  Wow, that was actually a great response.  Kudos to you.  [laughter]

Brian: Thank you.

Oxhorn: Well, fine.  He may be secure in his chin, but I am secure in my very long beard.  Look at this.  I can actually see it now.   If I do this, I can actually see it.

Brian: Chin secure.  Very chin secure.   [laughter]

Oxhorn:  He’s not insecure.  He’s chin secure.

Brian: I’m chin secure.  [laughter]

Oxhorn: As for me, OK, here’s a tidbit on beards that many of you may not know.  And there’s a wealth of great information on beards if you go to beards.org.  We are not affiliated, but I just happen to enjoy the site.  They’ve got some great videos that I hope to emulate sometime of people just looking into the camera and going, “Beard.  Grow a beard,” for no other reason.  There is no argument needed than simply saying, “Grow a beard.”  But it takes two years to reach full terminal length of a beard.  After two years, a man’s beard does not grow any longer.  So if you ever wanted to know—

Brian: What about ZZTop?  You’re saying that took him two years to grow that?

Oxhorn: Exactly.  Gandalf and everyone.  So that’s just simply the way it goes.  Wow.  Did your cigar have two bands?

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: Oh.  So that’s the way it goes.  Even the people who have incredibly long years, it takes two years to get to that length.  Some people have only beards as short as mine and it tops out at two years.  So this length right here is about seven or eight months worth of growth for me.  So I’ve got about a year and a half, a little bit longer or shorter to get to—

Brian: So, I did try growing mine out for, I think, it was a year?

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian: A little over a year.  And it got to that.

Oxhorn: To about that long?

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: Really?

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: I don’t think I ever saw that.  Do you have any pictures of it?

Brian: I do.

Oxhorn: I would love to see that.

Brian: It was all shaved here, except for this part right here, which went down.  I was trying to do this really long thing right here.

Oxhorn: Oh, yeah, like a sort of Chinese—

Brian: And I wanted to braid it.  But it got down to here and then after that, I was like, screw it.

Oxhorn: All you needed was one more year and that would’ve reached terminal growth.

Brian: I bet you anything it wouldn’t have gotten much longer.

Oxhorn: So why did you decide to grow it out that time and then choose to shave it all off?

Brian: I was experimenting.  There was nothing else to do.

Oxhorn: All right.  Well, what about the experiment failed in your eyes, making you wish to never do it again?

Brian: Oh because—I think I’ve said it before—but I decided that I do not like pubic hair on my chin.

Oxhorn: OK, for the love of mercy and all that is great, it is not pubic hair.

Brian: Well, no.  It was very, very spread out.  It wasn’t close-cropped, you know.  So it looked like a armpit on my chin.

Oxhorn: You know what?  It’s because you didn’t care for it properly.

Brian: What are you talking about I did not care for it properly?  I shampooed it when I was in the shower.

Oxhorn: Yeah, you’re not caring for it.

Brian: All right, how else are you supposed to care for it?

Oxhorn: All right, here’s the thing when it comes to beards.  If you shampoo a beard too much, it gets bristly and painful.

Brian:  I was, I mean every time—

Oxhorn:  Here’s the—look, and I don’t mean to gross everyone out.  But the way to keep your beard pliable and healthy is to only shampoo it maybe once every three or four days.  I know it sounds gross but, look, your face has natural oils that they’re used to condition it.  And also, combing it is great to stimulate the follicle growth.  And there are certain beard products that can help the look and luster of a man’s beard.  Blue Beard has some great beard products.  And in fact, if you are interested in purchasing said beard products here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, click on the little shop icon at the very top of the page, not that I get a commission from every beard product sold—even though that’s true.  But you can buy beard balms and waxes and—

Brian: And what’s this chat over here?  There’s this Uncle Robby.

Oxhorn: Really?

Brian: What is that chat over there?

Oxhorn: That’s Twitch TV, the new place where I’m streaming him.

Brian: Oh.  It’s Uncle Robby.

Oxhorn: He says no need to mention him.

Brian: Well I just did.  Sorry, uncle.

Oxhorn: OK.  So we’re being watched by family members.

Brian:  Well, Uncle Robby, next—I know you want a stogie and some scotch, so next time you come over here, you’re going to have to drink some scotch and smoke a stogie with us.

Oxhorn: Exactly.  The next time—

Brian: I’m not sure why you didn’t do that last time you were here, but we’re definitely going to need to do it.

Oxhorn: We forgot about it, but we have stogies with your names on them and a fine glass of scotch just for you, Uncle Robby.  So next time you’re in town, let us know and we will hook you up with combustibles and consumables in liquid form.

Brian: Wait, so explain this new TV thing.  Twitch TV.

Oxhorn: OK, so Twitch TV—I was previously using LiveStream and I’m still using the LiveStream chat because I enjoy the chat system via LiveStream better, which is why we’ve got LiveStream going on right here.  But I’m actually using Twitch TV synched in with XSplit to generate this sort of video.  It’s nice because not only do I get commercials, but I get split screens here so I can have a number of cameras going on, which we’re seeing right now.  And it’s a little bit of better quality, even though apparently we’re getting disconnected.  But I think that’s an internet issue.  So I like Twitch TV.  We have a larger audience because of Twitch TV.  More people are watching now because of Twitch.  So yeah, that’s why I’m using Twitch.  I prefer it.  [echo]  [pause]  Ironbark says, “I’m glad for that, Ox.  Too lazy to learn a different chat system.”  Yeah, it’s hard to migrate all of the moderators from the previous chat all over here.  Dubalupakus[SP] says, “Wow.  I haven’t seen Bean in a while.”  Your fans missed you, man.

Brian: I missed being here.  In fact, I miss you, bro.  I miss coming over here every week to do the show with you.  You really, really suck for moving to Ballard.

Oxhorn: [laughter]  I’m sorry about that.  It was—

Brian: You know I don’t have a car right now.

Oxhorn:  Well, you do have people who love you who are able to give you transport.

Brian: Yeah, whatever.

Oxhorn: And there are buses, not that I enjoy them.  But they do exist.  And if you ever need a lift, I’m happy to drive on down and pick you up, bring you back up here.  Just saying.  And pretty soon when you get your own wheels, you’ll be able to come on up because we all missed having you here.  I miss you most of all.

Brian: OK.  Well, so yeah.  I’ll probably definitely be here next Thursday, since Brandon has the next couple weeks off, or the next week and a half off because of the baby.

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian: And I’m off for school.  The reason I haven’t been on here because I was so busy with school.  It was kind of hard to get down here and do homework and whatever.  But next Thursday, I’m definitely want to plan to being here again.  As far as throughout the summer, we’ll see.

Oxhorn: Awesome.

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: I like that.  We’ll have a regular co-host again.

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: Sounds good to me.  Nixonat0r says, “You got a lot of mixes replies to your the prons blog post not long ago.  What did you think about them and did they make you rethink your position?”  Great question.  So for those who don’t know, I wrote up a classy opinion on pornography and masturbation.  Not necessarily classy topics, but I felt they needed to be covered because I’ve been getting a lot of questions about them and I feel like as a gentleman, I have a moral responsibility to teach classiness to other fine gentlemen who frequent this program.  So I laid out my opinions.  And to answer your question, no I have not changed my mind.  I understand that my views are not popular with many, but my philosophy is class is not something that comes innately.  We’re not born with class.  Class is something learned.  Class is something we aspire to.  And by consequence, that simply means that in order to be classy, we have to learn and start practicing new ways of acting and behaving classy.  That sometimes means we have to change the way we live.  We have to change our previous beliefs.  We have to change our previous ways of acting.  And people don’t like to change.  They don’t like being told that the way they are currently acting is not classy.  People like to think that they just are classy, when in reality people are not always classy.  I certainly have not always been classy.  Even though I am at the peak of classiness at this moment in my life, I was not always here.

Brian: But you know, there’s a fine line—just listen to me for one—

Oxhorn: I’m listening, my friend.

Brian: When you say you strive to be classy, it’s good to be classy like that.  But there’s a fine line between being classy and having it look like you think you’re better than everybody else.

Oxhorn: The nature of being classy means that you believe you’re acting in a way that’s better than everyone else.

Brian: Yeah, but when someone gets the hint that you’re acting like you’re better than they are, that’s not really what they’re going to want.  That’s not what you want.

Oxhorn: The split hair—

Brian: There’s a way to be classy without it making—make it sound like you’re putting someone else down.

Oxhorn: No, I wholeheartedly agree.  And if I were in a different mode of life, I would actually probably say that the classiest thing would be to avoid controversy and to not banter about your own opinions.  Classy people don’t necessarily knock on doors and tell people about their political beliefs, for example, or their moral and ethical beliefs.  However, in this specifically unique situation wherein I find myself, I’m constantly asked about my political and religious and moral beliefs.  And I think in that instance, it would be unclassy of me to simply gloss over those, so I’m happy to share.  I would normally say that it’s not necessarily classy to go about sharing such things, but if asked I tend to answer.  Now, the difference is this:  an unclassy person who disagrees in your mode of classiness is himself promoting a way of being classy.  He is saying that by doing the things that I think are unclassy, he is therefore being classy and therefore to not do them or to object to them is being unclassy.  So we’re both making moral, ethical, and classy judgments upon each other.

Brian: OK.  I’m just saying that when you say such things, you’ve got to be aware of how you sound.

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian:  You don’t want to sound really, really pompous.

Oxhorn: Yeah.

Brian: You don’t want to sound like—what’s the word?

Oxhorn: Snobby?

Brian: Whatever, yeah.  That’s all I’m saying.

Oxhorn: And I agree.  It does matter how you say things.  The vehicle often is more important than what is being contained, in terms of how people see things, which is why a lot of people will buy booze based on the bottle instead of the actual contents of it.  Interesting analogy, but yeah.  So my personal philosophy on things that are classy and unclassy is that there are certain things that are and certain things that aren’t.  And by consequence—the consequence of that distinction is that those who practice the unclassy things will naturally be upset with you for having a firm stance towards the classy.

Brian: And that’s why I love you so much.

Oxhorn: Yeah, I know.  I know.  ElToroGuaco on Twitter says, “I got a pennywhistle this week and I’m practicing daily, but I find King of the Fairies hard to learn.  Could you make a tutorial?”  So the way I learned how to play the pennywhistle is I watched other people play videos of it, and then I just looped it and I then I practiced it over and over and over again.  Many times, many times on this program, I have played King of the Fairies.  In fact, I’ll do so again.  And pay close attention to the fingering as I play.  And then when I post the replay of this episode, feel free to loop it so that you can see me do it.  So here’s the fingering to King of the Fairies.  So I’m holding it like this.  [whistle playing]  How does it go again?  [laughter]  [whistle playing]  And then as you get more comfortable with the pennywhistle, you can iterate on that and develop your own personal style for playing those classy songs on the pennywhistle.

Brian: Well, I think it’s smoke ship time.

Oxhorn:  OK, but there’s a problem with that.

Brian: What?

Oxhorn: The problem is that you have half a stogie left to go.

Brian: So?

Oxhorn: And the show is almost over.  Once the show ends, we can’t smoke anymore.

Brian: So?

Oxhorn: Waste not, want not, my friend.  Waste not, want not.

Brian: I’m confused.

Oxhorn: You’re not smoking it enough.

Brian: I have been.  I’ve been saving it for the smoke ship.

Oxhorn: Oh, you’re going to go through this entire thing for the smoke ship?

Brian: Yeah.

Oxhorn: OK, here we go.  OK.  Loraanicus is ready with his smoke ship idea, apparently.  All right, it’s 8:00.  So ladies and gentlemen, it is time for that part of the program where we blow a smoke ship into existence.  Unlike most people who smoke the cigar, those who frequently co-host this program at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com have been endowed by our creators with the inalienable right to blow smoke ships into existence solely from the smoke produced from the combustion of a tobacco leaf in the form of a cigar.

Brian: OK, so—wait, wait.  So how long have you had these double cams?

Oxhorn: About a month.

Brian:  OK, well how have you been doing it?  Have you been blowing smoke into both?

Oxhorn: No.

Brian:  Well, sorry my friend, but this one needs to be covered.  So this week, I will cover the side cam and you cover the main one.

Oxhorn: That has been the handicap that I have had without you.

Brian: I know.

Oxhorn: This is why I need you here to help me with this.

Brian: I know.

Oxhorn: OK, so I will tackle this cam.

Brian: Because if you have a side cam going and you only blow the smoke to one, they will see how the ship was made and the magic is kind of dissipated.

Oxhorn: It’s kind of lost, isn’t it?

Brian: A little bit lost if they have a side view of what’s going on.

Oxhorn: That’s a bummer.  I hadn’t thought of that before.

Brian: Yeah, I’m telling you right now.

Oxhorn: All right, so my co-host here is going to help me fully manage the magic of these smoke ships, and we have a whole lot of suggestions here.  This one from Loraanicus: “Ox, Nova, Gavin, Bean in a pecan pie wheeled leather towncar driven by Arthas running on Scotch bran scotch blowing smoke rings out of the exhaust.”

Brian: There were three cams at one point?

Oxhorn: Yes, there were.

Brian: Oh my god.

Oxhorn: “—running over zombie hippies high on bath salts.”

Brian: Why a third?

Oxhorn: There are so many facets of this beard that just have to be shown on camera.  You’ve got to get it from all angles for everybody to full appreciate it.

Brian: Wow.  I mean, if one view of you wasn’t enough, you have to have three.

Oxhorn: Man, there was a back view so people could see just the back parts—

Brian: Someone’s not self-absorbed.

Oxhorn: You know what?  When you have it, flaunt it.  [laughter]  Only in terms of beards, not in terms of other body parts, by the way.  Ghoulbreath says, “Ox sailing on a bacon made galleon with elven skin sails while he gives dance lessons and Sasha tips to a blushing Bean—“

Brian: What?

Oxhorn: A blushing bean.  Hold on, it flew off the screen.

Brian: Sasha tips to a blushing bean?

Oxhorn:  “—Sasha tips to a blushing Bean as Sasha watches baby Gavin grow a classy beard for Nova as she cooks for everyone.”  [laughter]  Autumn says, “Oxhorn and Bean driving a giant UFO shaped ship flying over Stormwind and shooting laser cows down at pandas and elves below while Nova lets a giggling baby Gavin watch out of the windows of her ship.”

Brian: Just to tell you, Sasha needs no tips.

Oxhorn: She doesn’t, does she?

Brian: No.

Oxhorn: No, she’s fairly tip-free.

Brian: She’s a tip-free woman.

Oxhorn: All right.  These are great ideas, you guys.  [laughter] MixiMasterBlatterMister says, “I just want Evan the dark side of Azeroth to be on a sail of the ship.”  That’s a great request.

Brian: Oh, the tips were for me, Ghoulbreath?  OK.  Well, that’s true.  I need a lot of tips.  That is true.  That’s a daily work in progress to give me tips.

Oxhorn: Nethehholyhamlamer says, “A battleship made out of peanuts and soap bbqd and covered in steak sauce shooting down all the night and blood elves in Pandaria and crashing into the island, crushing all the pandas in sight.”

Brian: I kind of like Loraanicus’.  Have you read that one yet?

Oxhorn: Which one?

Brian: The bath salts and zombie hippies.

Oxhorn: “Ox, Nova, Gavin, and Bean in a pecan pie wheeled leather towncar driven by Arthas, running on Scotch brand scotch blowing smoke rings out of the exhaust, running over zombie hippies high on bath salts.”  [laughter]  That is pretty great.  I did like that one.  You like that one?  We in agreement?

Brian:  Yeah.

Oxhorn: All right, that’s the one we’re going to do.  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.  Here we go.  So pay close attention because if you blink, you’re going to miss it. But for you, this moment, you have before you two experts at the blowing of smoke ships who are going to create in two puffs of smoke one image of a smoke ship that sort of congeals and combines into one beautiful diorama sitting before you on the camera.  So look at one camera with one eye and the other one with the other eye and you will be able to, like a magical image that were popular in the 80s that you kind of stared at and you had to get the—yeah.  That will create the smoke ship illusion.  Ready?

Brian: OK.

Oxhorn: All right.  [pause]  Whoa.  Woo-wee.  I hope you didn’t blink because if you did, you missed it.  But for the briefest of moment, you saw a towncar made in leather with pecan pies as the wheels being driven by Ox, Nova, Gavin, and Bean.  It was running on Scotch brand scotch for the fuel and out of the exhaust pipe came smoke rings.  And what were they doing?  They were running over zombie hippies that were high on bath salts.  Every one is unique.  It’s like a fingerprint of smoke here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  [laughter]

Brian: What?

Oxhorn: Is the smoke getting to you?

Brian: Why?

Oxhorn: No, just kidding.

Brian: No, I’m not used to smoking a hard cigars.

Oxhorn: We’ve got a big meal ahead of us though, so it’s going to bring it all down.

Brian: OK, I can do that.

Oxhorn: All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so very much for coming to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, Episode 151.  I hope you all enjoyed it and if you would like to see more pictures of the beautiful baby Gavin, go to Facebook.com/OxhornPage to see them all.  Thanks again for coming.  Be sure to follow me on Twitter, Twitter.com/Oxhorn.  Facebook, Facebook.com/OxhornPage, and of course come back to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com for previous episodes and future episodes.  And as always, we say here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, be sure my friends to—

Brian: Stay classy.

Oxhorn: —stay classy.

Brian: Good to see you guys again, and I’ll most likely see you guys next week.

[End of Audio]

Scotch & Smoke Rings Episode 150 Transcript

Oxhorn:  Well hey there, everybody, ladies and gentlemen, one and everyone.  I am your neighborhood friendly Oxhorn here, as always, with my suspenders set to maximum stun.  This is the 150^th episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  For 150 weeks every week every Thursday at 7:00, we have come here.  We have congregated to this place at this moment in time to drink scotch and to blow smoke rings and to talk about video games and life in general.  Hello everybody once again and thank you for coming.  I am happy to be here and this is an extra special episode, ladies and gentlemen.  Do you know why?  Well, it’s because this is the last episode of my life before I go from being not a parent to a parent.  That’s right.  My beautiful wife, Jodi, is pregnant and she is about to give birth.  We’re pretty sure it’s going to happen here soon, probably before the next episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  So that is what makes this day special, and hopefully we’ll get her on camera here before the episode ends, maybe?  Maybe.

But before we start, of course, we have to go through the preshow ritual, which of course is pouring the scotch.  Today I am drinking a very, very cheap scotch.  Yes, this is a blended scotch whiskey and you know it’s bad when instead of the brand name, it simply says scotch.  This is scotch brand scotch and the label is scotch.  But I was feeling very frugal when I was at the scotch store today so I purchased this Prestige scotch blended scotch whiskey.  Let’s try it out.  No cork, by the way.  No cork, sadly.  [pause]  Not too bad, ladies and gentlemen.  Not too bad at all.  Could be much worse.  And, of course, today we are using our water vapor pipe.  [pause]  Partyanimal3303 says, “Oxhorn, is your awesome wife going to be chatting with us today?”  Quite possibly.  I would love to have her come on out and say hi before she gives birth.  But she hasn’t quite decided.  I tried to get her to come out, but she’s a little under the weather.  We’ll see.  We’ll see.  She’ll probably be in the chat as the show goes on, and show she’ll be able to answer your questions directly.  [pause]

Not bad, right, for water.  All right, so we’ve got some fan art to show off today.  You guys have been intrepid, as usual.  If I can find it.  There we go, and I’ll show you guys what you have sent me today.  So for those who don’t know, I love getting fan art from you fine ladies and gentlemen.  You can submit it to me at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  There’s a little hovering “Contact Me” form on the page and be sure to paste in a link to the photo that you’re trying to send me.  I had one talented individual try and send me a link to the file on his C drive.  That doesn’t always work when you’re emailing the link, so be sure to upload it first and I’ll be sure to show it off.  My beautiful wife, Nova, says, “Hello, hello.  I am in bed on my lappy.”  All right, ladies and gentlemen, you have to urge her to come onto camera.  And if she so decides, she will be sure to grace you with her presence.  Okay.  There’s the photo.  How do I—there I go.

There’s this, which was submitted by Autumn and it is an achievement.  It is a classy achievement.  As you can see, the icon is Oxhorn over here.  And it says, “Keeping it classy, Oxhorn style.  Because nothing says classy like a derby hat, a fine cigar and a glass of scotch while you listen to classy music.”  Indeed, Autumn.   I’m glad you noticed that.  It is true.  It is true.  And then there is this one by the very talented Greg Hartung, who submits fan art almost every week.  And the caption is, “Summer fun with Oxhorn and friends.”  And here we have the entire gang out and having summer fun.  This guy’s—I don’t know—Staghorn, if he’s racing or running away in fear.  I’m not sure.  But Mortuus and Lacy over here are having a good time cheering him on.  Oxhorn, he’s got his shades on.  Look at that.  He’s got his sunglasses on there, just sort of sunning.  And this is, of course, Nova Domina, scantily clad, actually.  [echo]  Oh, no no.  Oh, man.  There I go.  I fixed it.  So anyway, that is the fan art for today.  I got more, but you guys didn’t send it to me the right way so I wasn’t able to show it.  Anyway, thank you for your submissions.  If you would like to submit fan art, it’s ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, and in the contact form.  Cheers, ladies and gentlemen.  Bottoms up, my classy fellows and fellinas.

Brano[SP] the Annihilator says, “Hey, Ox, congrats on the elf cowbie.”  Is that what it is now?  An elf cowbie?  Nethehholyhamlamer says, ”I submitted mine to Facebook and ScotchAndSmokeRings.com”  Did you?  All right, let me check my Facebook.  See if I can get it. I don’t see it on either of my pages.  That’s right.  Hold on.  I forgot, we have another regularly scheduled segment that we haven’t been doing on a regularly scheduled, or on a regular schedule.  All right, I’ve got—ah, OK.  Hold on, I may have seen it.  Yes.  All right, here we go.  I see it now.  OK, if this is you.  Here we go.  This is fan art by Alex and it says, “Scotch and Smoke Rings.  Only classy men can sit in midair.”  Yes.  Yes, indeed, that would be true.  Only classy men can sit in midair.  But you’re the one that drew it, right?  So thank you for that.  Awesome fan art, hand drawn.   Got to love it.

So as we have done in the past—the Ranta[SP] says, “What is this?”  This, my friend, is class.  I hope you can appreciate it and enjoy it because it’ll only be here for another 80 years or so.  We used to have a regular segment here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com called, “Don’ts for Husbands and Don’ts for Wives” just because, you know, we need lessons.  You know, we’re not born with all of the knowledge on being husbands and wives that we should, nor do we know all of these things once we get married.  So I figured I would share some of the wisdom that was written back in 1913.  That’s right, these are don’ts for husbands and wives from 1913.

Jealousy—these are don’ts for husbands.  Don’t try to be a sultan.  This is the West, and you can’t shut your wife away from other men.  Don’t insult her by trying to.  Because sultans regularly shut their women away from other men.  Don’t tease your wife about every pretty girl you meet.  She may not be jealous to begin with, but after awhile, she may begin to think that there is something in it.  Ah, good advice.  Good advice.  Keep your eyes away from the other ladies, gentlemen.  Don’t object to a servant on the score of her looks.  What?  Don’t object to a servant on the score of her looks.  I don’t get it.  You wife will—oh, spelling typo in a published book.  Your wife will take care not to engage a pretty maid if she suspects you of undue interest in her appearance.  Ah, OK.  All right.  So this is advice for people who are hiring servants and he’s telling men to not object to a servant because she’s ugly.  Great.  This is very pertinent, right, to 2012.  Here we go again.  Don’t imagine your wife never wants to see any other man than you.  However nice she thinks you, it is possible to have too much of a good thing.  [laughter]  That’s probably true.  I don’t think my beautiful wife has had too much of a good think yet.  I’m pretty sure.  Is it possible to have too much of me?  No.  Don’t, if you think your wife sees too much of another man, forbid her to speak to him.  You will, perhaps, only crystallize a wandering fancy by this method.  Fill up her time yourself.  Take her out a good deal and the too friendly attitude will soon die a natural death.  But a woman of spirit won’t be coerced.  Timeless advice. [laughter]

All right, don’ts for wives.  All right, ladies.  Prepare to hear some advice from 1913.  Evenings at home—that sounds like a good topic.  How about that?  Don’t be out, if you can help it, when your husband gets home after his day’s work.  Don’t let him have to search the house for you.  Listen for his latch key and meet him on the threshold.  [laughter]  It’s the language that I love.  “Listen for his latch key and then meet him on the threshold.”  That’s pretty good.  Don’t omit the kiss of greeting, ladies.  It cheers a man when he is tired to feel that his wife is glad to see him home.  Pretty good.  That’s good.  Don’t greet him at the door with a catalog of the dreadful crimes committed by servants during the day.  Again with the servants.  Was this book written for only masters?  [laughter]  People who live in palatial mansions with all of their servants living in the small rooms in the basement?  Was that the target audience for this?  If so, it’s a good thing I have it.  Don’t think your husband horrid if he seems a bit irritable.  Probably, he has had a very trying day and his nerves are overwrought.  Yes, overwrought nerves.  Don’t forget, if he is nervy, to watch if the tea habit is getting too strong in him.  Nerves are often due to too much tea as to too much worry.  The tea habit.  Look, they’re talking about a caffeine addiction in 1913.  Interesting.  One more.  Don’t bother your husband with a stream of senseless chatter, women, if you can see that he is very fatigued.  Wow, really?  If you—OK, so help him to do the tidbits at dinner.  Modulate your voice.  Don’t remark on his silence.  If you have any cheery little anecdote to relate, tell it with quiet humor and, by and by, he will respond.  But if you tackle him in the wrong way, the two of you will spend a miserable evening.  Wow.  Wow.  [laughter]  I just find it fascinating to see how people were supposed to address marriage and the relationship between men and women a century ago, literally almost a hundred years ago.  Right?  Everybody—oh, the men in the chat right now are going amen.  Amen, Oxhorn, amen.  Yes.  Cranthir says, “Tea is code for scotch.”  Indeed it is.  How could I forget?  Cheers, ladies and gentlemen.  Bottoms up.

Lord Blackbane says, “Just curious.  Why did you switch to Twitch TV?  The sound quality has slightly declined and I’m having bad lag spikes.  Suggestions?”  Actually, since I switched to Twitch TV, I’m not seeing—oh, OK.  Hold on a minute.  Nope.  No, it’s working fine.   Since I switched to Twitch TV, I have not seen worse quality.  I’ve actually seen better quality.  Let me look at my settings here.  Nope.  Looks fine on my end.  Yeah, it’s streaming pretty well.  How about everybody else in chat?  Looking pretty good?  You’re all having lag spikes, huh?  All right.  I unplugged my other computer, so it is no longer competing for internet.  Corban6 says, “Ox, I’ve seen your ClassyManIAm and I saw those kittens.  How much are they?”  The kittens?  I’m sure they will be free, but I don’t know if my grandma—I was at my grandma’s house.  The story behind that video is that my grandma loves animals, right?  She pretty much accepts any animal that comes to the door.  This time, she has been playing the hostess to a wild, random cat which decided to give birth in her closet.  So now she has a bunch of kittens and she doesn’t know what to do with them.  So I’m sure she’d be happy to give them away.

Lag?  You’re getting lag, too?  I don’t understand.  On my end, it’s looking fantastic.  In fact, what I think I’ll do—oh, by the way, I am accepting comments here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  There’s a little Facebook box near the bottom where I answer questions regularly.  So feel free to post your comments there.  And I’m going to play my stream a little bit to see if it’s lagging on my end.  It is lagging on my end.  Wow.  Don’t know why.  All right.  Well, I’ll figure it out later.  Right now, I’ve got a show to do.  So, yeah, sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.  It appears to be lagging pretty much.  Here, maybe if I turn this off.  Will that help?  You have to let me know if that fixes the stream, if that makes it better.  You’re fine now?  Is it?  All right.  Irish1488 says, “Ox, so what have I missed in the past?”  Well, you’ve missed quite a bit.  So this is episode 150 and since—well, let’s see.  So that’s 150 weeks of doing this show, almost two years now.  Almost two years.  OK, much better, you guys are saying?  Fantastic.  Well, maybe that’s what it was.  Maybe it was just processing two cameras.  Who knows?  That was fun.  It was a fun experiment, having two cameras up, but I guess it was lagging.  So there we go.  Down to one camera.

Anyway, since then I have gotten married.  I got a new job.  I’m about to have a baby.  Little things like that, right?  Nothing too terribly drastic.  “Oxhorn, do you RP in WoW?”  No, I do not RP in WoW.  I have a role and that role is myself, but that’s really the only role I play in WoW.  I don’t actually have a backstory.  Amelia80 on Twitter says, “Are you ready for some hardcore daddy/paternity leave flex?”  Yeah, so funny story.  I actually—so, I’m working fulltime while I’m doing my Oxhorn stuff and I’m trying to be a good husband.  Yesterday, I’m sitting at work and my boss comes up to me and says, “So how long are you going to take off for paternity leave?” because he knew that I was having a baby.  And I said, well, I know the company really needs me and that I have a lot of work to do so I’m going to try to take one week off and then get as much work done as I possibly can.  And then he interrupts me and he says, “Nope.  You’re taking two weeks off.”  I’m like, what?  I don’t know if I need to take two.  He says, “Nope.  I remember when I got my first two children and I needed two weeks.  So Brandon, take two weeks off.”  I’m like, all right.  Hey, if the boss is telling me to take two whole weeks off, who am I to argue?  So I’m taking two weeks off.  Two weeks of paternity leave.  I’m going to spend the entire time making sure that my beautiful wife is comfortable, well-fed, and given all sorts of different kinds of Oxhorn love so that she feels comfortable with the brand new baby.  [pause]

Is it so—I don’t know what.  All right.  Did the camera thing help?  If not, I’ll turn it back on.  Tell me if this makes things worse.  I’m curious.  Patrika on Twitter says, “It has been a while.  I have moved to my new apartment and I came early to watch the show.  Cheers, my good friend, Ox.”  Fantastic.  Well, I’m so glad you’re here, Patrika.  It’s good to have you and we love your gift and we can’t wait to use it with the baby.  No difference?  Worse with two cams?  All right.   I’ll take off the second cam for now and we should be good to go.  The only other thing I could do is reduce the stream quality and I don’t want to do that because this looks like better quality.  Brano the Annihilator says, “I don’t mean to brag, but I can cook a mean gnome jambalaya.”  Really?  Interesting.  Well, you should probably market that.  I bet people are constantly going onto Google searching for gnome jambalaya.  You could make a bank.  [pause]

So my buddy, Mark, came over yesterday.  And Mark is the guy who does the voice of Staghorn in my movies.  And he brought two Cuban cigars.  I was in heaven.  These were real Cubans from Cuba.  His brother -in-law lives in Germany and so his brother-in-law bought him these Cubans and brought them home with him.  And so I got one.  And he left, actually, all of his other Cubans in my humidor.  So I’ve got a stash of Cubans in the house and I’m supposed to keep them for him.  I don’t know.  I’m kind of tempted, right?  A bunch of Cubans in the house, a baby on the way, and I may just be tempted to smoke them.  You think my friend will be upset?  Do you think Mark would be bummed if I smoke all his Cubans?  Interesting.  Interesting.  I’ll have to ponder that for a little bit longer, but it was a fine cigar.  It was a really, really nice cigar.  Although, here’s a secret and you can’t tell Mark this ever, so it doesn’t go beyond this chat where hundreds of people are watching publicly, all right?  It doesn’t go beyond here.  Mark can’t handle cigars.  I know, it’s true.  Whenever he smokes a cigar, he’ll get halfway through it and then blargh, blargh, blargh.  He starts to feel a little sick.  And cigars are potent, right, so I can understand that.  If you’re not used to cigars and you haven’t built up a tolerance to them, they can get a little intense.  They can make you a little blargh, you know?  [laughter]  But poor Mark, my buddy, he cannot smoke a cigar without getting a little sickly.  Just the way it goes.  “Even on Cubans?” asks Eddohiguma[SP].  Yes, even on Cubans.  I had to finish his.  He only got halfway through his Cuban and I finished it off, so I had a Cuban and a half last night.

What?  Really?  Some of the messages you guys send me are just—[laughter]—they’re just hilarious and I can’t read them on camera.  So not answering that, but I am chuckling.  Psykin98 says, “I’m going to tell him.”  No, you cannot tell him.  This was a secret between me and you and the other 80 people here, right?  You can’t spoil a secret.  That is ungentlemanly-like.  That is not what classy individuals do.  [pause]  Corban6 has said something profound.  He says, “The nature of class is that not everyone has it.  If everyone had class, then there would be no distinction between the classy and the non-classy, effectively making the word ‘class’ meaningless.”  That, of course, is a quote from my manifesto on class at BloggingWithClass.com.  Be sure to read it.  It is enlightening.  I’m glad, Corban, that it has made a mark.  Shyster112 says, “Ox, you should be getting some fan art from me in the future.  I’m currently too busy working on my novel, but have a great show.”  Thank you very much, Shyster.  Good luck with your novel and I look forward to the fan art in the future.  That was a lot of alliteration.  Forward to the fan art in the future.  Patrika on Twitter says, “Ddriag1 in chat is asking, ‘Hey, Ox, I received a turtle for my birthday and I want to know if it’s safe to feed a turtle cheese.’”  Sorry I missed that one, Ddriag.  But no, you should not feed your turtle cheese.  I don’t know if it will hurt them, but it’s a dairy.  It’s a processed dairy.  They’re not used to seeing or eating it in the wild so they really love meat.  Find them earthworms and crickets and grasshoppers.  They love those, and sometimes mealworms, if it’s a small turtle.  If you don’t have any meat like that, grill up some ground beef.  They love ground beef.  I don’t know if they like chicken, but mine always liked ground beef.  And big leafy green vegetables.  They love that.  [pause]

OK.  Thank you, and you pronounced the name wrong.  Look, I’m reading text here, right?  I don’t know.  It says D-D-R-I-A-G 1.  De-drag?  De-dree-ag?  D-D-dree-ag?  How can you tell me that I’m pronouncing a name with two Ds next to each other wrong?  I’m just saying there usually has to be a vowel between two consonants, so I don’t feel bad.  But you’re welcome.  You’re welcome.  [laughter]  Edohiguma says, “I remember the old days.  Oxhorn’s machinima, and now you’re married with a cute Tauren druid on the way.  I could just hug you.  Maybe one day I’ll get the chance, I will.”  Maybe, my friend.  Maybe you will at the next Blizzcon, perhaps, which I will of course be attending.  But yeah, this is life now, right?  Oxhorn, ROFLMAO guy, now producing spawn.  Yeah.  Yeah.  [pause]  These little water pipes, not too bad, right?  I can produce a fairly thick smoke.  Not too shabby, huh?  [pause]  “Are you going to give Gavin a bubble pipe?” asks Autumn.  Yes, I think that would be a lot of fun.  Not when he’s really young, but maybe when he’s older, maybe a year or two older, I’ll buy him a little bubble pipe and then he can blow on it and produce bubbles like his daddy.  Yeah, that’s right.  I’ll do smoke rings.  He’ll do bubbles.  And by smoke rings, I do mean water vapor rings.  I’m not going to smoke around my kid, just to let you guys know in case you couldn’t figure that out.  [laughter]

Psykin98 says, “Oxhorn, can I see your feet?”  No.  No.  That is creepy.  Never ask a man if you can see his feet.  I kid, I kid.  I’m not getting on your case.  I do have rather amazing feet.  They are one of my best features, especially when they’re encased in the awesome suede shoes that I happen to be wearing right at this moment.  I guess that means I am going to have to show you my feet.  I really don’t want to.  Tell you what.  If you want to know what my suede shoes look like, they are on my image blog called OxFlix at sanswords.tumblr.com.  So there you go.  [pause]  Shyster112 says, “Your turtle is a carnivore?”  Indeed. Turtles love meat.  Box turtles anyway.  If you’ve got a little box turtle, which is a very small tortoise, they love meat.  They’re usually 60 percent carnivore, 40 percent omnivore.  And by omnivore, sometimes, you know, they love corn because corn is really sweet, but it’s not good for them.  And the same is true with humans, right?  I learned this when I got my first turtle.  The poor guy, Hat, he had been fed on a diet of nothing but corn when he was at the pet shop and he was sickly and thin, but he loved corn and it was all he could eat.  And so when I first got him, I brought him home and I was doing all of this research online to try and learn about turtles and I read that corn was pretty much poison for turtles.  And so I put him on a strict diet of crickets and earthworms.  And he got fat and strong and healthy and I weaned him off of his corn diet.  And then I started introducing big leafy vegetables like—not spinach, because I think spinach irritates turtles a little bit—but kale and broccoli.  He loved broccoli.  And carrots, carrots are more of a treat.  They’re not the best food for turtles, but he loved carrots when I would feed him carrots.  But his favorite foods were earthworms.  He loved earthworms. [pause]

What?  What in the world is going on in chat right now?  You guys need to be classy.  Keep your class factor up.  No creepiness, no stalking, no inappropriate comments or else the ban hammer.  I’ve got it tucked away right here.  Do I need to bring out my ban hammer?  No?  All right.  Corban6 says, “Blogging With Class is so cool.”  I’m glad, and I will share some blogging with class comments every Thursday so people know a little bit more about being classy.  Thank you, my friend.  I’m glad that there are at least a few people who enjoy my blog which is, of course, called Blogging With Class.  So thank you very much.  Glad you’re here.  RelaCalia[SP] says, “Quit creeping.”  Indeed.  We don’t need people a’creeping in this chat.  Is that what the kids say these days?  A’creeping?  [pause]  This scotch was nine dollars.  Nine dollars for a bottle.  I got a very, very cheap bottle of scotch.  I didn’t want to spend a lot of money.  I’ve got to pay for diapers now.  I’ve got to buy a lot of diapers.  Expensive.  But for nine dollars, it’s not bad.  I thought Scoresby was a very good affordable scotch and that’s a $13 scotch.  But this is pretty decent as well. [pause]  [laughter]

Nethehholyhamlamer says, “Oxhorn, since you know that you have so many fans, have you ever thought of starting a tour selling autographs in the states’ major capitals?”  Oh, yeah.  This has been on my mind for a long time and I really do.  Every day, I’m getting messages from people saying come to Wisconsin or Madagascar, my local area, and give me autographs.  I want autographs and photos.  I want to shake your hand and pose for pictures.  Oh, it’s all the time.  It’s incessant.  I can’t even drive to work without people getting in their cars and driving me off the road and saying, “Oxhorn.  It’s Oxhorn.  I would love a photo with a signature.”  No, really it’s not that—that’s really not my life.  I’ve got a fairly low-key kind of life.  I get a lot of people asking for photographs and signatures at events, like Blizzcon.  Then I walk around and I get noticed.  But in real life, I don’t.  I think it’s happened three or four times in real life someone recognized me.  Once was at a supermarket in SeaTac.  Once was on the street in San Francisco.  What was the third time?  I remember there was a third time.  I forget.  But yeah, it doesn’t happen all the time.  I am, of course, happy to give autographs and photos to those who request.

[laughter]  Jordan Finch says, “Ox, glad to be around for your 150^th episode.  I’ve been to as many as I can since the 60^th, but I’ve got to dash.  See you round, dude.  Must resist staying.  Have to sleep.”  My friend, pleasure to have you here as always.  Sleep is important.  Go get some classy sleep.  It’s good for you.  So what a minute.  My year anniversary was 52.  My two year anniversary was 104, really?  So what a minute.  Have I passed my third year anniversary and I didn’t know it?  Hold on a second.  How many weeks in a year?  I know I could do this with a calculator, but—OK, Google is faster.  It says 52.177457.  That’s a lot of weeks in a year.  How many weeks in three years.  156?  That’s a lot of weeks.  All right, so I’ve done my year anniversary.  I’ve done my two year anniversary.  I’ve got a three year anniversary episode coming up in six weeks.  That’s a month and two weeks.  I can has math.  OK, well it looks like I have a special show to conjure up.  Do you guys have any ideas?  You’re going to have to email me some ideas for some amazing things to do for my third year anniversary of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  Who would’ve thought that in three years, I would go from wherever I was three years ago to here.  Ah, I just couldn’t imagine it.  [pause]

Nethehholyhamlamer says, “Ox, what is the most unclassy moment of your life that you can remember?”  And I can tell you what it was.  It was the one moment in my life where I actually got drunk.  I have made a point here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com to never drink too much, to never get drunk and that’s just my personal life philosophy.  I don’t want to lose control of myself.  I feel like it is perfectly possible to enjoy a gentlemanly beverage without getting drunk.  And so that is part of my personal manifesto and that is to never get drunk.  But one time when I was younger and inexperienced and foolhardy, I did indeed get drunk.  It was when I was living in California and it was during my birthday party, I think it was.  And man, that was quite a party.  Anyway, I did and said things that I regret and a lot of them are on camera which, hopefully, none of you will ever see.  So thankfully, I learned from that mistake and my class factor has revived.  And I will never again be drunk.  That was my most unclassy moment of my life.  [pause]

Diego23 says, “Oxhorn, have you ever heard of the Feadóg tin whistle?  I just bought one.”  Of course I have, my friend.  I have one, so I’m trying to find it.  There it is.  Feadóg.  If it’ll focus.  Key of D.  This is the tin whistle I used to do “ROFLMAO!” and other machinima stuff that I’ve done and it’s a fine tin whistle.  It’s reasonably priced.  I think this was $13 or $14.  It’s got a very clean, pure note.  [whistle playing]  So, yeah, it’s a good tin whistle.  Congratulations.  Dakota says, “Oxhorn, been here when you got the whiskey stones from a fan.  Love the live stream.  Where did you get that pipe from?”  I got this pipe online.  I forget where it was.  There was a specific website where I bought it.  I’ll have to share it all with you.  It was fairly inexpensive.  I think this was $30 and then the refills, I think I’ve got a package of refills that I can show you.  Yeah.  These are the refills that go in it.  This is a Pipe 601, so if you want to Google it, it’s a Pipe 601.  I bought enough refills to last me for a very long time.  Usually I go through one refill a week and there are six refills per canister and I’ve got seven canisters left.  So as you can see, this will last me a very long time.  And the replacements were $20, so it’s a very inexpensive way to smoke if you really want the nicotine hit.  But the ones that I have have actually zero nicotine, so they’re nicotine free.  [pause]  And as you can see, it produces a fairly fine water vapor smoke.  [pause]

Shyster112 says, “Ox, you are coming upon your third year celebration of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  What are you planning on doing for the special occasion?  Another meat meal?”  [laughter]  True.  The last time I did a big celebration episode, I had a grill outside, right?  My brother came and then my best friend from college came, David, and we had barbeque.  We sat there barbequing hot dogs and all sorts of fantastic stuff.  That’s a great way to celebrate.  I may have to do that again.  I actually have a really nice yard now, now that I moved into this new house.  We have a deck.  He have a nice yard.  We could smoke uninterrupted and have a grill.  That’s a great idea.  I’m glad you’re sitting there thinking about these things for me, my friend.  Sohikitsune says, in a rather intimate reveal into his life, “Bottle of Jack Daniels, $15.  An electronic pipe, $20.  A pair of shamrock suspenders, $10.  Massaging my girl’s back while watching Scotch and Smoke Rings, priceless.”  You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.  I tip my hat to you.  Kudos and bottoms up.

All right, I’m going to refresh my ScotchAndSmokeRings.com comments to see if any of you have commented, if I can find the right tab.  What?  Hold on a second.  There’s an elf whispering evil things to me.  What are you saying, elf?  Run an ad?  Aw, I can’t do that.  I don’t want—oh, I have to or else the world will end?  Oh, I don’t want the world to end.  All right, looks like I have to run an ad.  I’m sorry everybody, but the world will end otherwise.  Here’s an ad.  30 seconds, cheers.  [laughter]  To the fine gentleman who was asking me earlier why I switched to Twitch, this is why.  Ads.  [laughter]  Sorry.  How else am I going to afford my beard soap and conditioner, right?  I’ve got to have a stock of manly beard products, right?  All right, refreshing my Facebook comments here on ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Let’s see.  Sam Nichols asks, “Will Brian be back for the third year, perhaps?”  Yeah, absolutely.  I’ll do my very best to get him on camera again.  All right, there’s 20 minutes left in the show.  Does my beautiful wife want to come on camera and say hi?  Beautiful wife?  Maybe?  I don’t know.  We’ll see.  If she decides to come, I hope so.  But if not, you all will understand, I’m sure.  [laughter]  ElToroGuaco says, “You’re evil, Oxhorn.”  I know, I know.  I just can’t help it sometimes.  It’s so easy, easy to be evil.  “Ox, for your third year anniversary, however you spell it”—I think you were close, you were close—“you need to wear a classy tuxedo suit with a black top hat, have a classy cigar and pipe, a bottle of single malt scotch and have a nice BBQ.”  That sounds amazing to me.  There’s nothing that screams class than scotch and grilled flesh covered in sauce.  I mean, that’s like heaven.  I just can’t think of anything else that would be better.  So who knows?  Maybe that is what I will do.  Yes, if—all right.  Nova Domina, my beautiful wife, is feeling a little under the weather.  It’s OK.  Well, you know, I’m sure she’ll come on camera again in the future, probably to show off the baby when the baby is born.  So, no pressure. No pressure, honey.  No pressure, my sweetheart.  You can stay there.

“Nothing like a warm cup of java with Irish cream creamer,” says Brano the Annihilator.  This is a weird song.  That’s true.  I have actually—I can appreciate an alcoholic coffee, like an Irish cream is very tasty.  It’s more of a dessert coffee, right?  It something you drink after a nice, big meal.  Have a little bit of coffee, a little bit of alcohol, a little bit of whipped cream on top.  Not bad.  [pause]  Jonith says, “Ox, audio.”  What’s wrong with the audio?  Is there something wrong with the audio?  “Why is there a queen of hearts on the wall behind you?” asks a fan.  Well, I missed your comment.  Oh, that’s actually a clock.  Right over there?  Yeah, that’s a clock.  My wife had it.  It was in her room and then when she moved up here, she brought it and now I’m putting it in here.  I like it.  Variable205 says, “Any updates on the hippie neighbor next door?  I’m kind of curious.”  No, nothing really.  We had that altercation a few weeks ago where I pretty much put him in his hippie place and I haven’t seen much of him, neither hide nor hair—long, long hippie hair—of him since.  So I saw him once, I think it was yesterday.  And we just acted like everything was cool.  He said, “Hello Brandon.  I hope you enjoy the sun today.”  And I said, “Why thank you, Tom.  I will.  Have a good day on you bicycle.”  And then he rode off with his helmet on.  That’s it.  [pause]

Man, I’m rocking these smoke—er, water vapor rings.  [pause]  Bogrin[SP] in chat says, “You know what she has to go through to get that baby here?  It’s not fun.  My mom almost tore my sister’s dad’s hand off.  It hurts like—uh, defecation.”  Really?   All right, well I will do my very best to not get my hand ripped off, but of course, she will have my hand and she can use my hand to steady herself during such a process.  All right, checking out ScotchAndSmokeRings.com comments.  Let’s see here.  What have we got?  Jonathan C says, “Ox, any idea when you and Myndflame will be playing Shoot Many Robots?”  We played that game a few weeks ago and he published a YouTube video of it.  If you find his Myndflame YouTube channel, I’m sure you’ll be able to see it.  It was a lot of fun.  I really enjoyed that game.  Brenda Burks says, “Do you sing barbershop music?  You have a fine voice.”  Why thank you, Brenda.  I’ve sung barbershop quartets before.  When I was in college, I was in a quartet where we sang, oh what’s the name of the song?  [singing] Farewell and adieu to you, Spanish ladies.  Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain.  For we’ve received orders to sail for old England.  We hope in a short time to see you again.  I forget the name of it, but that was a great quartet and I was a tenor one in that.  I had the highest part.  Then, of course, for my machinima, I do videos every now and again, which is always fun.  “Hey, Ironbark.  When are you going to be on the show?” asks Bogrin.  “Who knows?” says Ironbark.  As soon as you come up to Seattle, Ironbark.  We’d love to have you as a co-host here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  [pause]  [laughter]  BlondTusk[SP] says, “I’m so late.”  Well, at least you’re here.  I mean, yes there are only ten minutes left in this fine program, but you made it, right?  You’ve got a little bit of the beard, and it’s important and it will satisfy you for the rest of the day.  So glad you’re here.  [pause]

Shyster says, “Ox, could you play the pennywhistle?”  I could, but I don’t know what you guys want to hear.  What is on your minds?  I’ve got a couple of choices.  There he is, my Guinness pennywhistle, which was a gift of a fan.  There’s my Feadóg pennywhistle, which was my very first pennywhistle.  There’s my key of C pennywhistle, which is blue and produces a fine, low note.  And then there’s my favorite pennywhistle, which is this one.  Dixon, it’s a Tony Dixon.  King of the Fairies?  I play that one almost every time.  You want me to play King of the Fairies again?  All right, how about this one?  The Rocky Road to Dublin?  That’s a good song.  I don’t know if I can do it on the pennywhistle, though.  [singing] One, two, three, four, five.  [humming]  [whistle playing]  Pandas?  Yeah.  Pandas, pandas, pandas.  [whistle playing]  Oh, man. I’m bad.  [whistle playing]  Tipperary?  All right, hold on.  No, I don’t know that one.  [singing]  It’s been a long way to Tipperary.  All right, how about King of the Fairies?  You guys want that.  [whistle playing]  What’s another one I know?  [whistle playing]  It’s been a while.  [whistle playing]  There you go.  I forget the name of that one, but that’s more of a traditional Celtic folk song, I believe.

Concerning Hobbits?  You want me to play Concerning Hobbits?  How does that one go again?  [humming]  Is that the right one, Concerning Hobbits?  I don’t know if I can play that one.  I should probably learn it.  I believe I get asked it a lot.  It’s actually getting close to smoke ship time.  We have six minutes left in the books, show.  All right.  [whistle playing]  How’s that?  [whistle playing]  Man, that was sort of off the top of my head.  Never done that before ever.  They always say that the best take is always the first take.

[laughter] Giggle Me Gently says, “Ox, you are my great kodo.”  There’s a whole lot within that entire thing that bothers me.  But you know what?  That’s cool.  That’s cool.  [laughter]  Psykin98 says, “This is the first Scotch and Smoke Rings where I did not come up with a smoke ship and I was not prepared.  I am sorry, Ox.”  Well, my friend, I’m sure you will come up with one next week.  But in the meantime, it is time, ladies and gentlemen, for your smoke ship ideas.  We have four minutes left in the program and I will blow for you a smoke ship of any shade and color that you wish.  Whether it’s a diorama or a submarine or a flying zeppelin or a regular, traditional battleship, or maybe some sort of spaceship, I will do my very best.  Cheers, ladies and gentlemens.  Tip your bottoms just a little bit up.  Nethehholyhamlamer says, “I sent you my smoke ship idea on Facebook.”  All right, let’s see.  What have we here?  It’s easier for me if you send them on Twitter, but I will do my best to check out Facebook as well.  [laughter]  It’s very cool.  Wow.  Interesting.  That’s bizarre.  [laughter]  Oh, sorry.  By the way, if any of you are curious, feel free to check out my Facebook page, Facebook.com/OxhornPage, where you will see a video of a man who took his taxidermied cat and turned it into a helicopter.  You’ve got to just admire their creativity, right?  [laughter]  I’m trying to see your comment, my friend, and I don’t see it.  Maybe you put it on my regular Facebook page?

Oh.  “Ox and Nova flying a unicorn-drawn flying carriage and fly through a portal into the Diablo realm of Whimsyshire, where the elves are trying to release fuzzy bears, unicorns, and rainbows into Azeroth,” says Ironbark.  Fuzzy creatures into Azeroth?  I shudder to think.  [laughter]  “What do you think of K-Pop, Brandon?” asks Johanns?  My thoughts on K-Pop are similar to my thoughts on J-Pop, which I pretty much laid out at the end of “Thunk Leaves Home,” in the form of a single called, “Oxhorn’s opinion on J-Pop.”  So feel free to check that out.  My answer your questions.  Corban6 says, “Ox, Stag, and St. Patrick, of all people, driving a bacon train with pecan pie wheels, hauling golden barrels of green whiskey and bales of the highest quality tobacco across the universe on a double-rainbow track.”  Wow. Corban, my friend, that’s pretty boss.  Pretty boss.  Pleepo says, “Pleepo and Oxhorn flying through blue night sky whilst jumping on a donkey-eating pumpkin pie while shooting Alliance with our bows and yelling, ‘For the Horde.’  A sheep is munching on some grass, by the way.”  Oh, that’s good.  [laughter]  Donkey-eating pumpkin pies?  You guys, the creativity of the Oxhorn audience is impressive, impressive.  Diego23 says, “Do the Black Pearl with a rainbow breeze, whistling The King of the Fairies, zigzagging through 20 4^th dimensional turtles singing Irish ballads.”  OK.  “Ox and Stag playing bacon pennywhistles while they ride a giant turtle like tusk car, through a scotch sea spreading bacon musical joy across Pandaria,” says Ghoulbreath.  Fantastic idea.  What’s wrong with that one?  [laughter]

I’m sorry, I just can’t get the idea—oh, nethehholyhamlamer says, “Ox, did you get my smoke ship idea?  I didn’t listen because my cousin just barged in the house.”  No, I didn’t see your smoke ship idea.  I don’t actually see it on my social places.  “Nova driving a giant airship and smoking a bubble pipe, while the ship shoots double rainbow lasers at the Alliance.  An army of invisible pink unicorns attacking the pandas below,” says Autumn.  Very nicely done.  Jonith says, “Hat atop a galleon made of bacon, commanding his panda and elf slaves to fire upon the tofu production facilities while Oxhorn carves out a pipe for baby Gavin to blow bubbles with from Stag’s,” and there it stops.  I don’t know.  nethehholyhamlamer says, “A battleship made of peanuts and soap BBQd and covered in steak sauce, shooting down all the night and blood elves in Pandaria.  The ship crashes into the island and crushes all the Pandaren in sight.  Hat and Barnaby are then teleported to Pandaria by Mr. Evil for them to eat all of the elves,”—[phone rings]—hold on, my phone is ringing.  “For them to eat all of the elves and Pandaren’s corpses, then they return to Kalimdor by riding a monochrome rainbow, having their,” and it’s still going and I haven’t seen the last bit of it.  Wow.  This is quite a smoke ship, my friend.  I have no idea who this is.  I’ll wait till the show is over to call them back.

“Bean eating panda pizzas while Tom the hippie neighbor teaches baby Gavin how to blow a bubble pipe while Ox and Nova cook elf bacon in the classy kitchen.”  Elf bacon?  As much as I love bacon, I just don’t know if I would eat elf bacon.  Oh.  Nethehholyhamlamer finishes by saying, “having their desert of sausages covered in whip cream.”  Oh, it’s a dessert of sausages.  I like it.  It’s really good.  All right.  I think I’m actually going to go with [pause]—what the heck?  Why are they playing this song?  Whatever.  It’s just really distracting.  Isn’t this a nursery rhyme?  Why is this on a classy music station?  “A turtle spaceship flying from earth to protect it from the planet-eating galaculas.”  Galactus.  “A planet-eating galactus as its firing its laser.”  That’s nice, ElToroGuaco.  OK, there we go.  I like this one.  Sorry.  So, Pleepo, just the idea of a donkey-eating pumpkin pie just fills me with all sorts of magic and wonder.  So that’s the one I am doing today, ladies and gentlemen.  Here we go.  Time for this week’s smoke ship.  Be ready.  [pause]

Whoa.  Did you see that?  There before your very eyes was Pleepo’s wonderful masterpiece.  It was me and him flying through the blue night sky while jumping on a donkey-eating pumpkin pie.  You know, a big pumpkin pie that eats donkeys, right, while shooting Alliance with our bows and yelling “For the Horde.”  And just randomly, a sheep is also somewhere in the vicinity munching grass.  So there you go.  All before you at one moment was that fantastic smoke ship/diorama by Pleepo.  So thank you very much, Pleepo.  And thank you, everybody, for coming to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 150.  The 150^th episode of this fine program and also the final one before yours truly becomes a father.  So thank you, everybody, for coming and be sure to tune in next week, same Ox time, same Ox channel, for episode 151.  In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, be sure, my friends, to stay classy.

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