163

Oxhorn:               Welcome, one and everyone, to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 163.  I, as you all know, am your neighborhood friendly Oxhorn here, as always, with my suspenders set to maximum stun.

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               I am accompanied today by—

Brian:    Brian.

Oxhorn:               Yes.  His name is Brian.  He once went by Beanstalk.  Does he still?

Brian:    Well, I still have two name—yes, Bean.

Oxhorn:               Yes?  Still Beanstalk?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               All right.  So he’s still Beanstalk, everybody but you can call him either Brian or Bean, whichever you prefer.  We have a fantastic show for you today.  This is the 163rd episode of this fine program.  Okay, hold on.  People are yelling at me in chat here.  Hold on.  Put your Twitch account in the chat box.  I can’t watch.  I don’t even know.  Ladies and gentlemen, there should be a link at the top of ScotchAndSmokeRings.com so that you can watch on Twitch TV.  But just in case, I’ll find the link for you.  Let me know if you can’t hear me.  People should be able to hear me.  I’ve got this microphone all working well and I, in fact, heard myself just a moment ago.  So you should be able to hear me just fine.  There should not be a problem.

Brian:    So, last time I was here, this was full, Brandon.

Oxhorn:               Was it?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               So have I been sipping on it a little bit?

Brian:    It seems that way.

Oxhorn:               There was a time when I was out of scotch and I—

Brian:    [laughs] That was a sad day.

Oxhorn:               It was a sad day.  I had to improvise and so my inner pirate came out and I had to drink some rum.

Brian:    Well, I guess I’m going to be drinking this stuff [distorted audio].

Oxhorn:               Brian, that’s multiple glasses.

Brian:    This is one glass.

Oxhorn:               Yes.  No, this is—OK, this is probably two shots right there, I’m thinking.  That’s a goodly amount, right?

Brian:    Actually, yeah.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Anyway, here’s the link, everybody, to my Twitch TV account if you prefer.  There.  I just put it in the chat.  Is that it?  That’s all?

Brian:    That’s it.  That’s it.

Oxhorn:               OK, so there was only one shot, but we do have a lot of scotch, so—

Brian:    I’m fine with this.  It’s cool.

Oxhorn:               OK.  There we go.

Brian:    Yep.

Oxhorn:               So, tell us a little bit about your adventures and what’s on your mind today.

Brian:    Well, it’s good to be here again, see you guys.  It’s harder to get down here, especially—it’s going to be even harder when school starts because I’ll have night classes on Thursdays.

Oxhorn:               Really?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               When does school start?

Brian:    24th.

Oxhorn:               Really?

Brian:    Yep.  School starts back up for me on the 24th.

Oxhorn:               Goodness.  That’s pretty quickly coming up.

Brian:    Yeah.  In a couple weeks, two and a half or so.

Oxhorn:               What time are your night classes, just out of curiosity?

Brian:    I’ve got to look at my schedule again, but I think they start at 6:00 or 7:00 or something.

Oxhorn:               Every Thursday?

Brian:    Every Thursday.

Oxhorn:               That’s not right.

Brian:    Every Tuesday and Thursday.

Oxhorn:               Well, thankfully, that’ll only go on for, what—three months?

Brian:    Yep.

Oxhorn:               And then you’ll be back in the fold, AKA, able to co-host this fine program.

Brian:    Well, unless the next quarter has classes on the same night.  [laughs]  I don’t plan it like this.

Oxhorn:               You take what you get?

Brian:    I take what I can get.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Well, here I am giving you something to take.  It’s a Churchill Deluxe.  These are not fancy cigars by any means.  In fact, they were fairly inexpensive.

Brian:    Oh, thank you.  Yeah, Greg.  When the—actually, I probably should be on before the expansion comes out just so that I can get used to the new talent system and see what it’s like.

Oxhorn:               Are they releasing all of that stuff before the expansion?

Brian:    The already released a patch last week for—the adapted all the new talent systems.

Oxhorn:               Really?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Oh.

Brian:    They have the opening cinematic on there.

Oxhorn:               Oh, cool.

Brian:    Yeah, so all that stuff is in place.  They have a new UI interface, you know.

Oxhorn:               Yeah, the Mists of Pandaria UI.  And you’re getting used to that now?

Brian:    I haven’t been on.

Oxhorn:               Oh.

Brian:    I logged on once on my mom’s account just to get the patch and that’s it.

Oxhorn:               Just to see.

Brian:    I’m in the middle of playing an Xbox game that is very involved right now.  As soon as I beat it, I will be on WoW trying to figure it out.

Oxhorn:               What’s the name of this Xbox game, out of curiosity?

Brian:    Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.

Oxhorn:               Kingdoms of Amalur?

Brian:    Amalur, yeah.  I guess it came out December, but I just ran across it a used-game section, so I thought I’d pick it up because it was recommended.  And it’s really fun and I am, like, 140 into it [laughs] in game time.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               Good golly.

Brian:    But I’m almost done.  I’m almost done with it.

Oxhorn:               140 hours?

Brian:    Yeah.  Yeah.

Oxhorn:               All right, hold on.  Oh, man.  People are telling me that I can’t tweet out that the show is live because it’s a duplicate.  This is not a duplicate.  It may be a duplicate link, but I’ve got new things to say and that is that we are live.

Brian:    Yeah.  And Ironbark’s right.  RA Salvatore wrote the back story to that game, the author, RA Salvatore.  Todd MacFarlane did the artwork.

Oxhorn:               Oh, this is that game you were telling me about.

Brian:    That game, yeah.  Todd MacFarlane did the artwork.  RA Salvatore did the story and the creators of Fable and Skyrim were also involved.

Oxhorn:               Is this the game I was watching you play in there?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Oh, very cool.

Brian:    Sad thing is Big Huge Games and 38 Studios, I think it was called, they actually went out of business.  They went bankrupt.

Oxhorn:               Making this game?

Brian:    They mismanaged their money, paid way too much money for certain things.  Big Huge people didn’t get their investments back.

Oxhorn:               Oh, no.

Brian:    And the whole company went under.  People lost their jobs, and it’s pretty sad because it’s an amazing game.

Oxhorn:               But they published the game?

Brian:    They published the game, but the publishers went out of business soon after, or the developers.

Oxhorn:               Well, I wonder how many titles would have to be sold in order for them to go back in business.

Brian:    I have no idea.  But it’s kind of sad.  Yeah, it’d be cool if they sequel sometime.

Oxhorn: That is sad.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Sad, because it’s a good game, isn’t it?

Brian:    It’s a very good game.  I enjoyed it.

Oxhorn:               Well, ChaoticEnigma on Twitter says, “The band is back together.  Nice to see you, Bean.”  So there you go.  You have at least one fan right now.

Brian:    [laughs]  Oh, I’m a cute little HARDCORE kitten thought it was Nova that was playing.

Oxhorn:               Oh.

Brian:    Yeah, I’ve seen some messages come up, but I just didn’t look at them because, no, it’s not my account, so I’m not going to read other people’s messages.  I’m not like that.

Oxhorn:               By the way, if—he’s not snoopy like that.

Brian:    I’m not snoopy like that.

Oxhorn:               If you see Nova come on her Xbox account and you try to talk to her and she doesn’t say anything, it’s probably me because I use that account to watch Netflix sometimes at night.  I don’t actually play any video games, but sometimes I will watch Netflix and I don’t respond to any of her messages.  So that’s probably what’s going on if you don’t get a response.

Brian:    OK.  Well, I’m going to cut this off.

Oxhorn:               All right, cut away.

Brian:    Not into my drink.

Oxhorn:               That would be bad.  You did that once, didn’t you?

Brian:    [laughs]  I think so.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.  All right.  Now, sadly, I am out of matches today.  I know.

Brian:    So we’re going to have to be very unclassy for you guys tonight and use old-fashioned Bic lighters.

Oxhorn:               Ugh.  I feel dirty igniting this Bic lighter.  But, sadly, it’s my only choice if I want the almighty flame.  I suppose I could pull out some flint and steel wool and a knife and then create fire that way.  Oxhorn create fire.  However, I’m feeling lazy and I need to start the program, so there we go.

Brian:    Let’s do this.  Greg, little Gav is in the other room.  [Distorted audio] while we’re doing the show.  I was holding him earlier and he was making pouty faces at me.  [laughter]  He was.  He was looking at me and he had the little lower lip out.  He was going, “Ouum.”  And a few seconds later he’d be like, “Yahayay.”

Oxhorn:               This is something I have discovered.  Babies are born with the ability, desire, and will to manipulate.  People think that only adults manipulate or that they use empathy to kind of control people, but no.  Babies do so as well, which means that this is a bred, human characteristic.  We’re all born with original sin that causes us to want to manipulate others to get our own will.  I’m learning these things now that I am a father, of course.

Brian:    We’re kind of low on viewers tonight, huh?

Oxhorn:               Yeah, but we just started.

Brian:    Oh.

Oxhorn:               And I hadn’t had a chance to tweet it out.

Brian:    I see.

Oxhorn:               See, I tried to tweet it here, but I got an error message.

Brian:    Not working.

Oxhorn:               So I just tweeted it out.

Brian:    Drat you, tweet.

Oxhorn:               And now, everybody will be coming.  [pause]  Oh, OK.  Bladstrike says, “I’d be there, but I want to see Obama speak.”  So, does this mean that this program is broadcasting as Obama’s Democratic National Convention speech?

Brian:    Yeah, I believe so.  Yes.

Oxhorn:               If that’s the case, then there’s no excuse for anyone to not be here because this is far more important.  I’m just saying.  We’ve got cigars and scotch here.  He’s just talking about the lack of job creation over the past four years, and that’s a boring topic, right?

Brian:    Right.  We’re not going to do a political rant, are we?

Oxhorn:               No, I’m not.

Brian:    OK.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               I don’t do political rants.  [laughs]

Brian:    Thank you.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               This is something that I—last week, I think it was, I said it to everybody.  I’m happy to tell people about my faith.  But when it comes to politics, not into politics.  Just saying.

Brian:    Neither am I.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Now, if I ran for a political office, then I may get into politics.  And I’d probably win.  I would be a better Republican candidate than Mitt Romney.  I’m just saying.  [laughter]  They should’ve knocked on my door and said, “Oxhorn, you need to run for the Republican ticket.  You can lead this,”—

Brian:    And you’re like, “Oh, yes.  I will.  Let me go grab my pipe and my hat and I will be right there.”

Oxhorn:               That’s exactly what I would’ve said.  Let me get my handkerchief.  I will come lead this nation.  [laughter]  I just have it all planned out, too.  There would be new laws for making sure people wore their shirts tucked in and suspenders out.  There would be laws about exactly how long the seam on your pants should be when you iron a crease into them.

Brian:    It sounds like prison, man.

Oxhorn:               [Laughs]  Starching your collar.  Really?  Does that sound like prison?  No, this is just how the gentlemanly dress, is what that is.

Brian:    Well, being forced to do these things would be prison, though.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               OK.  Quite possibly.  Just dictating gentlemanliness.

Brian:    We live in America, damn it.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               This is America.  I don’t have to starch my collar, gosh darn it all.

Brian:    [laughs]  Yes.

Oxhorn:               But if Oxhorn were president—

Brian:    If Oxhorn were president.

Oxhorn:               Just saying.  [laughter]  Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I had a release yesterday.  It wasn’t a machinima movie.  No.  It wasn’t some other thing that I can’t think of right now.  Instead, it was a movie of a different kind.  And I released along with it a new website.  You can see this new website at Grow—

Brian:    Graow?

Oxhorn:               Did I spell it wrong?  Yeah, I did.  Graow a beard.  Anyway, you can see this new website at GrowABeardNow.com.  Look, everybody in the chat, they’re already like, “Beard.  Beard.  Grow a beard.

Brian:    Yeah.  Beard.  Beard.  Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Yeah, it’s pretty great.  You know what?  If I had directed Nemo 2, the gulls would not have said, “Mine.”  They would’ve said, “Beard.”  Beard.  Beard.  I just think that that would’ve been a perfect thing for them to say, far less annoying.  But I did just release a brand new video.  For those who have not seen it yet, I’m going to show it off to you if it loads.  Come on, movie, load.

Brian:    Movie, load.

Oxhorn:               If it loads, I’m going to show it off to you.  But I decided to release this movie along with a brand new website.  Have you seen the website that I released with it?

Brian:    I’ve seen it, yes.  I didn’t click on any links, but I opened the website.

Oxhorn:               Well, there are a few products on this website that I think you all will find fascinating, including beard chin lube from Thailand.

Brian:    Chin lube?

Oxhorn:               Chin lube designed to help grow your beard.

Brian:    I see.

Oxhorn:               And beard pills.

Brian:    Beard pills.

Oxhorn:               Take the pills and you will grow a better beard.  There are all of these things.

Brian:    Do you take them?

Oxhorn:               I don’t.  I have the natural ability to grow the beard, but there are some people who are not as genetically blessed.

Brian:    But just think how full your beard might be if you started taking them.

Oxhorn:               Oh, my.  [laughter]  Now you’re giving me ideas here.  All right.  Next on Oxhorn’s wish list, beard vitamins.  [laughter]  All right.  Anyway, I know some of you might’ve missed it, so I’m going to try and load it up here and play it for you all.  First, mute that then click that.  Then move that and there we go.  So now you can see my video.  Let’s try playing it, if I have my—wow, my computer is lagging to the end of the earth.  What on earth is going on here?  How are you guys doing in terms of lag, huh?  Just out of curiosity.

Brian:    Oh, no.  We can’t see the chat.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Well, hold on.  Let me play the—

Brian:    Oh, and I saw the Old Spice muscle—

Oxhorn:               Oh, the one that I sent you?

Brian:    Yeah, that was great.

Oxhorn:               That was pretty great.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               I thought you would like that.  [laughs]

Brian:    Internet.  We on the internet.

Oxhorn:               We on the internet.  I’m going to make music with my abs.

Brian:    I love that black guy, man.

Oxhorn:               He is so funny, isn’t he?

Brian:    He’s awesome.

Oxhorn:               It’s pretty great.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Well, sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I’m having a really hard time getting—

Brian:    You can’t show it?

Oxhorn:               I just tried to, but there’s no audio.  Here, let’s—tell me if you hear anything.

Brian:    I don’t hear anything.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.  So, I mean, we were listening to music just a moment ago and you can’t actually hear anything on this movie.

Brian:    No, I can’t.

Oxhorn:               Which, I don’t understand.  [pause]  Yeah.  So, I can’t play the video, sadly, right now.  I guess I’ll have to play it another time.  But it’s at both Oxhorn.com and GrowABeardNow.com.  You can watch it.  You’ll have a good time.  I promise you won’t regret it.  Are you—

Brian:    And watch the outtakes because my girlfriend’s son is on them.

Oxhorn:               That’s true.  His girlfriend’s son is on them and he is adorable in the outtakes.  AdulfHitla says in the Twitch chat, “Are you Abraham Lincoln?”

Brian:    Twitch chat?

Oxhorn:               Yes, the Twitch chat.  The guy that just told me to go kill myself.

Brian:    Was that the same guy?

Oxhorn:               I think so, yeah.  He asked me if I’m Abraham Lincoln.

Brian:    Well, his name is AdulfHitla.

Oxhorn:               But the thing that doesn’t make sense is he’s asking me if I’m Abraham Lincoln and then asking me to kill myself, but Abraham Lincoln didn’t kill himself.  He was, instead, killed.

Brian:    No, he was killed.

Oxhorn:               That’s right.

Brian:    And he spelled Adolf wrong.

Oxhorn:               He did.  He was incorrect in the—I’m sorry, friend.  You have a lot of things wrong right now, especially with your life.  Again, Abraham Lincoln did not kill himself.  He was killed.  You need to learn history.  It’s one of those important things.  Learn history and then come back.  Yes, yes.  Then come back and then we can have a conversation about history.  Anyway, OneShotMacrolo says, “No lag.”  So he’s having a completely good—

Brian:    Yes, man.  You did spell—Adolf is A-D-O-L-F, not Adulf.  Yeah, see?  There you go.  Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Right.  So he’s learning spelling from you today.

Brian:    Very slowly, you’re learning.

Oxhorn:               It’s hard.  I understand.  You know, looking at text on a screen and learning from it is difficult, but I’m sure with a few years of help, you will learn.  And that’s OK.  That’s why you’re here.  Anyway, we’ve got another chat going on here that isn’t asinine.  And we have some fantastic people chatting.  What are they saying today?  AmbranuGnomepunter says, “It’s the mother-bloiting gnomes.  Punt them all to Outland.”  That is a sage remark, I must say.  A very sage remark.  “Dear Oxhorn,” says ElToroGuaco on Twitter, “this might be my last time watching for a while, so make this show count and hope there’s no hard feelings.”  My friend, of course there’s no hard feelings.  We do understand that life comes up.  However, I’d hate to see you go.  If for some reason you could find a way to put school aside or the girlfriend aside or something like that and continue to watch this program, that would be beneficial to us all.  Just saying.  Oh, this one—Nethelahholyhammer is asking you a question.

Brian:    Does this one not have a moderator? [laughs]

Oxhorn:               It does.  The moderator is me.  Hold on.

Brian:    Oh, is that right?

Oxhorn:               All right.  So is this the guy I’m going to ban?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               All right, banning you.  Bye, Adulf.  [laughter]  Deleted.  [laughter]  I’m confused.  Cute little Hrdcord kitten, [laughter] you spelled your name wrong.  [laughs]

Brian:    She knows that.  She said that.

Oxhorn:               I’m a cute little Hrdcord kitten.

Brian:    Or he.  I don’t even know if it’s a he or a she.

Oxhorn:               I think it’s a he.

Brian:    OK, it’s a he.

Oxhorn:               You’re confused, though, because he calls himself a cute kitten.  Well, I don’t know.

Brian:    But he’s hardcore.

Oxhorn:               He’s a hardcore, so that’s—

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Anyway, Nethelahholyhammer says, “Ox, Bean, can you make this show amazing?  I’ve been feeling horrible since last Wednesday.  Horrible chest and stomach pains.  I want to make me feel better.”

Brian:    Nethelahholyhammer.

Oxhorn:               Yes, this show will be amazing.  I don’t understand why you even have to ask because every show is amazing, thank you.  Especially shows where my brother, Brian, comes all the way from the south, the far south.

Brian:    From the far south?  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               He lives in the far south.

Brian:    You make it sound like I live—

Oxhorn:               He sets aside his straw hat.

Brian:    Hey, y’all.  I’mma from Kentucky.

Oxhorn:               What’s wrong with people from Kentucky?

Brian:    Did I say anything was wrong with it?

Oxhorn:               OK.  Well, you just had this sort of innotation[SP].

Brian:    My God.  God.  Talk about sensitive.  Geez.

Oxhorn:               I’m just saying there happens to be people here who married beautiful women from Kentucky.

Brian:    Get all defensive on me.

Oxhorn:               [grumbling]

Brian:    [grumbling]

Oxhorn:               Yes.  To answer your question, the show is going to be fantastic because it always is.  But we hope you feel better anyway, Nethelahholyhammer.  Stomach pains are no good.  Have a little bit of Tylenol.  If you’re over 21, drink a little scotch and then bacon.  Those things combined [laughter] cure all ailments.  They really do.

Brian:    Yeah.  And how about beard pills?

Oxhorn:               Beard pills?

Brian:    If you’re a man?  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               If you’re a man, have some beard pills.  They might help out.  If you’re a woman, try not to.

Brian:    It’s so hot in here.

Oxhorn:               But it’s not as hot as it was last time.

Brian:    No, not as hot as it was.

Oxhorn:               ColinMason1 says, “Oxhorn, I am now on my way to growing a beard.”  Fantastic.  I am so glad you are.  I felt that this sort of advocacy was lacking in the modern political sphere, so I have decided to be a beard advocate.  [laughter]  I am now advocating for beards, hoping everyone will grow one.

Brian:    Wait.  So why are we on to questions so early?  We don’t have any fan art?

Oxhorn:               We don’t, actually.

Brian:    Oh, OK.

Oxhorn:               We don’t have any fan art today.  But we do have other segments of the program.  So last week, I performed—what was it?  What was the song that I performed?  Anyway, I told everyone that we would perform “Telephone” by Lady Gaga today.  Are you familiar with this bit of pop culture?

Brian:    Is this a new song?

Oxhorn:               No.  It’s been out a couple years.

Brian:    I don’t remember it.

Oxhorn:               It’s like, “T-t-t-telephone.  My t-t-telephone.”  And then it’s got some sort of autotune thing in there.

Brian:    I have never heard that.

Oxhorn:               Never heard the telephone song?

Brian:    No.

Oxhorn:               What about the Umbrella?

Brian:    I know the P-p-p-poker face.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.  There’s Poker Face and then there’s Umbrella.

Brian:    Umbrella wasn’t Lady Gaga.  That was the black girl.

Oxhorn:               True.  Well, there are many black girls.

Brian:    Well, the one that sings that song.

Oxhorn:               There are many black girls that sings songs.

Brian:    Well, Rhianna.

Oxhorn:               Rhianna.

Brian:    There you go.  Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Rhianna.  OK.  In addition to the black girl, Rhianna, who signs these songs, there is a lyrical quality of all of them.  I mean, you’re talking about telephones, an inanimate object that you repeat.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Then you’re talking about poker faces and umbrellas.

Brian:    Right.

Oxhorn:               I don’t understand why they all connect, but they do.  Umbrella-ella-ella.  Here’s by beard growth serum.

Brian:    Right.

Oxhorn:               It’s all the way from Thailand.  Then here’s the beard growth pills.

Brian:    It’s got to be good then.

Oxhorn:               No, it is.  I even explained it.  So one of the things that—

Brian:    They have some pretty hairy men in Thailand.

Oxhorn:               They sure do.  They sure do.  But one of the things about this beard growth serum is that they say it’s made from natural herbs, Thai herbs, and protein.  Now, they didn’t actually specify what kind of protein was used in the formula, and this caused me to raise my eyebrow.  I mean, there are innumerable proteins out there, very few of which I would actually choose to rub on my chin.  Can you think of any proteins you would like to rub on your chin?

Brian:    None whatsoever.

Oxhorn:               None?  I can think of only one, and that’s steak covered in barbeque sauce.  That is a protein I would not mind rubbing on my chin while I’m in the course of eating it, of course.

Brian:    Okay.

Oxhorn:               But this beard serum comes with some sort of built-in protein compound and I don’t understand.  So it’s a little sketchy.  People are free to buy it from GrowABeardNow.com if they wish.  But buyer beware, dude.  Buyer beware.  UberROFLMAO says, “Check Facebook.  I sent you some fan art.”  ElToroGuaco says, “I sent art to you two weeks ago.  Did you not receive it?”  ElToroGuaco, I didn’t receive it.  I checked my email today before I started the show and I didn’t see it.  UberROFLMAO, it’s always best to send me the fan art over the email because then I’m going to be able to show it off on this show.

Brian:    Electronic mail.

Oxhorn:               Electr—is that Strong Bad?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               [laughs] You did a great Strong Bad impression.  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to find your fan art, but I’ll try.  Did you send it to my page or to my personal account?

Brian:    You have a page?

Oxhorn:               Yes.

Brian:    [Inaudible].

Oxhorn:               Yes, and he is waiting to bring be bacon.  [laughter]  We are brothers.

Brian:    I don’t know why I thought that was so funny.

Oxhorn:               We are brothers, by the way.  [laughs]  UberROFLMAO says he did send it over email. OK.  All right.  I’m getting all sorts of claims that fan art has been sent to me. So I am going to check my email right now and hope that I see some fan art there.  This is the goal.  Man, my computer is lagging.  Wow.

Brian:    What’s wrong with it?

Oxhorn:               I think I have a hundred tabs open in Chrome.

Brian:    Well, maybe you should close them.

Oxhorn:               That might have something to do with it.  Just as long as it’s not lagging.

Brian:    It’s just one click away.

Oxhorn:               No, it’s not.  It’s multiple clicks.  There are a hundred tabs.

Brian:    There’s a way to do it all at the same time.  Close all tabs.

Oxhorn:               Yes, but then I would lose the chat.

Brian:    Close all tabs but that one.  [laughter]

Oxhorn:               But that would take multiple clicks.  All right.  Someone asking me beard advice.  Oh, I’ve got to read you this email, by the way.  So this is an email I got from a very awesome fan.  I won’t out this man, but he saw my beard video and he wanted some advice.  “Dear Oxhorn, I love the new Grow a Beard site.  I looked for some good beard-growing advice sites and there are very few and far between.”  Hence why I made this site.  [laughter]  “Anyway, I wanted to ask you for some advice for growing an Obi-Wan Episode 3 goatee.”  It’s very specific, mind you.  He’s looking for a very specific kind of goatee.

Brian:    [laughs]  Episode 3.

Oxhorn:               Then he sends me a link to the actual image of the goatee.  Not Episode 1 or 2.  Episode 3.  “I have curly brown hair.”  Now, OK, he’s done already because Obi-Wan had a gray beard, right?  A grey goatee?  But anyway, he says, “I have curly, brown hair with a reddish brown beard.  I try to keep the beard as trimmed as possible—well, my fiancé helps—so it doesn’t curl everywhere.  And I have random whiskers going off in crazy directions.  To prevent this, I have been using a little bit of styling gel to give some order to my goatee.  My fiancé, Ann, points out that my face is not angled like Ewan, rather more—“

Brian:    You-wen.

Oxhorn:               Ewan?

Brian:    You-wen.

Oxhorn:               Ewan?

Brian:    You-wen McGregor.

Oxhorn:               No, it’s not You-wen McGregor.  It’s sir Ewan.  It’s the guy who did Obi-Wan—oh, that—oh, we’re talking about that one.

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               Oh.  Episode 3 of the new—

Brian:    Episode 3 of the new.  Episode 3.  Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi.  You’re my only hope.

Oxhorn:               You’re right.  Right.  All right.  I’m confused.  I’m not as big of a Star Wars fan as I thought I was, OK?  Anyway, Ewan McGregor, his face is rather rounded.  No, “his face is angled and my face is rounded.  Just wanted to know if you had any particular advice for me.”  I will be sure to give this guy a rather detailed email, just so that I am sure to answer his question.  But my advice would be if his chin is more angular than yours and yours is too rounded, then what you need to do is get some Bondo, which is used to fix patches in cars, and start to affix it to your chin so that you can mold it into a little bit of a point, right?  And then here comes the important part.  This is the magic, as I have always said.  Rub a little scotch on it.  Rub a little scotch on it.  It will absorb into your chin.  It will absorb the natural follicle characteristics of your person, and you will start to grow a pointed goatee.  Just a little Bondo, you’ll be set.  All right, well my brother is now going to entertain you with something.  [pause]  Nice.  He’s dancing for you guys.  [pause]  Or you could answer a question.

Brian:    Oh.  [laughter]  I don’t see any questions.  Give me a question.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Ghoulbreath says, “How is Sasha?  She should come back.”

Brian:    Oh, who—someone said that?

Oxhorn:               Ghoulbreath.

Brian:    Oh, she’s doing very well.  She’s been working a lot.  I think she just got off work not too long ago.

Oxhorn:               She should come co-host the show again.

Brian:    She should.

Oxhorn:               They would love to see her.

Brian:    They would.

Oxhorn:               Yes.

Brian:    One of these days, we might just do that.

Oxhorn:               Did she smoke a cigar last time she was here?

Brian:    Yes, she did.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Well, we will have to get a plethora of cigars stocked up for her performance.

Brian:    Yes, we will.

Oxhorn:               Nethelahholyhammer asks, “Oxhorn, what-if question.  I were to pay you $60,000 to come down to where I live and you and I to sing one of your songs together to have me win my school talent show.  Would you accept my offer?”  For $60,000, oh yes.  Yes, I would.  If it were any less than $60,000, I’m afraid I’d have to say no.  You happened to find the exact number that I would travel someplace to help you sing in a talent show competition for.  $60,000.  That’s the number.

Brian:    It is.  Bistro, you’re asking how I’ve been.  I’ve been doing very well.  It’s summertime.  I’ve been taking it easy.  Working a lot at the coffee stand.  Did a lot of shifts last week because our manager was in Hawaii.

Oxhorn:               Hawaii of all places.

Brian:    Then I’ve just been kind of coming in when they need me.  Like today, I came in for an hour.

Oxhorn:               Oh, just one hour?

Brian:    Just one hour.

Oxhorn:               Really?  That’s all they needed you for, one hour?

Brian:    Yeah, one hour.

Oxhorn:               How’d you do on tips?

Brian:    $11.

Oxhorn:               $11 in one hour?

Brian:    In one hour.

Oxhorn:               Wow, that’s not bad.

Brian:    That’s right.

Oxhorn:               They just like you there.

Brian:    They do.  And I made two really huge espresso white chocolate caramel milkshakes.  Two 32-ounce, five shots of coffee white chocolate and caramel, extra caramel milkshakes.

Oxhorn:               Wow.

Brian:    Yes.  They were really good.

Oxhorn:               That’s impressive.

Brian:    I cried some.  They cost $16 for both of them.

Oxhorn:               Wow.  Really?

Brian:    These were eight dollar milkshakes.

Oxhorn:               Wow.  And they tipped you well?

Brian:    Almost two dollars.  It’s all right.

Oxhorn:               My goodness.   That’s pretty good.  This guy makes fantastic milkshakes, by the way.

Brian:    Oh, they’re awesome.

Oxhorn:               See?  He’s not even humble about it.  He makes really good shakes.

Brian:    They are so good.  So good.

Oxhorn:               [laughs]  I love his shakes.  My wife is actually hooked on his shakes.  She loves your shakes.

Brian:    They’re really good.

Oxhorn:               ElToroGuaco asks, “Your email is [email protected].  Am I right?   Well, if so, I’ll send the art right now.”  Yes, go ahead and send the art right now.  I’ll check my email before the show is over.  When you send mail to [email protected], the way that the servers are set up, it takes 15 minutes for me to get it in my inbox.  But once I get it, I mean, the show is going to be much longer than 15 minutes from now.  I’ll be sure to show it off, OK?  ForsakenRules asks, “Oxhorn, why do you hate hippie elves?  My brother and I would like to know.”  A lot of people have thought that I hate hippie elves because of some trauma that I sustained as a child.  My brother has known me almost all my life, so maybe he can answer this question.  Why do I hate hippie elves?

Brian:    You do hate them.

Oxhorn:               I do, yes.  I hate hippie elves.

Brian:    With a passion.

Oxhorn:               Yes.  But he’s asking why.

Brian:    OK.  Do you hate hippies?

Oxhorn:               Yes, I hate hippies as well.

Brian:    Do you hate elves?

Oxhorn:               Yes, I hate elves.

Brian:    That’s why he hates hippie elves.  Because he hates hippies and because he hates elves.  He would, therefore, hate hippie elves.

Oxhorn:               That’s a really good question.  Now let’s expand upon this, again.   Good answer, by the way.  Why do I hate hippies?  And on a separate but related note, why do I hate elves?

Brian:    Well, hippies—we’ll just address the first one.

Oxhorn:               OK.

Brian:    Hippies, you know, they eat hummus and other stuff like that.

Oxhorn:               They frolic, OK?

Brian:    They frolic.  OK.

Oxhorn:               I hate hippies because they frolic.  Hummus?  That’s aside.  I mean, I hate hummus, but any creature that wants to call itself human, and yet it goes into the woods and frolics without getting a job and smelling like cabbage, is something that I’m not particularly fond of.  So hippies, because they frolic.

Brian:    They frolic.

Oxhorn:               Yes.

Brian:    OK.  Now what about the elf part?

Oxhorn:               He’s asking the question.  That why you’ve got to answer it.

Brian:    Who does?

Oxhorn:               It was the thing that went up, with the sign and the text.

Brian:    No, no, no.  See, we answered the hippie part, but why do you hate elves?

Oxhorn:               I’ve made an entire movie about this.

Brian:    Did you?

Oxhorn:               Called “The Anti-Elf Anthem.”

Brian:    Oh, OK.

Oxhorn:               What did I say in that movie?

Brian:    Apply directly to a hippie.

Oxhorn:               [laughs]  No, that’s Elf-On.

Brian:    Oh.

Oxhorn:               I hate elves because—

Brian:    Keep a distance of a good ten feet.

Oxhorn:               Yes.

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               That’s my advice to somebody, to stay away from elves.  But the reason I hate them is because they look like women and smell like hell.

Brian:    They do.

Oxhorn:               They smell like lavender and rosebuds.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               And no manly dude should smell like lavender and rosebuds.

Brian:    I don’t know.  I have some lavender body wash.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               Brian, this is not something that you admit on a live streaming TV show.

Brian:    Hey.  [laughs]  No, I’m out of body wash.  So I take a shower, girlfriend has some lavender body wash.

Oxhorn:               Oh.

Brian:    What am I going to do?  Not take a shower?

Oxhorn:               Yes.  You’d not take and shower and you smell like a man.  You won’t smell like lavender.  Sorry, there’s nothing worse.

Brian:    I’m joking.  This never happened.  I’m just saying if it would happen—

Oxhorn:               OK.  For the sake of argument?

Brian:    I probably would.  I’m just saying.

Oxhorn:               All right.  If this ever happens—

Brian:    I’m just saying if I was out of body wash and there was some lavender body wash there, I’d probably use it.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Well, look, it just—for future reference, everybody, if you are in the shower and you run out of body wash, and all that’s left is your wife’s body wash and it smells like lavender, this is what you do.  You go to the garage, you open the hood to your car—

Brian:    You bring some WD-40 in.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               How did you guess?

Brian:    WD-40’s and motor oil into the lavender body wash and that will nullify the effects of the lavender.

Oxhorn:               Shake it up and you’re set.

Brian:    Then you are safe to rub it all over your body and into your pores.

Oxhorn:               WD-40, everybody.  [laughter]  It’s the answer.  And hold on, my—there we go.  Stop.  Thank you.  All right.  By the way, I [distorted audio] my email, and I don’t have anything yet.  OK, so I’m sure it’ll be back in just a second.  ChaoticEnigma says, “Don’t feel bad, Ox, I have never seen the Star Wars movies.”  All right. I don’t feel bad, but I have seen the Star Wars movies, it’s just been a very long time and I’m not a Trekkie.  No, that’s not the right—Star Wars fan boy.  Trekkie is for Star Trek.  What’s it called for Star Wars?  You’re not a Trekkie.  You’re a—

Brian:    You are a padawan.

Oxhorn:               A padawan?

Brian:    [laughs]  I don’t know.  I don’t think there’s an actual term for Star Wars aficionados.

Oxhorn:               OK.  Thelanus says, “Oxhorn, this show has become very offensive to me.”  All right, I know WD-40 is a sensitive topic and mixing it in with your lavender body wash is pretty radical.  But I do not apologize here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.

Brian:    OK.  So, Sayuwonga says, “Ox and Bean, how about you both have, or bo have, a man off contest to see who can smell the manliest by the end of the week?”  I could tell you right now that Ox would beat me, hands down.

Oxhorn:               Whoa.  Whoa.  What are you trying to insinuate with this?

Brian:    I’m just saying.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               Here.  Take off your glasses.  The glare from the TV is shining—

Brian:    Well, then I can’t see the comments.

Oxhorn:               You can’t see anything without them on?

Brian:    Nope.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Put them back on.

Brian:    I can’t see anything.

Oxhorn:               Thelanus says, “I’m an elf.”  That’s why you were offended?  OK, well, again no apologies.  I hate elves.  What can I say?  [laughter]  Cheers, everybody.  Chin, chin.  Bottoms up.  [pause]

Brian:    I will leave them off until I need to read something.

Oxhorn:               Someone’s talking to you in the chat.

Brian:    Oh, crap.

Oxhorn:               [laughs]  I kid.  No one’s talking to you in the chat.

Brian:    Oh, my god.  You suck.

Oxhorn:               [laughs]   Greg Hartung says, “Will you be on the beta later tonight to keep the Twitch TV staff at bay?”  So far, the Twitch TV staff have not bothered by.  But people are spamming in my Twitch TV chat, so I’m going to ban this person forever.  Banned.  Oh.  Hoxor says, “Do you think the girls should do a cooking web show?”  What, my wife and his lady?  Do you think they should do a cooking web show?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               I think that would be pretty awesome.

Brian:    They are both very good cooks.

Oxhorn:               They are.  The beautiful Nova Domina is in the other room right now fixing up a fantastic dinner for the two of us.  And your lovely lady as cooked us all a beautiful dinner in the past.

Brian:    Mm-hmm.

Oxhorn:               I think they’d be really good on the whole internet machine.  Just saying.  [pause]  ThisIsOdd says, “I’m a Tauren and I’m a hippie.”  How is that even possible?   I just don’t understand it.  You’re a minotaur.  Minotaurs cannot be hippies.  They are vicious, full of blood.  Technically, we’re all filled with blood, I suppose.

Brian:    Blood.    Oh, I’m so hot.

Oxhorn:               You’re doing all right.  [Inaudible] says, “Well, I’m hungry again.”  That tends to happen when you watch Scotch and Smoke Rings.  We talk about bacon, we talk about scotch, and we smoke gentlemanly stogies.  The end of the show, we’re all hungry.

Brian:    Yes, we do.

Oxhorn:               How are you doing over there?  You sweating bullets?

Brian:    I’m sweating a little bit, yeah.

Oxhorn:               Here.

Brian:    But, yeah.  No, everything’s been doing good over here.  Every day, I go over to mom’s and plug away on the computer.

Oxhorn:               Do you?

Brian:    For the paperwork and stuff.

Oxhorn:               Oh, yeah?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               How’s that going?

Brian:    Pretty good.

Oxhorn:               Yeah?

Brian:    Yeah, we’re getting there.

Oxhorn:               Nice.

Brian:    We’re making progress.

Oxhorn:               How much longer do you think it’ll take?

Brian:    Hm, I don’t know.  A couple more months if we’re faithful.

Oxhorn:               A couple more months?

Brian:    Yep.

Oxhorn:               And you should be current?

Brian:    Well, school starts for me in three weeks, so we’re going to get a lot done up until then.

Oxhorn:               OK.

Brian:    But when it starts, then it’s going to hamper a little bit.

Oxhorn:               OK.  Well, I still have faith in you.  You guys have done a really good job to date.

Brian:    That’s right.

Oxhorn:               Ghoulbreath says, “Hey, Ox, I finally got my glasses replaced.  Guess me and Bean can’t see without them.”  Yeah, that’s true.  I mean, I wouldn’t be able to see without mine, but I had that laser surgery a few years ago, now, I guess.  But, yeah, my eyesight was worse than Brian’s for a very long time.  And now I can actually read the screen without my glasses on, which is nice.  [pause]  ThisIsOdd says, “Ox, I rerolled Tauren because of this show.”  Fantastic.  That is exactly what I like to see.  Somebody rerolling Tauren.  There’s just no need to play any other race.  Am I right?

Brian:    That’s right.

Oxhorn:               Yeah?  Which is why all of his characters are Tauren.  Am I right?

Brian:    I don’t have a single Tauren.  [laugh]

Oxhorn:               No.  You don’t have any, single Taurens?  Ah.  I can’t even rub off on my own brother.

Brian:    In fact, I’m race changing to a panda.

Oxhorn:               Oh, no.  You did not just say that.

Brian:    I think I already told you.

Oxhorn:               No?

Brian:    Beanstalk is becoming a panda.

Oxhorn:               [pause]  Why are you saying this?  Why would you come onto this show and say that to this audience?

Brian:    I have a very logical reason.

Oxhorn:               OK, what is it?

Brian:    It is solely for their new racial buffs.

Oxhorn:               Like that’s a reason.

Brian:    It is.

Oxhorn:               OK, so they’ll do better in PvP.  Whatever.

Brian:    No, not PvP.  In raiding.

Oxhorn:               OK, what’s the racial buff that you are rerolling a panda to get?

Brian:    They get a well-fed racial buff that doubles your well-fed buff from food buffs.

Oxhorn:               That?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               Why would you want that?

Brian:    Well, instead of 90 intellect and 90 stamina, I would get 180 intellect and 180 stamina.

Oxhorn:               Yeah, only if you have eaten food recently.

Brian:    Which you do, before every boss encounter.

Oxhorn:               You do?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               I’ve never done it.

Brian:    It’s, like, mandatory.

Oxhorn:               Really?

Brian:    That’s because you’re a bad raider.

Oxhorn:               What are you talking about?  [laughter]  I invented raiding, all right?  Before me, there was no such thing as raiding.  Just saying.  You remember Staghorn in Dark Age of Camelot, all those raids I did.

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               I was the king of raids.

Brian:    OK, so that’s the reason why I’m doing it.  But on the other hand, Beanstalk sounds like a decent panda name, you know?  It kind of fits.  They eat bamboo stalks, you know.

Oxhorn:               Which don’t grow beans.

Brian:    Which don’t grow beans.  Right.  [laughter]  But—

Oxhorn:               But?

Brian:    Pandas eat.  The whole premise of this new panda thing is that they like to eat.  That’s why they give the new well-fed buff, you know.

Oxhorn:               Oh.

Brian:    It just kind of fits, kind of, so I don’t feel that bad.

Oxhorn:               OK.  He doesn’t feel bad.  Whatever he’s embracing, OK—

Brian:    Plus, I saw the new opening cinematic and that panda was pretty bad-chak.  What’s the word?

Oxhorn:               OK—he was bloiting awesome?

Brian:    He was bloiting awesome.

Oxhorn:               Bad-chakin’ self.  I have to admit that the cinematic was pretty great.  We showed it here on the program and it was pretty amazing.  So, great cinematic.  Bad pandas.  [laughter]  Hoxter says, “So will your new name be cute little hardcore panda?”

Brian:    No.

Oxhorn:               No.  [laughs]  No little cute little hardcore panda?  [pause]  Ew.  I’m not even going to repeat that because it is gross, but UberROFLMAO had a thought.  [pause]  All right.  Thelanus says, “Did your laser eye surgery hurt?”  And the answer is no.  You don’t actually have any nerve endings in your eyeball.  OK.  Should I tell them exactly how the surgery went or will that gross them all out?

Brian:    Oh—

Oxhorn:               Anyway, they shoot lasers into your eye.  They slice open things, they cut out things, they scoop things out.  Whatever.  And it doesn’t hurt.  Not at all.  They don’t even give you any sort of laxative or—no, not laxative, but—whatever—numbing, pain-numbing thing.  You sit there fully awake with your eyes clamped open like Clockwork Orange, and they slice open your eyeballs.

Brian:    Sounds amazing.

Oxhorn:               Mm-hmm.  [pause]  Cute little HARDCORE kitten says, “I’m the only cute little HARDCORE person on this show.  And that way to me already.”  Yeah, nicely done.  [laughs]  Nethelahholyhammer says, “Oxhorn, you say that pandas are cute and fuzzy, but the truth is that they’re still bears and can be as dangerous as any other bear.  Don’t underestimate them.”  True, that makes a lot of sense.  However, in popular culture, pandas are very rarely tattooed onto biker forearms.  Instead, panda hats tend to be worn by 13-year-old Japanese boys and girls.  So I have a hard time seeing pandas as being boss.  [pause]

Brian:    They don’t eat meat, right?

Oxhorn:               That’s right, they don’t eat meat.

Brian:    They eat bamboo.

Oxhorn:               They’re bamboo eaters.

Brian:    So they’re not going to really go after you, you know, to rip your head off because they’re hungry and they want to eat your guts, you know?

Oxhorn:               Right.  That’s a really good point.  They don’t do that, do they?

Brian:    I don’t think so.

Oxhorn:               No.  Only if you’re walking on their bamboo fields will they attack you because they like bamboo.

Brian:    They’re a peaceful bunch.

Oxhorn:               A peaceful bunch of pandas?

Brian:    Just like in the cinematic.  He did not get involved until they were on his land, fighting each other, OK?

Oxhorn:               That’s true.  Although, I think I am going to have to take exception to that cinematic on a certain point.  Because wasn’t it the orc that attacked the human?  Here they are, again, long after the whole bloodlust thing was cured, making the orcs appear to be the bloodlust ones.  I don’t understand this.  They’re peaceful, shamanic creatures, right?

Brian:    But not that one, evidently.

Oxhorn:               Yeah, not that one.  [pause]  Nethelahholyhammer says, “I especially hate bears because one time when I went camping, a bear was chasing me into a tent.”  Well, why did the bear stop at the tent?  I mean, bears can, theoretically, rip right through canvas, right?  I don’t know.  Ghoulbreath says, “The human was being aggressive, holding a pointed stick and all.”  Really?

Brian:    He was holding a pointed stick.

Oxhorn:               Was he?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               OK.  So maybe it was the human who started it all.  “You know,” says ElToroGuaco, “Pandas cannot digest bamboo, which is why they’re about to get extinct.  As they’re forced to eat something they cannot possess because there’s nothing else to take their current habitat.”  If that’s true, how do they—I mean, if you can’t digest bamboo, you can’t get any nutrients from it, right?  So how do they still exist?  All right, I don’t understand all that.  [pause]

Brian:    I’m hot.

Oxhorn:               It’s OK.  Power through it.  We’re both hot. All right.  Cheers, everybody.  Bottoms up.  Lift your glasses up.  We’re going to take a gentlemanly sip.  [pause]

Brian:    The rum is gone.

Oxhorn:               The rum is gone away.

Brian:    It’s gone.  I’ll drink tea.

Oxhorn:               Tea is good.  Ghoulbreath says, “We were told while sleeping in New York that if a bear got into our cabin, to pretend to be asleep, especially if it tickled you.  Not lying.”  Well, that makes sense because you don’t want to startle the bear.  The bear will attack if it feels startled.  If it comes up and starts licking your toes, it’s definitely not trying to eat you.

Brian:    Check email.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Checking my email.  All right, my brother is a witness.  Do you see anything in my email as soon as it loads?  As soon as it loads?  As soon—no.  And no.  All right, I’m going to check my spam folder.

Brian:    Wait. Wait. Wait.  The address he asked you for was Brandon@gmail.

Oxhorn:               Yes.

Brian:    This is Staghorn.

Oxhorn:               I understand.  However, all of my email addresses direct to this one account.

Brian:    Oh, is that right?  Oh.

Oxhorn:               Which is why I told him that it takes 15 minutes for me to get mail from that one address because it directs to this account.

Brian:    Oh.

Oxhorn:               I am going to check my spam folder just to make sure that I didn’t get any spam.

Brian:    Spam.  Spam.  Spam.

Oxhorn:               UberROFLMAO.

Brian:    Maybe that’s why you haven’t been getting some people’s fan art.

Oxhorn:               Wow.  It’s in my spam folder.  What the heck?  OK, I got UberROFLMAO’s.  Let me check if there are any others.  This will explain why I haven’t been getting fan art for a while.  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  I’m just going to go through my spam folder real quick.  Ubranu.  No, that’s not fan art.  I still don’t see yours, but I did see UberROFLMAO’s.  Wow.  Why are these all going to my spam folder?  This bothers me.  Here’s another one by Juggles Hatchet.  Man, I feel really bad.  All of these people sent in fan art and I didn’t show it off.  That bothers me.  All right, I still don’t see yours, ElToroGuaco.  However, I do see some and I’m going to try and get them up so that I can show them off today.  OK.  That’s nice.  And this one is still loading, so I’ll show these off once they finish both loading.  Apparently, the Contact Me form is sending stuff directly to my spam folder, which is a bummer.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               If you want to send me email, try sending it directly at [email protected].  Apparently.

Brian:    Don’t you mean Staghorn?

Oxhorn:               No.  [email protected].

Brian:    Oh.  [pause]

Oxhorn:               Bistro says, “Juggles Hatchet is me.”  Great.  Well, I’ve got your fan art.  It’s loading right now.  “Have you watched Man versus Food?” asks Greg Hartung.  “If not, there’s a pretty sweet burger joint in Seattle suitable for proud carnivores like yourself.”  I would love to know the name of this burger joint because Jodi and I, we love burger joints.  Now, I don’t know if you saw the whole Five Guys Burgers and Fries thing, that went on the internet.  Did you see the Five Guys Burgers and Fries video?

Brian:    No.

Oxhorn:               It’s great.  It’s by the same guys who did the Double Rainbow all the way.

Brian:    OK.

Oxhorn:               They released a video from another guy who did a review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries and they made a really cool song.  So we went to that restaurant, and apparently there’s a Five Guys here in Seattle.  They have amazing burgers.

Brian:    Ooh.

Oxhorn:               I’m not even being paid to say this.  I should be.  But they had amazing burgers and fries.  So if you want to go to Five Guys, that’s a great one.  But I’d love to hear the one that you came up with because I love burgers and fries.  [pause]

Brian:    Man versus Food, that should be my job.  [laughter]  I would love his job.

Oxhorn:               Isn’t it great?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               All right.  I’ve got some fan art to show and I’m going to do so now.  Give me just a sec, ladies and gentlemen.  All right.  This one was submitted by Bistro.  To Oxhorn, from Bistro.  Re-[inaudible] grow a beard.  Nicely done.  Check out that awesome beard.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               He’s got a long goatee right here.  Smoking a gentlemanly pipe and wearing that awesome fedora.  Look at this gent, ladies and gentlemen.  This is a gent you want to emulate, except for the earring, but that’s just my personal preference.  [laughter]  And this one was—who was this submitted by?

Brian:    ROFL—

Oxhorn:               Oh, this is UberROFLMAO.  Yeah.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Yeah, and it’s a Hat Obama poster, right?  They Obamafied Hat.  [laughter]  I would vote for this guy.  He’s got the sort of lyricism that I would follow to the ends of the earth.  So thank you for those two pieces of fan art, ladies and gentlemen.  Always love them.

Brian:    Now you have Bistro apologizing for the earring now.

Oxhorn:               [laughs]  It’s OK.  You don’t have to apologize for the earring.  That’s your own life choice, and apparently you made it wrong.  [laughter]  I mean, apparently you are free in this nation to make whatever choice you want.  I kid.  I kid.  I’m just giving you a hard time. Awesome beard, by the way.  And you had an awesome pipe, so you sir, are a good fit for this program.  [pause]  By the way, if you are on Facebook, I am looking at the comments here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Feel free to scroll down and post a comment in the comment form at the bottom.

Brian:    Ghoulbreath said, “So Ox, my glasses were literally stolen today.  My third day of high school.  Did you deal with that kind of stuff in your school?”

Oxhorn:               That was a question he posted last week.

Brian:    Oh, is that right?  Oh.

Oxhorn:               And I answered it.  But apparently, he just got his glasses back, which is good.

Brian:    OK.

Oxhorn:               But as I told him, no, I never had that happen to me in high school.   But it’s because I tended to beat people up in high school.

Brian:    No, you did not.

Oxhorn:               Totally did.  Don’t you remember when I was in 6th grade and that one kid, Michael Tesh—

Brian:    In 6th grade.

Oxhorn:               And Derek Goman.

Brian:    6th grade.

Oxhorn:               I was a tough guy.

Brian:    We went to a private, Christian school and we didn’t really have those problems.

Oxhorn:               Are you kidding?  We had pongs.  And we had—what were those rubber things where you put them in the mold and bake them and monsters would come out?

Brian:    I don’t remember.

Oxhorn:               That was in school.

Brian:    Yeah, we had crazy pog tournament, man.  It was pretty—

Oxhorn:               It was insane at our high school.

Brian:    Yeah, it was so crazy, man.

Oxhorn:               We actually did something crazy, remember?

Brian:    Uh—

Oxhorn:               Did we ever tell them about that?  We shouldn’t.  We shouldn’t because we don’t want to encourage people to do horrible, daring feats of epic heroism, right?

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.   All right, this one was submitted by ElToroGuaco.  I finally got it.  And take a look at it, if it loads.  There.  And I’m sorry, I don’t have it—let me see if I can zoom in.  There we go.

Brian:    So it’s the new pet system and he’s one of the pets?

Oxhorn:               Exactly.  We’ve got Hat or—no, it’s Speedy.  It’s a Speedy turtle named Hat.  He’s aquatic, and look at all of his stats.  Oh, man.  I have got to get the Speedy turtle now so that I can use him.  But you named him Hat.  That’s awesome.  Thank you for that.  I’m sorry the whole email thing isn’t working out, but I did get your mail over Twitter, so thank you for your fan art submission.  Wrandoran says, “Now you have to tell us the story.”  Ghoulbreath says, “Yes.” Thelanus says, “Yes, we are mature enough not to copy you.”  They’re wanting to hear this horrible story of our daring feats of heroism as children.  You can start.

Brian:    Oh, it’s nothing.   It’s basically—you must’ve been in 12th grade.  You were a senior and I was a junior in high school.  So the graduating class of the year before us, to leave a memory of them behind, they put this dummy—so there was a second floor, and there was a big window that looked onto the roof of the building.  And they decided they wanted to put a big, huge dummy—

Oxhorn:               It was a skylight in the roof, looking down.

Brian:    Yeah, sorry.  So there was a big dummy up there that said, “Class of 1999.”

Oxhorn:               1999.

Brian:    “Class of 1999 rules.  Everybody else sucks,” or something to that effect.  I don’t remember exactly what they put on there.

Oxhorn:               Right.

Brian:    But we’re like, screw those guys.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.  Those guys aren’t cool.

Brian:    They’re not even here anymore.  Why is this thing here?  This thing’s got to go.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.

Brian:    So school let out.  Me and my brother, we decided that we wanted to climb the tree next to the school, get on the roof, and tear down the dummy.

Oxhorn:               Which is exactly what we did.  We climbed this tree that was right next to the school, leapt like superheroes onto the roof of the establishment, and then I think we had a ladder to get up another tier.  And then you went up.

Brian:    Yeah.

Oxhorn:               He went up with the dummy that we created and put it on the skylight.  And the dummy said, “Class of 2000 is the best,” which is what I was.  I was the class of 2000.

Brian:    See, that’s where I think our stories differ.  I don’t ever remember putting a dummy ourselves on there.  I just remember removing the old one.

Oxhorn:               Really?

Brian:    Really.

Oxhorn:               I remember we made the dummy out of my old Taco Bell uniform.

Brian:    What?

Oxhorn:               Yeah.  I kept my old Taco Bell uniform and we stuffed it with old clothes and made a dummy out of it.  Or was this something I planned to do and we never actually did it?

Brian:    I don’t remember doing this.

Oxhorn:               We just removed the dummy?

Brian:    I think so.

Oxhorn:               I don’t recall.  It was something like that.  But we got in trouble for it.

Brian:    Yeah.  One of my fellow high school students nixed me out.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.

Brian:    This girl.  She was like, “Brian, what are you doing on the roof?”  [laughter]  And of course, that attracted all sorts of attention.

Oxhorn:               Look at the guy on the roof.

Brian:    Yeah.  And so it just went downhill from there.

Oxhorn:               Yeah. Eh.  It wasn’t good.  So that’s why we shouldn’t recommend it.  Daring dos and feats of heroism, no.  Not always good.  [pause]  Nethelahholyhammer says, “Speaking of Hat, when is he going to be back from his long vacation, Ox?”  You know, he is one of those world travelers who tends to be on permanent vacation.  Have you ever heard of those guys, they rent a van, they sell all of their earthly possessions, they get rid of their apartment or their house, and all they do is travel from place to place exploring the world?  That is the lifestyle that Hat has chosen for himself.  He is now a world traveler.  He has tried to taste and sample every cricket and earthworm from every inch of this fine planet.  And he used to send postcards regularly, but not as many anymore.  But the next time he does send a postcard, I will be sure to show it on this fine program.

Brian:    So Hat, could you say he’s made poor lifestyle choices, or are these good ones?

Oxhorn:               If you have the means by which to travel the world in a non-hippie way and bathe regularly, then it would be a fine life choice.  It’s something I would do myself if I had the means by which to do so.  But if you couldn’t bathe and you didn’t have a car and all your wealth is in a shopping cart and you lived under an overpass, then no.  No.  [pause]

Brian:    All right.  Let’s get some protein on that chin.

Oxhorn:               Oh, you’re hungry.  Yeah.  Gotcha.  Didn’t know what to think of that, at first.  We’ve got a few minutes left in the show.  All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for smoke ships.  What are your smoke ship ideas?  We will do our very best to blow into existence ships made from smoke that you direct.  What is on your mind?  We will do as much as we possibly can.

Brian:    Let’s get some ideas.

Oxhorn:               He’s getting hot.  He wants to go.

Brian:    Yeah.  That’s right.  This room sucks.  [laughter]  It really does.

Oxhorn:               It’ll be great in the winter.

Brian:    It’ll be better.

Oxhorn:               It’ll be really nice in winter.

Brian:    It’ll probably still be hot.

Oxhorn:               We’ll all be cold in this house, but we go into this office and we’ll be warm.  It’ll be nice.  Michael W says, “Ox and Bean fighting off evil hippie pandas with magical bacon light sabers while Gavin is riding a rainbow-pooping unicorn, and chasing bacon thieves across the galaxy.”  Wow, I think we found a winner right at the beginning.  [laughs]

Brian:    That one’s good.

Oxhorn:               That’s pretty great.

Brian:    Where’s Loraanicus?  Isn’t he—

Oxhorn:               Yeah, where’s Loraanicus?  He usually has good ones.

Brian:    He usually has really good ones.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               Ubranu says, “Lieutenant Colonel Virtue teaming up with the Panda Exterminator.”  They probably would make a very good team.  Greg Hartung says, “Oxhorn and Bean soaring the skies of America on 203 ton Five Guy burger in a non-hippie way.”  I like how he specified that it was 203 pounds, not 200 pounds.  “Oxhorn, Beanstalk and I celebrating my 21st birthday in less than two months with a glass of scotch and cigars while fighting off hordes of pandas,” says Bistro.

Brian:    Hey, well happy birthday.

Oxhorn:               In two months.

Brian:    And congratulations.

Oxhorn:               Just make sure that your 21st birthday is, of all things, classy.

Brian:    Well, that’s why the scotch.

Oxhorn:               Yeah, the scotch.

Brian:    He wants to drink scotch.

Oxhorn:               That would be classy.

Brian:    21st birthday.  You’ve got to do it.

Oxhorn:               Just not too much scotch.

Brian:    Right.  “Ox and Bean watching their wonderful wives and girlfriends while they cook glorious food such as panda pizzas with bacon, as Hat sings via Skype from his worm gourmet in Africa.”  [laughs]  I like that.

Oxhorn:  That’s a pretty good one.

Brian:    And Loraanicus has gone missing.  Where is he?

Oxhorn:               Ironbark says, “I think he was going to be busy with school.”  Yeah, school is starting up again and we’re going to be losing some members to it.

Brian:    All right, someone’s got to make a website, have you seen this person?

Oxhorn:               Missing: Loraanicus.  Have you seen him?

Brian:    Loraanicus.  [laughs]

Oxhorn:               Known for epic smoke ship ideas.  Thelanus,  “Ox, Stag, Bean, and Lieutenant Colonel Virtue striking the heart of hippie elves, Teldrassil, as pecan pies rain from the sky.”  Nice.  Nice.  All right—

Brian:    No, I like the one that includes our girlfriends.

Oxhorn:               Oh, is that the one you like?

Brian:    Your wife and my girlfriend.

Oxhorn:               Which one was that?

Brian:    Ghoulbreath.

Oxhorn:               Ghoulbreath.  Ox and Bean—

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               That’s the one you want?

Brian:    That’s the one I want.

Oxhorn:               All right.

Brian:    We have two minutes, though.

Oxhorn:               Since he is the guest, that is the one that we will do.  We’ve got two minutes?

Brian:    Yes.

Oxhorn:               Sweet.  We could drink more scotch.  Cheers.

Brian:    I’m out of scotch.  Well, I don’t want scotch.  I want rum.

Oxhorn:               We’re out of rum.  What do you mean you don’t want scotch?

Brian:    Well, OK.  I’ll take a—

Oxhorn:               All right, take a little dab of scotch.

Brian:    Just a dab.  Just a taste.

Oxhorn:               Just a taste of scotch.

Brian:    Yes.  Just a taste.

Oxhorn:               Just a dollop.  Just a dollop.  There we go.

Brian:    Do a dollop.

Oxhorn:               Speaking of which, we need to go to the Puyallup fair.

Brian:    We do?

Oxhorn:               Yeah, this weekend.  I was meaning to say—

Brian:    This weekend.

Oxhorn:               Yes.  The Puyallup fair is open this weekend.

Brian:    Wow.

Oxhorn:               Are you busy this weekend?

Brian:    Oh, geez.   I don’t know.

Oxhorn:               Well, let’s figure out because I want to go to the Puyallup fair.

Brian:    I know I’m broke as hell.

Oxhorn:               It does cost money, doesn’t it?

Brian:    It does.

Oxhorn:               Maybe we can find a Groupon rate or something.  I don’t know.

Brian:    Payday is Monday.

Oxhorn:               Is it Monday?

Brian:    Tuesday for me, actually.

Oxhorn:               Oh, it is?

Brian:    Monday for Sasha.  Tuesday for me.

Oxhorn:               OK.

Brian:    So, no moneys.

Oxhorn:               All right, well it is time for smoke ship time after we take a drink of scotch.  Scotch.  Cheers.

Brian:    Cheers.  [pause]

Oxhorn:               Thelanus says, “Why is the rum gone?”

Brian:    OK.  We’ll read Nethelahholyhammer’s.  Sorry.  “The Hippie Elf tries to hack into GrowABeard.com.  Zug Zug takes immediate action to use all his beard care products to send him back to his hippie [cross talk].”

Oxhorn:               Nice.  Very nice.  However, it’s GrowABeardNow.com.

Brian:    GrowABeardNow.com.

Oxhorn:               GrowABeardNow.com.

Brian:    Now.  Not later.

Oxhorn:               Anyway, read it.  It’s very nice, but—

Brian:    I did grow a little something for the show here.

Oxhorn:               You did.  You’ve got a little bit of stubble going on there.

Brian:    See?

Oxhorn:               It’s looking pretty good.

Brian:    It’s coming around.

Oxhorn:               Yeah.  How long do you think you’re going to keep that up?

Brian:    Oh, I’ll probably shave it off in a couple days.

Oxhorn:               Ah.  ForRest says, “Try it.  You’ll like it.”

Brian:    Is he referring to that?

Oxhorn:               Yeah, he’s referring to your beard.

Brian:    No he wasn’t.  I just said that.

Oxhorn:               [mumbling]  I’m sure he’s referring to your beard.

Brian:    OK.

Oxhorn:               All right.  Here we go.  Smoke ship time.

Brian:    Do you have it?  OK.

Oxhorn:               I do.  Is this it?

Brian:    Let’s go.  Let’s go.  Let’s go.  [pause]

Oxhorn:               Whoa.  Woo-wee.  I hope you didn’t blink because if you did, you missed it.  But for the briefest of moments, right before your eyes, was Ox and Bean watching their wonderful wives and girlfriends while they cook glorious foods such as panda pizza with bacon.

Brian:    With bacon.

Oxhorn:               As Hat sings via Skype from his worm gourmet in Africa.  Gourmet worms, everybody.  Mm, I’m hungry.

Brian:    Mm.

Oxhorn:               Nethelahholyhammer says, “GrowABeardNow.com.”  There we go.  Thank you very much.  All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you ever so much for coming to this episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  We hope you had a fantastic time.  Tune in next week, same Ox time, same Ox channel for even more epicness.   Are you going to be able to come next week?

Brian:    Thursday?

Oxhorn:               Thursday next week, maybe?

Brian:    I have no idea.

Oxhorn:               No idea?

Brian:    No idea.

Oxhorn:               Well, maybe he’ll be able to come.  Not sure.  But it was a pleasure to have you all here.  Thank you very much.  Go to GrowABeardNow.com to find all sorts of fantastic beard products.  And be sure to share my video with any and all of your friends.   And be sure, as always, to stay classy.

Brian:    Stay classy.  Later, guys.

[End of Audio]

Brandon M. Dennis
Hello, fellow beardsmen! I'm an author, marketer, and story-teller. Read my swashbuckling fantasy sea adventure novel, The Tale of Cloran Hastings, and click my name to learn more about me. Enjoy the site!

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