162

Oxhorn: Welcome, one and everyone.  Sorry, I scared the boy.  [echo]  Buddy, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to yell in your ear.  Aw.  Look at that.  He’s sad.  I didn’t mean to yell in your ear, buddy.  I’m going to go ahead and mute my sound.  There we go.  But it’s still playing.  There we go.  Muting my sound.  Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.  Anyway, welcome to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  [crying]  Buddy boy is not used to me using my outdoor voice.  Hey, guy.  Hey, little guy.  I’m sorry.  Was I yelling?  I’m not meaning to yell.  I’m just trying to talk to the fellows on the internet machine.  Yes.  UberROFLMAO says, “Wow, he’s grown.”  He has, indeed, become a very big boy.  And he’s looking into your soul right now.  See the camera with the blue light?  [cooing]  Yeah, that’s the camera.  Hey.  Don’t be sad face.  He’s hungry.  That’s one of the things as well.  He hasn’t had his meal.  But this is little baby Gavin and he is a sweetie pie.  He’s normally very well behaved, but he just woke up from his nap and I startled him when I said, ‘Hello, everyone.’  This is episode 162, by the way, of Scotch and Smoke Rings and this is the star.  The little star of the fine program.  His name is Gavin Michael Earl Dennis and he is a sweetie pie.  Aren’t you a sweetie pie, little baby boy?  Yes.

His mom is going to come in here in just a bit to collect him.  But in the meantime, he’s going to help me co-host the show.  So, Gavin, what did you do today?  [pause]  Oh, really?  Well, I was very cute today, too.  I was complemented all day by my coworkers.  They said, “Oxhorn, you’re so cute today.”  And I’m like, “Well, what can I say?”  But I see that you’ve had a very active day of cuteness.  What else did you do today besides just being cute?  [pause]  Yeah?  No, I think that that’s an admirable way to spend your time, little baby.  You know the first time—no, this is the second time he’s been in daddy’s office.  Whoa.   What’re you looking at?  What you looking at?  You looking at the sky?  You looking at the ceiling?  You looking at the curtains?  He’s fascinated by everything.  Aren’t you fascinated by everything?  All right.  Time to put you over one shoulder so that I can find a way to—OK.  Slightly complicated to host a show with a baby over the arm.  Anyway, yeah, this is Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 162, the 162nd episode of this fine program.  I am, of course, your neighborhood friendly Oxhorn here, as always, with my suspenders set to maximum stun.  This little guy is going to become a regular segment on the program when he turns 18 and he’s legally able to choose whether or not to smoke his own pipes, cigars.  Until then, he can watch through the window or maybe just watch the show like everybody else.  But for now, because I am not smoking, he is of course, co-hosting with me.

Now, buddy, you need to tell me some of your life experiences so that we can entertain the masses here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  [cooing]  Really?  Tell me a little bit more about that.  When you say, “Hea,” what is it exactly you’re meaning?  [pause]  I think so, too.  That’s one of the major, major life experiences I learned as a young boy, that you apparently are going through at this very moment.  Now, for those who are wondering about his beard, yes, he was born with one but we, of course, had to shave it off because we didn’t want all the other babies to become jealous.  We’re all about egalitarianism here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  We give to give and not to receive.  We don’t want to make anyone jealous, right?  Isn’t that right, baby boy?  That’s right.  Well, he’s just waving at everybody and having a very good time.  And I think he’s getting heavy.  Oh, mama?  Nova Domina?  I think mommy is going to come and pick up this baby, so that I can light up a cigar, because I can’t do so with him here.  But other than that, we really do have a fine program for you today.  Sorry, everybody.  He’s just acting really cute.  Today, we are going to do things that are fine and exciting on this greatest program on God’s green earth.  [cooing]  He’s concurring with that statement.  I may play my pennywhistle.  Have you ever heard daddy play his pennywhistle, baby boy?  [playing]  Takes two hands to play it and one is holding the baby.  Would you like to play?  No?  OK.  Oh, boy.  He’s heavy.  How heavy are you, huh?  Last time you were weighed, you were 16 pounds?  I don’t know, but he is a big boy.  Big, big boy, and it’s hard to do the program with a big boy in my lap.  Isn’t that right?

All right.  Well, today I will be smoking this fine number, which I’m not going to take out of the bag until he’s out of the room—until he’s out of the room.  His mom is going to come and get him.  I don’t want to harm his delicate features and frame with the wonderful fragrance of the cigar creature.  Isn’t that right, buddy?  Isn’t that right?  Are you trying to head butt my beard?  You can’t head butt my beard because my beard might head butt you back and that wouldn’t be good for anybody, would it?  [cooing]  Oh, tell everybody how much you love them.  Say, “We love you, fans.”  Well, he’s not saying it right now, but he’s saying it with his eyes.  You can peer into those baby blue eyes and see his love for the world, and for all of the Oxhorn fans, can’t you?  [cooing]  Yeah, he’s agreeing right now.  Those are his true sentiments.  Do you have anything else to say to the fine fans?  Do you want to wish them a good year and bless their crops and barley?  Well, hey there, mama.

Jodi: Hey.

Oxhorn: This is, of course, the mama, the mother of this fine specimen of babydom.  And she’s going to be taking him.  How was your day, my love?

Jodi: It was great.  Hello, everyone.

Oxhorn: It’s been a long time since you’ve been on the camera.

Jodi: Yeah, I know.

Oxhorn: How long has it been?

Jodi: It’s been a long time.

Oxhorn: Since before the baby.  No, wait.  You were on once right after the baby was born, weren’t you?  Probably.

Jodi: No.

Oxhorn: No?

Jodi: No.

Oxhorn: Didn’t we show him off once?  We showed him off once right after he was born.

Jodi: I don’t remember.

Oxhorn: I think we might’ve.  Anyway, it’s been a very long time since she’s been on camera.  So, say hello to all of the masses.  [cooing]  What?  Are you tired? [laughs] You yawning?  He’s making little tired noises.  Oh, look.  Everybody’s saying, “Hi, Nova.”  All right, well I’m going to hand him to his mother.

Jodi: Yes.  It is time to eat.

Oxhorn: Time to eat.

Jodi: Come on.

Oxhorn: Oh, there you go.

Jodi: Say, “Bye.”  Bye. [laughter]  Blow kisses.  Bye.

Oxhorn: [laughs]  Bye, you people.  I love you.

Jodi: Love you.

Oxhorn: All right.  Well, the women and children have left, which means that I can finally start the cigarette portion of this fine program, which is one of my favorite portions.  And I also at the same time have to figure out exactly what this background noise it. [pause]  You see?  You hear that noise in the background?  That’s me talking.  I’ve got to figure out—oh wait, here it is.  Is that it?  I found it.  Oh, that wasn’t too bad at all.  Fantastic.  All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you today filled with all sorts of wonder.  Today we are smoking this fine specimen.  I’m going to pull it out and show you all of its glory, as soon as I get your chat back up.  I lost your chat.  There we go.  Now I can see your chat.  Theoden says on Twitch TV, “Very cute, Oxhorn.”  Yes, I know I am, but it’s one of those things, you know, I don’t often try and solicit such a response from the fans.  Of course, I’m not going to deny when people say, “Oxhorn, you’re cute.”  But the gentleman in me still twinges ever so slightly.

This is a—oh, this is called Flor de Tabacos Partagas, something or other.  Not in English, but it looks like it’s going to be a fantastic cigar.  This is the final cigar of my bunch.  My beautiful wife bought me a big packet of cigars for my birthday that I have been slowly going through them, taking ever so slowly because I didn’t want to waste any.  And this is the last one.  As you can see, it has a significantly thicker gauge than normal cigars, which is going to make it hard to cut.  Well, not too hard to cut, but it’s worth it because this—I just really enjoy larger gauge cigars, as well as fairly long Churchill cigars.  [pause]  Psykin98 asks, “Have you, Oxhorn, rejudged Mists of Pandaria since the trailer was released?”  Now last week during the program, we showed off the trailer and it was then that I saw it for the first time.  It was pretty great.  I actually really enjoyed the trailer but, I don’t know.  I’m still a little iffy on the whole Pandaren thing.  Now, I’ve played Mists of Pandaria.  I’ve played the beta of it.  I gave away plenty of beta keys, and it’s going to be fun.  I know it’s going to be fun.  People are going to enjoy it.  I still love World of Warcraft.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s my thing.  But I wish the expansion would’ve been something a little bit more boss than a bunch of pandas dancing around.  That’s just my personal preference.  Whatever.  There’s no hate here.  Just saying.  [pause]

All right.  Oh.  Looks like I’m getting together with Mr. [inaudible] tomorrow.  Let’s see if I can set up a time.  [pause]  All right.  There we go.  Message sent.  Oh, look.  AresApollo has a—priory.  What’s the name?  So I just discovered this awesome new show on Netflix.  It is fantastic.  I hadn’t known of it before.  It’s based on an Agatha Christie novel, a series of detective stories called Pyro.  And this guy on Twitter as a Pyro avatar on and he just messaged me, so I’m pretty excited about that because I can actually recognize him.  Love the Proio avatar.  All right, enough of that, ladies and gentlemen.  I have scotch.  Scotch, scotch, scotchy scotch, scotch, and here it is.  Today we are drinking Scoresby Very Rare Blended Scotch Whiskey, a very fine scotch whiskey if I do say so myself.  It’s blended, which means it’s not super expensive, nor super fine, but it is still scotch and it goes down smooth.  So here we are in my square little scotch glasses and a fine cigar of a gentlemanly gauge.  Cheers, ladies and gentlemen.  Bottoms up and have yourselves a fantastic Thursday night.  [pause]

Lord BlackBane on Twitter says, “Have you considered adding a current events segment and expressing your opinions on them for this show?”  Yes, I have.  I have, indeed, considered such a thing and have often decided not to do it just because I don’t think many people agree with my current event opinions on this fine earth.  True, I could talk about the Republican Convention, and half of you would hate me.  The other half would go, “Oh yeah, Oxhorn.  We love you.  We agree.”  I could talk about the flooding in Louisiana and other places in the South.  And most of you would say, “You have been insensitive in one way or another,” or “You shouldn’t say such things about tragedies.”  And they would probably be right.  Any number of things that I could comment on about the day to day goings on of life here on earth, there’s just going to be someone to disagree.  And not that I’m afraid of disagreements, that’s what my blog is for.  But I have decided to make this program more about scotch and less about politics and more about cigars and less about current events.  Now, if it’s particularly interesting, I may say something.  Like when the whole Norwegian massacre happened last year, I think I dedicated a fairly substantial segment of my program talking all about how horrible that event was and tying it in with a blog post.  So every now and then, I will stop the show to talk about current events.  But today is not one of those days.  Today is one of the days where I simply enjoy my fine cigar and chat with my friends who have come all this way from all walks of life and all over the world to sit down, to tip their caps and say, “Well howdy, classy people.  We are here to engage in gentlemanly pursuits.”

Oh, an automated Twitter bot tried to spell check one of my recent tweets.  That’s frustrating.  ChaoticEnigma, pleasure to have you back by the way, on Twitter says, “Sir Oxhorn, for a being who has missed about two months of shows, can I get a recap?”  Yes, of course.  Let me recap two whole months of this fine program just for you.  [clears throat]  For the past two months, we have turned on the camera and smoked cigars while drinking scotch.  There you go.  You’re welcome.  I know it’s one of those complicated things it’s hard to wrap your minds around, but I’ve decided to just distill it in the simplest terms possible.  No, actually you missed a fairly fantastic series of contests that we had here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  I gave away thousands of dollars worth of prizes.  I hope you were able to participate, and we just had a really good time.  [pause]  Xsblbl gamer on Twitter says, “Watching the live show right now.  Just wanted to say your beard looks curly today.”  And this is actually after me grooming it.  I tried to get some of the frizz down but, as you can see, it’s still fairly substantial in its frizzy way.  Speaking of beards, I do have a special secret and super awesome product to be giving away next week maybe, maybe the week after.  It’s a video and a website to go along with it.  It’s all super secret and hush-hush right now, but it does, indeed, have to do with beards.  Here’s something that you missed, Mr. Enigma.  The fans named my beard.  Yes.  It used to be simply Oxhorn’s beard.  It is now called Zug Zug.  That is true.  My beard now has a name and the name is Zug Zug.  [pause]

Sorry, catching up on my tweets.  Hold on.  People are trying to add me on Twitter like crazy.  Snowy214 says, ”It’s my birthday on Saturday.  Going to be 25.  Findoora.”  Well, Findoora, happy birthday to you ahead of time.  I won’t be doing this show on Saturday, so instead I’ll say happy birthday today.  So happy birthday, Findoora.  It is a pleasure to have you here, as always.  SuperPurpeNinjaMonkey says, “Oxhorn, how long has your beard been in production?”  This particular beard has been in production for about seven or eight months.  Yes, seven or eight months.  I had a fairly short beard when I got married in December and I think it probably was maybe a month’s worth of growth at that time.  So I had about a month’s worth of growth on my beard in December when I got married and I haven’t shaved since.  And it’s been, what?  It’s the end of August, so it’s been a significant period of time.  So wha—six, seven, eight, nine, nine or ten months.  So that is how old this particular beard is, nine or ten months.  Greg Hartung says, “I apologize for the lack of fan art recently.  My classes have recently started and have nabbed my full attention.”  Well, good sir, it is still admirable that you are able to come here after having such a busy day and still participate in the greatest show on God’s green earth, this fine program, ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  So we’re just glad you’re here.  We are, of course, looking forward to your fan art and for anyone else who’s watching would like to participate by submitting fan art to this fine contest—or not to the contest because the contests are over, but to this fine program—you can do so by simply using the Contact form at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  [pause]

ChaoticEnigma says, “I must say that I like the name of the beard.”  It wasn’t even my choice.  It was the choice of the fans.  They decided to name it Zug Zug and so that is its name, Zug Zug.  I like it, too.  So, if any of you would prefer to post your comments using Facebook, you can use the comment form at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com and I will do my very best to answer them.  In fact, let me see if you’ve posted any comments yet.  [pause]  Alexander says, “Oxhorn, you’re pretty epic.  From one classy, cigar-smoking man to another, I must say that you are one awesome bad boy.”  And he actually said something else with the word ‘bad’ in it, but we’re all classy here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  We don’t indulge in profanities.  But thank you for that, Alexander.  John ‘Ghoulbreath’ Bagely says—or Bagly, forgive me, I’m bad at this—says, “So, Ox, my glasses were literally stolen today, my third day of high school.  Did you deal with such nonsense in your high school years?”  I never had my glasses stolen, but in my high school years, yes, I did deal with such nonsense.  And honestly, the way I dealt with it was beating them up.  I’m not even kidding.  When I was in elementary school and high school, whenever there were those lesser elements that tried to pick a fight, I defended myself with fisticuffs and established a reputation for myself wherein which I was pretty much not messed with for my entire high school career.  Not that I am, of course, condoning violence in any way, shape, or form.  But I do think that if your dignity is insulted in any way, shape, or form, that it is sometimes a judicial use of manly brawn is in order.  [pause]

Nova Domina says, “People stole my Nanopets.”  Why would they steal a Nanopet?  That’s just crazy.  Nanopets are like the closest you can get to having a puppy at school, at least it used to be.  I got this today.  Not today, yesterday.  Take a look at that.  I’m really excited.  Yes, those are shirt stays.  They came all the way from Europe and they keep my shirt tucked in.  They attach to my socks and my shirt and it keeps my shirt tucked in.  I’m actually really excited about this.  I’m probably more excited about this than a many other thing I could possibly get through the mail.  Shoes?  Eh.  Scotch?  Eh.  Shirt stays?  Oh, my.  Now you are speaking my language.  [pause]  That’s the problem with having this thing going on.  Yes, I have my filter.  As you can see, it completely messed up my smoke.  This is my air filter.  It filters all of the smoke out of my room, but I have to turn it off to do smoke rings and that is what this show is all about, scotch and smoke rings.  [pause]  Green Giant says, “Hey, Oxhorn, I know you’re a scotch man, but what is your favorite beer?  Beer is classy, too, in moderation.  Good beer, that is.”  Indeed so, sir.  Good beer is good in moderation.  Bad beer is just swill on any occasion.  But in terms of good beer, I like really dark Pacific Northwest seasonal beers.  For example, there’s a local brew called Rasputin, which I really enjoy.  And then there’s another one called Irish Death that I really enjoy.  Those two, if used in moderation, of course, are fantastic brews.  [pause]

Check that out, huh?  I’ve got the smoke rings going on today.  Man.  Psykin98 says, “Oxhorn, I have been trying to ask you a question, but you haven’t been reading it.”  Look, my friend, I apologize.  There are thousands upon thousands of people in this chat right now and I simply don’t have the ocular abilities to answer them all.  When I see your comment, I will do my very best to answer it.  You have my word.  ThisIsOdd says, “The beta is closing completely soon.”  This is, indeed, true.  I gave away all of my beta keys.  I hope you guys really enjoyed it.  We had a fun time last month doing all of the contests, so I hope you guys are enjoying the beta right now.  Get your fill because the beta ends very soon because the expansion is going live next month, so play the beta as much as you possibly can.  We sure had a fun time.  [pause]  Thank you for that, Green Giant.  Thank you.  [laughs]  Nethehholyhammer says, “Ox, you promised that you would play the beta with me this week, but the servers are down.”  Did I say that?  I actually don’t remember promising to play the beta with anybody.  But I did log in last week, remember, during the show, and I played the beta with, I think you came.  Did you come, or was it Findoora?  There was a number of people that came to play with me last week.  TheRantus says, “Oxhorn, what is your favorite book/series of books?”  Well, of course, there is the one that I always throw out there, which is Lord of the Rings.  Everybody loves the Lord of the Rings.  I love it, too.  Another great series is CS Lewis’ science fiction series called Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength.  Science fiction novels to be sure, but very, very compelling.  I really enjoyed them.  Let’s see.  I really got into Jeeves and Wooster, but the TV show, not actually the novels.  I’ll have to read up on those.  [pause]

Nomasil says, “Oxhorn, come to Poulsbo.”  I love Poulsbo.  I really do.  I go there on occasion with my wife.  It’s one of our favorite places to tromp around.  And they’ve got a fantastic bakery there called Sluys’ Bakery.  Really good stuff.  Yeah, I hope to go back soon sometime.  [laughs]  ForRest says, “Oxhorn, did you pass out cigars at Gavin’s birth?”  I didn’t because I was kind of busy in the delivery room helping deliver the baby.  But I did smoke a celebratory cigar afterwards with my brother.  It was pretty fun.  [pause]  Who would steal your glasses, John?  That just seems very bizarre to me.  It’s not like they’ll be able to use them, right?  They can’t see through them.  They’re your glasses.  Oh, that just chaps my hide.  Chaps my hide.  I’m going to have to get Oxhorn on their bums.  [pause]  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  ThisIsOdd, my friend, there is no need to get offended in this chat.  If a fellow hasn’t read Lord of the Rings, it just simply means he hasn’t been cultured.  It doesn’t mean we get offended.  No.  Instead, we go out of our way to help culture the individual, right?  We find the best things in life and we share them with whom?  Those we love.  When I say that Lord of the Rings is a fantastic novel, classic work of art, and someone hasn’t read it, I don’t get angry and say, “How dare you not have read Lord of the Rings?”  Instead, I say, “My friend, I will give you a copy of The Silmarillion.”  All right?  [pause]  So my burn is getting a little off right now.  And the way I handle it, as you can see, is burn the edges around the ash.  That usually does the trick.

“Ox, if you could somehow out of WoW for president, who would it be?”  Me, obviously.  I would be a much better president than anyone else in the world.  I’m just that talented.  But aside from me, I would have to say either Cairne or Thrall.  Thrall has just gotten a little hippyish since Cataclysm, so—but Cairne was still pretty amazing.  UberROFLMAO says, “Oh, Ox used a lighter on his cigar.”  I know.  I feel really bad, but I used my final match.  I used it to start the light at the beginning of the program, if you didn’t miss it.  But then I’m out of matches and I wanted to trim it up a little bit so I had to use my lighter.  So sorry.  Sorry.  Whoa.  Ironbark, goodness.  You’re getting all scandalous on us here.  “Women will flock to you if you read those books, though.  Or so I’ve heard, so get cultured.”  Nice advice there, Ironbark.  If there was ever a reason to read Lord of the Rings, it’s because women will flock to you, or so I’ve heard.  Nicely done.  Nicely done.  Oh, I forgot to tell everybody that we were doing this show.  All right.  Hold on.  I always forget that.  Streaming live right now Scotch and Smoke Rings, Episode 162.  Come hence FTW.  You know, I still spam this out to MySpace every week.  I haven’t checked MySpace in over a year.  I wonder if I should even continue to bother.  Is anyone still on MySpace or is it just a bunch of girls doing the duck face in front of a bathroom mirror while covered in glitter?  I don’t even know anymore.

Wait.  Psykin, all right, I see your comment.  Hold on.  “WoW movies.  Oxhorn, give me your opinion please.  This is the last time I’m trying.”  Good sir, I saw your comment.  I’m so glad you made it.  However, I don’t understand.  WoW movies—what do you want my opinion on concerning WoW movies?  There are all sorts of movies out there, some of which I have made.  One of which World of Warcraft itself is going to be making.  Ironbark says, “What is a MySpace?”  Nice.  I think Facebook has succeeded.  This is, indeed, 2012 and people are asking, “What is a MySpace?”  I know it was in jest though, of course, I know.  Green Giant says, “Jersey Shore got cancelled today, by the way, for those who haven’t heard.”  Really?  I wonder why Jersey Shore, of all programs, could’ve possibly been cancelled.  Maybe because it is asinine.  And no, that is not a dirty word.  It’s simply a word called asinine.  Asinine things should, indeed, be cancelled.  So, you know, this has made my day.  If TV professionals have finally cancelled Jersey Shore, then there is possibly hope for the world.  Psykin says, “A movie about World of Warcraft.”  Oh, the official World of Warcraft movie.  What are my thoughts on it?  Well, I think it has been a long time in the making.  They announced it, what, in Blizzcon 2008?  Blizzcon 2007?  It’s been a while.  And they were going to get Sam Raimi, right, to direct it?  Is that still correct?  To my knowledge, Sam Raimi was going to direct it.  I think it’s exciting.  I was really thrilled when I heard that Sam Raimi was going to direct it.  I would love to see a World of Warcraft movie, but it’s been many, many years.  How long do we have to wait?  Raimi is off?  They lost Raimi?  Oh, because of Oz.  Who’s going to direct it now, guys?  You guys are more knowledgeable about this than I do.  Who’s going to direct it?  Who’s going to direct it?  Sam Raimi isn’t going to direct it anymore?  Man.  I was hoping like Return of the Evil Dead or something.  That’s a bummer.  Anyway, I still can’t wait to see the movie, if it ever comes out.  If.

ZigGaming says, “Hey, so you know, I moved over to Twitch because it was way less laggy.”  That’s fine.  Ladies and gentlemen, if for some reason ScotchAndSmokeRings.com is lagging you out, maybe because of the embed feature, feel free to go to Twitch TV and look for my Scotch and Smoke Rings channel there if you’re seeing lag.  I believe there may be a link to it at the top of this page, so that may help your lag.  Nova Domina says, “It’s going to be directed by Michael Bay.  Random explosion.”  Nice.  Yeah, OK.  That’d be fun.  I wouldn’t mind seeing a World of Warcraft directed by Michael Bay.  Every time somebody walks by and kills a rabbit with his hammer and magic helmet, it’d go [explosion].  Or maybe Tauren transforms into Draenei or something.  Yeah, that would be a Michael Bay film, wouldn’t it?  [laughs]  [pause]  Azeron says, “Ox, my week has been terrible.  I’ve had arguments with my family and I’ve ended a relationship with my girlfriend.  Can you tell me your best joke to cheer me up?”  I’m so sorry.  It is never fun to end relationships.  Those are really hard.  I completely sympathize with you, and it’s never fun to argue with one’s family.  One’s family is supposed to be a place where you can go to receive comfort and satisfaction from the terrors of the world.  So I sympathize with you.  But you want me to tell a joke?  I don’t even know if I can tell a joke.  All right.  Here’s a joke.  Three gnomes and a Draenei walk into a bar.  The barkeep sees them and says, “May I help you?”  The gnomes say, “Yes, we would like a pint of your shortest beer.”  And the Draenei says, “I’ll have a hoof in mine.”  And the barkeep says, “Sure, gents.  Comin’ right up.”  So he goes to the basement and opens up a keg of short gnome beer, gives a few pints—short pints, maybe cups—to the gnomes and says, “There is some short beer.”  And the gnomes say, “Thank you.”  And they drink it.  And the Draenei says, “I’m so glad I came to hang out with you guys today.  I was lonely at home.”  And so they play cards.  [pause]  Anyway, I hope you’re having a better day because of that.  I did my best.

Ghoulbreath says, “Sippy cups.”  That would’ve been better.  You should’ve been telling the joke.  [pause]  [laughs]  Azeron says, “That was so bad, it’s great, Ox.  Thanks for giving me a laugh.”  Well, I try.  I try.  I have skills sometimes.  All right.  SuperPurpleNinjaMonkey says, “I have a great joke.  Nicki Minaj, Lil’ Wayne and One Direction walk into a bar.  There is no punch line.  Ruining the music industry isn’t a joke.”  Ha.  Ha.  Oh.  Oh, man.  You should be hosting this program instead of me.  I’m just saying.  [pause]  Nethehholyhammer says, “Here’s my joke, Ox.  What did the derby say to the other?”  Hat’s off?  I don’t know.  UberROFLMAO says, “Well, Oxhorn, I must go for I have school tomorrow.  I must go to bed.  I have enjoyed the 30 minutes I have watched.”  Goodnight, sir.  Pleasure to have you here, as always.  ForRest says, “Went to the place that sells your hats.  Alas, it doesn’t go well with my face.  When your face was made, the mold broke.  Scotch time.”  [laughs]  Cheers, sir, and bottoms up.  Scotch time.  [laughs]  You know, I’ve noticed that not all faces go well with derbies, and that’s quite true.  I used to wear a top hat and I still like top hats.  But top hats don’t suit my particular shape of the head as well as a derby.  So, maybe yours would look better in a top hat or a fedora, right?  Or a panama hat.  There are any number of hat styles out there, many of which are classy, and you could experiment a little bit, maybe find one that suits your face.  [pause]

Aranarus says, “Hey, Ox, I was thinking you make movies, et cetera, et cetera.  But I want to know if you would ever consider playing on a role playing server.”  Hm.  Irish1488, pleasure to have you back.  He says, “Ox, your beard is much larger since the last time I saw it.”  Yes, it has grown a bit.  I haven’t shaved it in quite a while.  To answer your question, I am on a role playing server.  Oxhorn is on Silver Hand, which is a role playing server.  However, I refuse to role play on that server.  Staghorn, on the other hand, is also on that server, which makes sense because he does role play.  [pause]  Findoora the Almighty Hunter says, “What do you call a tub full of druids and paladins?”  A tub of overpowered?  I don’t know.  What?  Ghoulbreath says, “Your momma’s so fat, when she fell of her griffin, she created the Un’Goro Crater.” Ha ha ha ha.  Ow, nice.  Nice.  Green Giant says, “Hey, Oxhorn, we are going to play some drinking games at Blizzcon this year, I hope.”  I hope, too, but alas there is no Blizzcon this year.  I know.  My heart is broken as well.  Maybe next year, though.  Maybe next year.  And if that’s the case, of course I’d be happy to play drinking games.  [pause]  This darn thing is messing up my smoke rings.  There we go.  [pause]  There’s still residual breeze in the room, all right?  Hold on, I can do this.  [pause] Nethehholyhammer says, “Ox, to finish my joke, you stay here.  I’ll go on a head.”  Am I missing something?  Has it been so long since I’ve played the game that the jokes are now going over my head?

“Hey Ox, where is Bean?” asks Michael W.  He will be here next week.  He works usually at the time of the program now, sadly.  But next week, he is not working and he will be here on the fine program.  So stay tuned.  He’s a comin’.  “What is your favorite cigar?” asks ClassyOrcMan.  Indeed, ClassyOrcMan.  Well, probably a Nica Libre 1995.  No, I take that back.  There was a cigar that I smoked on the program just a few weeks ago that was my favorite cigar ever.  My wife got it for me.  I forgot what it was.  There was a Rocky Patel, which was very nice.  And that was better than the Nica Libre, but I forget what the one was that I really enjoyed.  It was huge.  It was a giant of a cigar.  You’ll have to watch some of my previous episodes and remind me.  [laughs]  Oh, oh, the hat joke.  What did one hat say to the other?  You stay here, I’ll go on a head.  I see.  Ha ha ha.  That’s actually pretty great.  Irish1488 says, “Hey Ox, what have I missed the past three months that I have not been here?”  That’s the second time I’ve been asked that question today.  What is it with people who haven’t been here for three months deciding to come on to the program today?  Not that I’m complaining.  I’m glad you’re here, but how can I recap three months in one program?  OK, contests, lots of cigars, scotch, beard.  Yes, and a baby.  No, the baby was many months ago.  It’s OK.  It’s OK, my friend.  This is—no, no, no.  Don’t leave.  You can watch the replays, right?  ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, click on Episodes and you can watch them all.  [pause]

ForRestil says, “Romney speaking now.  Boring.  Oxhorn speaking now.  Very classy.”  Indeed.  Not that I have anything against Romney’s particular way of giving speeches, but don’t you think I would be a better candidate for the Republican bid for the White House?  I really think I would.  Should I run as a Republican, ladies and gentlemen?  I could wear a snappy suit.  I wouldn’t shave the beard.  No, I don’t think I could, so I would be the first bearded Republican since Abraham Lincoln.  Maybe?  Really?  I don’t even know. I could probably win.  I would win the nomination, go on to win the White House, and then I would have the judicial system at my fingertips.  Actually, no I wouldn’t.  That’s not the way the United States works.  But, I would still legislate from the White House.  And I would say, “All men must wear derbies.”  And I would make all smoke shops in the United States of America play Cab Calloway.  And I would ban lighters from smoke shops, unless they used a particular kind of lighting fluid.  I would make sure that all matches were made from cedar matches.  And I would bring back the suspender.  No, I would actually make it illegal to use belts.  That’s how I would bring back the suspender.  Yes, I think I could run for the Republican nomination.  I should’ve thought of this sooner.  Argh.  [pause]  The baby was born in June.  June 8th was when the baby was born, ladies and gentlemen.  It hasn’t been a year.  No, the baby is three months old.  Azeran says, “I’ve always wanted to bring back the cloak.”  Yeah, cloaks are good if you’re going out to see “Phantom of the Opera” late at night, right?  Cloaks and a cane?  That would work.

[laughs]  Psykin98 says, “Oxhorn, can you recap five years of your Scotch and Smoke Rings episode?”  Sadly, I can only go three years back because the program has only been online for three years.  The past two years before that, I was hosting a different program called WeGame’s Weekly Video Review.  Google it and you’ll find it.   [pause]  Lepidus of Runetotem says, “Oh, wait.  The fan art, Oxhorn.  The fan art.”  I didn’t get any this week, sadly.  I checked my email just before doing this program and I didn’t see any fan art there.  Caldon says, “Oxhorn and Jesse Cox.  Is that you, Gandalf?”  I believe you have your internet celebrities wrong.  [laughs]  [pause]  Aw.  All right, hold on.  Ian Beckman is working on a new movie and he’s having a hard time singing.  Let me offer him my assistance.  Hey.  Just hey.  What should I say?  I don’t want to insult him.  I don’t want to insinuate that I’m a better singer than him, even though I am a better singer than him.  [pause]  There we go.  I told him that I would do it, but I receive payment in cigars.  ZigGaming says, “What is a scotch you can recommend to someone who hasn’t had it before?”  All right.  So there are very—so here’s the breakdown on scotch.  There’s single malt scotch whiskey and then blended scotch whiskey.  Blended scotch whiskey is [echo]—hold on a minute.  There we go.  Blended scotch whiskey is a very fine scotch whiskey.  It’s not as nice as single malt, however.  Single malt is made from only one malted version of the beverage.  Blended means that they take a whole bunch of different kinds and they blend it together to make something tasty.  It’s cheaper.  It’s not as nice, but if you want the really nice scotch, go for single malt scotch.  However, it will be stronger so if you’re not used to having straight alcohol, maybe put it on a few cubes of ice, maybe even with some soda water and that’ll be fine.  I’m going to have to say one of the best scotches to go with is either a Glenfiddich or a Laphroaig.  Google them.  They’re great.  Bonjo of Kaddar says, “I like Glenlivet.”  Glenlivet is a really good scotch.  It really is.  I think I prefer Glenfiddich and Laphroaig, but Glenlivet is still really nice.  [pause]

Lepidus says that he sent me one a couple hours ago.  If you did, my friend, I didn’t receive it in my inbox, sadly.  So try sending it again.  I’m sorry I didn’t see it.  [pause]  ChaoticEnigma says, “Johnny Walker.”  Sadly—actually it is a scotch, isn’t it?  Yeah, I’ve had Johnny Walker.  It’s pretty nice.  Aranarus says, “Hey Ox, what is the worst accident where you caught your suspenders?”  Well, there was that one time I went parachuting in the Andes.  And as I came down, my suspenders got caught on a pelican, who then proceeded to vomit onto my pants and it wasn’t a fun experience.  That has got to be the worst.  [pause]  Ghoulbreath, what kind of question is that?  He asks, “Oxhorn, what is a better battle cry?  For Lordaeron, This is Sparta, or For Pony?”  For the Horde.  Come on, of those three choices and you’re not including For the Horde?  My friend, you’re going to have to have your Horde credentials questioned after that one.  Milaninja says, “Have you been involved with any other projects beside your own as of late, Ox?”  Sadly, no I haven’t.   I’ve been really busy with my own things.  Stumphorn says, “I liked Run Like Your Momma.”  Run Like Your Momma.  Indeed, that was a pretty good one, right?  I liked it, at least.  Where’s my scotch?  Oh, here it is.  [pause]  Green Giant, you were censored, but I know what you were going to say.  [pause]

ClassyOrcMan says, “What is your opinion on the fall of X and X as a final encounter?”  I don’t want to give spoilers away to everybody who hasn’t done the research up on Mists of Pandaria yet, so I can’t comment on that specifically using those phrases.  But, I am going to say that I do like it.  I do actually think that it’s interesting, so I’m looking forward to seeing that play out.  Brad Campbell says, “I just got here.  No.”  Brad Campbell, it’s OK.  We’re just glad that you’re here.  It doesn’t matter that you’re very, very late.  Psykin says, “Begins mob chant.  Spoken word song.  Spoken word song.  Spoken word song.”  Well, do you have any suggestions?  I’m happy to accommodate.  I’m just going to need your suggestions because I’m not feeling very creative right now.  I’m feeling really relaxed.  This is me and my down time.  [pause]  A spoken word version of the Great Kodo?  [laughs]  Can I do a spoken word version of my own song?  “Never Gonna Give You Up”?  I think I actually did that once.  We’re no strangers to love—I also did “Pokerface”, my friend.  Those are two that I have done in the past, so you have to think of something else.  “U Can Touch This”?  “Telephone” by Lady Gaga.  All right, I haven’t done “Telephone” by Lady Gaga.  Let me see if I can find the lyrics to that one.  [pause]  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  It is time for another episode of Reading Rap Lyrics—no, that’s not what this is.  What is this?  Oh, Spoken Word Versions of Popular Pop Songs.  All right, today we are doing a very fine suggestion and today we will be doing Lady Gaga’s “Telephone.”  You’re wanting me to do “Sexy and I Know It”?  That probably would’ve been funnier.  Oh, you don’t want me to do “Telephone”?  No?  The crowd is saying no.  OK, vote.  “Sexy and I Know It” or “Telephone”.  Hands up.  I’ll count the hands. [counting]  OK, “Sexy and I Know It”.

[clears throat]  Yeah, yeah.  When I walk on by, girls be lookin’ like darn, he’s fly.  I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak.  Yeah.  This is how I roll.  Animal print pants, out of control.  It’s Redfoo, with the big afro.  And like Bruce Leroy, I got the glow.  Ah, girl, look at that body.  Ah, I work out.  Ah, girl, look at that body.  Ah, I work out.  When I walk in the spot, yeah, and this is what I see, OK.  I got passion in my corduroy trousers and I ain’t afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it.  I’m sexy and I know it.  Yeah, when I’m at the mall, security just can’t fight them off.  When I’m at the beach, I’m in a Speedo, tryin’ to tan my cheeks.  What?  Oh, that’s horrible.  This is how I roll.  Come on, ladies, it’s time to go.  We headed to the bar.  Baby, don’t be nervous.  No shoes, no shirt, and I still get service.  Watch.  Ah, girl, look at that body.  Ah, I work out.  Ah, girl, look at that body.  Ah, I work out.  When I walk in the spot, yeah, this is what I see.  OK, everybody stops.  They starin’ at me.  I got passion fruit stains on my cheek, and I ain’t afraid to show it, show it, show it.  Cuz why?  I’m sexy and I know it.  Check it out.  Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.  [clears throat]  Pardon me.  Scotch up.  [pause]  Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah, yeah.  Do da wiggle, man.  I do the wiggle, man, yeah.  Cuz I’m sexy and I know it.

Modern poetry.  I do believe Edgar Allen Poe would turn in his grave.  So there you go, ladies and gentlemen.  That was “I’m Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO.  It’s fairly ribald display of poetic license, if I do say so myself.  But I did my very best to add some sort of gentlemanly class to it, if at all possible.  I don’t know if it was possible.  Did I succeed or did I fail miserably?  Just going to have to let me know.  [laughs]  All right.  Ian Beckman says, “You must’ve been reading my mind.  I was just thinking about making my song a colab project.  I’d be honored.  Plus, obviously, cigars.”  Awesome.  Well, I do love cigars.  Milaninja, I wasn’t shutting you down.  I was just appealing to the masses, right?  Next week, we’ll have to do “Telephone” by Lady Gaga.  How does it go again?  T-t-t-telephone.  I don’t even know.  Edgar Allen Poe would do the wiggle?  That just conjures up all sorts of strange images.  Raven.  [pause]  OsterKaktus says, “What is the classy song in the background called?”  Today, right now, at this very moment in time, we are listening to Cline’s Collegians, “Peruna.”  “Peruna.”  Psykin98 says, “Oxhorn is the best thing since sliced cheese.”  Indeed.  Who needs sliced bread when you can have sliced cheese?  Cheese has protein.  It’s better for you.  One of the wonderful things about a beard and moustache, by the way, is that even hours after you’ve finished smoking your gentlemanly cigar or pipe, you can still taste it.  Very tasty.  “Put some Sinatra on.  That is uber classy.”  I do love some Sinatra, however the problem with playing Sinatra on this fine program is that it is still protected by copyright and if I were to do so, I wouldn’t be able to monetize this stream.  So, ah, one of the things we must do.  [pause]

TheRantus asks, “Oxhorn, what are you religious views?”  A fine question.  You can pretty much learn everything about the way I believe at my blog called BloggingWithClass.com.  And I am a Christian, a reformed Christian, technically, which is Calvinism.  I’m not a fully fledged Calvinist, but I do believe many of the Calvinist precepts.  But more than anything, I am a Christian.  It’s who I am.  “No,” says Psykin98.  “Sliced elves.”  That’s even better.  You get the protein and you get to kill an elf.  It’s a win-win.  Sidrange says, “This is the most awesome thing I have seen in a while.”  You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.  Cheers.  Bottoms up.  [pause]  [laughs]  Sidrange says, “Is this like LARPing?”  [laughs]  My friend, this is not live action role playing.  This is me.  I am just being me.  This is me on a day to day basis.  When I go to work, this is me.  In fact, I played a game at work today called Catchphrase, I think it is.  There was this little plastic device with a button on it and you pressed it and it gave you a word and you had to tell the other person what the word is without telling them what the word was.  And I did OK until people started to talk about popular culture.  When it came to things like nightclubs and all of that jazz, I had a really hard time talking about it.  But when they asked DSL, I got DSL hands down.  [pause]  Green Giant asks, “Because those guys are a little annoying,” responding to in-your-face Christians, I believe he was saying, “I respect people’s beliefs, but you push it and try and convert everyone else.  That’s annoying.”  My friend, I wholeheartedly agree with you.  However, in my experience, especially when it comes to the internet, I have found more in your face atheists than Christians.  Just my personal experience.

Nethehholyhammer says, “Why you no answer me question?”  My friend, I have not been purposefully ignoring you.  I just have simply failed to see your question.  My apologies.  The next time I see one, I will do my very best to answer it, OK?  [pause]  Ha ha.  Johamith says, “What is your political view, Oxhorn?”  That is where I draw the line, actually.  I’m happy to share my religious faith to those whom ask.  But when it comes to politics, look, I do have political beliefs, but I try and keep them away from my work life, and my hobby life and my Oxhorn life.  Just not worth it, you know.  It’s just not worth it.  There are too many people on Facebook talking about their political beliefs already.  It would be remiss of me to add to the clamor as it is.  Not my thing.  Ghoulbreath says, “It is smoke ship time.”  I suppose it is.  ForRest says, “Please send rafts and arks to Illinois.  Expecting up to ten inches of rain this weekend.”  Look, my friend, your complaining about rain to a guy who lives in Seattle.  Not sympathizing with you, my friend.  I do take that back to a certain extent.  Look, if your locale is not used to such rain, I understand that it can be quite intimidating. Feel free—here’s a handy hint.  Get a rain jacket and tie the hands together and then bundle it up on one end.  And then blow into it.  By the time you are done, you will have a floatation device.  Tie a little twine on the end and bam.  When the rains do come, just throw it on the water and leap on top.  You’re good to go.  That’s right.  Adventure and wilderness advice from Oxhorn, free of charge.  ZigGaming says, “LMAO.  Yes, I’m in Seattle as well.  So thankful for the blessing of the sun we are getting.”  Very true.  We have had quite a lot of sun here in Seattle.  And it’s been a huge blessing.

I’m getting people who are saying that it’s almost time for me to end the program.  Indeed, I am four minutes over.  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  It is time for a smoke ship.  What is on your mind?  I do, as is customary here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, blow into existence beautiful and epic smoke ships made from nothing but the smoke that dances across my tongue.  Please give me your ideas in the chat and I will do my very best to accommodate you.  The best ones win and it’s simply up to my decision.  There is no voting.  I am, of course, a dictator when it comes to this program, and a happy one.  What is on your mind?  I will do my very best.  Nethehholyhammer asks, “So Oxhorn, here’s my question.  Is it OK for me, a classy gentleman in training, to have unclassy gentlemanly or gentle lady friends?”  Here is one hallmark of a gentleman, he is happy within whatever company he finds himself.  Even though you are a gentleman, that does not preclude you from befriending or even associating loosely with people who are not gentlemens or gentlepeople or gentle ladies.  In fact, it is the hallmark of a gentleman to be able to associate with those people and be in their company without himself becoming less classy.  Do not become victim to peer pressure and be tempted to become unclassy yourself.  Instead, make the bar.  Become the bar, in terms of classiness and gentlemanliness, so that all those around you feel compelled to rise to the occasion.  [pause]

“Ox and Stag looking down on eye-piece stealing elves as Nova and Mort cook panda pizzas and pies for Gavin.  Meanwhile, all of the fans guide an evil bacon warships to battle the forces of the elf armada,” says Ghoulbreath.  A very nice one.  Melaninja says, “Oxhorn piloting Mirmor’s head in a dogfight with the hippy elf on a hippogriff over a sea of turkey legs, shooting bacon ball bullets and Thunk firing frozen turkeys from a cannon at the elf.”  Wow.  You guys, you just—amazing imagination today.  Green Giant says, “Me and Oxhorn playing drinking games at Blizzcon 13.  Thumbmasters.”  [laughs]  Nicely done.  “Gavin directing the ship with his wandering, wondering gazes and whatever else.  Just want to see that in the ships,” says Ironbark.  You want to see Gavin directing the ships with his wandering gaze?  ClassyOrcMan says, “Barnaby and Mr. Evil smiting gold farmers and beggars somehow.”  TheRantus says, “Oxhorn, Staghorn, and Mortuus walking to Mulgore on kodos while bacon-wrapped bacon balls fall from the sky.  Hat and Barnaby are battling the background.”  [laughs]  “A tree flying in the sky with chicken perched at the top, singing songs of angels, while two minotaurs hold onto the branches,” says SuperPurpleNinjaMonkey.  Don’t know how it’s pertaining to this particular program, but very creative and imaginative.  Psykin98 says, “Gavin at your age, slaying elves and the newest race, ragaflagins, which is a very unclassy and they are also cute.  And on the Horde, while you as an elderly man, stroking your gray beard.”  Ragaflagins?  Interesant.  [pause]

SuperPurpleNinjaMonkey says, “A rocket ship with horns flying over the sun.”  All right.  Michael W says, “A ship including bacon, pandas, Ox, and Gavin.  Here, I must win now.”  Nice.  Ghoulbreath says, “Oxhorn directing a classy pirate ship, fighting hordes of elves using nothing but bacon balls and cheese wheels to sink ships, as Mort and Mr. Evil use nothing but scotch to wash down panda pizzas.”  Also very creative.  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  It’s time for the smoke ship.  I’m going to choose one I read earlier.  Let’s see.  Where was it?  Where was it, where was it, where was it?  [pause]  All right, I’m going to do—I think I’m going to do—no, I don’t know.  That one was good, but—sorry, I’m being very picky today, I know.  [pause]  [laughs]  All right, I’m going to go ahead and do Ghoulbreath’s.  Oxhorn directing a classy pirate ship fighting hordes of elves using nothing but bacon balls and cheese wheels to sink the ships as Mort and Mr. Evil use nothing but scotch to wash down the panda pizzas.  All right, but I will also add to that little baby Gavin on the deck of the ship directing the barrage with his random gazes.  You ready?  All right, here we go.  [pause]

Whoa.  I hope you didn’t blink because if you did, you missed it.  But for the briefest of moments, there before your very eyes was a classy pirate ship, fighting hordes of elves using nothing but bacon balls as cannon balls and giant wheels of cheese, spinning through the air with the greatest of ease, plowing into the hulls of those ships and sinking them as Mort and Mr. Evil use nothing but scotch to wash down a bunch of panda pizzas that they are currently enjoying.  This entire scene being directed by baby Gavin on board of the ship with his gazes, pointing out which ships to destroy next.  There you go, right?  I thought so.  And if you missed it, that’s OK.  Just watch the program again when I upload it to YouTube and then take a screen shot at the opportune time and you will see what we all are referring to in this fine chat.  [pause]  [laughs]  Ghoulbreath says, “Finally, my panda pizzas.”  I actually would be really interested in some panda pizzas right now.  I haven’t had dinner and that sounds delicious.  All right, ladies and gentlemen—oh, “Bob dies,” says Michael W.  Thank you.  [laughs]  That is, of course, a reference to the winning short story entry in my short story contest, which ends with, “Bob dies.”  It was a great story.  Anyway, thank you, everybody, for coming to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 162.  Thank you all for coming.  We had a fantastic show, all made possible by you and your kindly, kindly attendance.  Tune in next time, same Ox channel, same Ox time here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com for episode 163, which my brother will help co-host because he will be here next week.  Shall I bring him rum and see what possibly happens with rum in his system?  I don’t know.  I’ll have to stock up on cigars and maybe a few raincoats.  Anyway, thanks for coming, ladies and gentlemen.  And as always, be sure, my friends, to stay classy.

[End of Audio]

Brandon M. Dennis
Hello, fellow beardsmen! I'm an author, marketer, and story-teller. Read my swashbuckling fantasy sea adventure novel, The Tale of Cloran Hastings, and click my name to learn more about me. Enjoy the site!

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