160

Transcript: Episode 160

 

Oxhorn: Welcome, one and everyone, to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings, episode 160.  I know, I know.  Last week I said that this was episode 160, but I was mistaken.  No, truly in fact, today is episode 160.  Last week, I was just on something.  I was high on life.  I know.  Not very classy to be high on life, but better to be high on life than to be high on the alternatives, I must say.  So I was incorrect.  I am correct today.  Today is episode 160 and you are watching me, Oxhorn, and this is Scotch and Smoke Rings.  And I am here as always with my suspenders set to what?  Maximum stun.  Don’t worry, The Ginge, you think you missed four minutes, but in fact I was four minutes late.  So I just started.  Thank you, everybody for being so eternally patient with me as I try and get my stream up and running.

Today is Friday.  That’s right.  It is Friday, not Thursday.  I usually do the show on Thursday, but I had an event.  Yes, I had an event and the event was going to a work event.  So I actually found myself yesterday on a yacht in the middle of Lake Washington.  I’m not even making that up.  I did check into Foursquare and got the “I’m on a boat” achievement.  It was kind of fun.  So one of our investors, one of our company investors, has a yacht here in Seattle and decided to invite the marketing team and some of the other managers on a little cruise of Lake Washington.  And I got to go.  So it was a lot of fun.  We had some gentlemanly beverages.  I dressed up, of course, in my tweed jacket and my sailing hat, as is, you know, the norm when you go yachting.  So I had a great time.  But that’s why I wasn’t here yesterday.  I know it’s a bad excuse.  I was out having fun.  But here I am having fun, too.  All right.  We’ve got to tell everyone that the show is live.  So here I am on the Twitter machine going, “Streaming live, episode 160 of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  Come now or you’ll regret it at least for three seconds.”  Yeah?  That’s good.  Fantastic.  Everybody knows now the show is going.

Well, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for bearing with me as I get my show up and running today and for not being online yesterday.  I had my beautiful wife log on and tell everybody in chat that I was going to the show today.  So hopefully, none of you took it as a surprise.  By the way, happy birthday to nethehholyhammer.  That’s right.  Our ever intrepid nethehholyhammer, who has been coming to this program every week since I started broadcasting with Twitch TV.  It was her birthday yesterday, and she was really bummed that I was not online to do the show and wish her happy birthday.  So here I am saying happy birthday live on Scotch and Smoke Rings a day late.  I know.  I’m sorry.  I was on a yacht, right?  I was on a yacht.  I couldn’t help it.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, we are smoking a Rocky Patel Decade 10th Anniversary.  This was a—oh, there she is.  Hey.  I’m so glad you made it.  Happy, happy birthday to you.  And I was told you weren’t going to be here today, but I’m so glad you’re here now.  Happy birthday to you.  What is that?  The big 21?  That’s okay.  You don’t have to tell everyone.  We don’t need to know.  No, I know some of these things are private and confidential.  I’m not going to be prying.  17, really?  Well, enjoy yourself a classy and gentle lady beverage at the fine and young age of 17.  Anyway—gentleman.  I know.  That’s what I said.  I’m smoking a Rocky Patel Decade 10th Anniversary.  No, I said gentlemen.  I’m so sorry.  You tragically misheard.  That’s what happens on birthdays, right?  Your hearing goes bad for just a brief moment and you start to hear things that didn’t happen.  Like words like gentle lady.  It’s totally, totally—I said, totally, gentleman.  Really, I did.  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming.  We’re smoking a Rocky Patel.  This was a birthday present from my beautiful, beautiful wife, Nova Domina.  And I’ve almost smoked through all of her birthday presents to me.  She gave me, I think it was, seven cigars and I only have two left.  This is the third that I’m getting rid of today.  But it is a fine stogie and what better day to get rid of it than today?  It is gorgeous here in Seattle.  Absolutely gorgeous.  It’s really hot.  So I’m in a room with no air conditioning doing the show with a bunch of smoke everywhere, so this going to be interesting.  [pause]

Patrika says that she is supposed to go to the casino for her birthday this year.  Mothers are so weird sometimes.  Don’t begrudge the casino.  Now, I’m not big on gambling.  Oxhorn is not a gambler.  Maybe if you’ve got $15 that you want to play with, go to the—what are the called—the slots?  Is that what they’re called?  Don’t waste all your money, but play a few games and then done, right?  I’m not big on gambling.  But the casinos are fantastic places for food.  If you want a buffet and you don’t want to pay a lot of money, casinos are the place to be.  Additionally, you can usually get some free gentlemanly beverages at casinos.  The logic goes like this: the casinos want you to spend money.  They want you to make really lousy bets.  So they walk around offering free drinks to get you a little tipsy so that your inhibitions are gone and you waste all your money.  You’ve got to outsmart the casinos.  You’ve got to be a little wiser.  You’ll take the free drink and say, “Why, thank you, kind sir.  This short glass of scotch will add to my gentlemanly charm.”  Imbibe it, have a good time, but don’t get drunk.  That way, they lose out.  You don’t get drunk, you don’t waste your money.  You enjoy a gentlemanly beverage and have the buffet.  You win, right?  Yeah.

ThunderGod91 says, “My dear friend Brandon, I apologize for my absence on the show as of late.  However, I don’t know if Jodi told you yet, I have your cigars and will send them shortly.  Due to their price, I will keep 10 out of the 20 [laughs] that I bought for you.”  [laughs]  Hey, that’s totally fine.  I really appreciate the thought and the sentiment.  I will, of course, smoke them on this program just for you.  And they can be a little pricey.  A cigar habit is not a cheap one.  That’s why I encourage you to not make it a habit.  Make it a gentlemanly pastime, but not a habit.  So thank you.  Thank you very much, anyway.  MapleJellify says, “Oxhorn, this is my first time here.  What happened to all your shows and songs?”  My friend, my shows and songs exist in the cloud.  They are on the incredible YouTube zeppelin that is floating in a cloud right now.  They are on Oxhorn.com, a wonderful repository of everything that I have ever created.  And the rest of it is all in my mind.  And sometimes, if you come to this program, you will hear a few snippets—a bit here, a bit there—of the brilliance that is to come from Oxhorn movies.  I have not stopped making Oxhorn movies or Oxhorn music.  I have much more to give.  Stay tuned.  [pause]

Smoke rings.  [pause]  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  I know that this is called Scotch and Smoke Rings, but I don’t have any scotch.  I feel bad.  This is my scotch container and, as you can see, it’s empty.  I got through all my scotch.  I do, however, have the Kraken.  And my brother is not here, so we are not in fear of someone overindulging.  I will drink the Kraken in a gentlemanly fashion.  Are you ready?  Getting the ice out of there.  What are you drinking, ladies and gentlemen, this fine Friday evening?  What is on your mind and on your plate?  There we go.  Swish it around a little bit.  Chill it up.  Ghoulbreath says, “So Ox, what have I missed?  I apologize for my absence from last week’s show.”  You missed a lot.  Every week is a week of activity here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  So much happens that if you miss a week, well, it’s pretty much like starting from scratch.  There is plenty that you missed but it’s all, thankfully, recorded in video form at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Click on the Episodes and you will be able to watch Episode 159, which was last week’s episode and you’ll be able to catch up really quickly on everything that happened.
All right, I do have announcements, ladies and gentlemen.  I do have announcements.  So for those who don’t know, I gave a sneak peek about this many weeks ago to my fans.  But today, or actually the beginning of this week was the week that I officially announced that I’m giving away ten free tickets to the World Battle.net Championships in Shanghai, China.  That’s right.  Blizzard came to me and said, “Oxhorn, you have an awesome fan base.  We would like to give your fans free tickets to attend the 2012 Battle.net World Championships in Shanghai, China.”  And I said, “O RLY?”  And they said, “YA RLY.”   And we had a gentlemanly exchange of Reddit language and I ended up getting the tickets.  So I’ve got a whole bunch of tickets to give away.  I know that they are in high demand.  But this is in China.  Yes, China, as in the nation that is that way, a very long ways.  The nation that was until recently a non-capitalistic communism—but you can’t really call it communism today because they embrace capitalist ideals.  It’s more like a capitalistic imperialism.  I don’t even know.  But, yes, that China with the proverbial Shanghai.  That is where this is all taking place.  And I will be sending ten of you there.  Now, I can’t pay your plane tickets or your hotel rooms or your taxi cabs or your cars or your food or your entertainment.  I can’t pay for everything.  Basically, I’m not giving you free money.  But what I am giving you are free tickets.  That’s it.  Just the tickets so that when you arrive, you can walk through the door, pull this out, and say, “Hello.  I am an Oxhorn fan.  Here is my pass.  Step away, sir.  I am going to see the gaming.”  That is what I am giving you the ability to do.

Now if you are of the appropriate age—probably over 18—if you have a passport and it’s active, if you have the finances and the time to buy the plane tickets, make the reservation at the hotel, spend however long it is for this event, and then make it back in time for work or school, if all of those things, you meet all of those requirements, then and only then may you email me and ask for a free ticket.  I’ve already given away four.  I know, right?  I’ve given away four out of the ten tickets.  I only have six left.  It’s a first come, first serve basis.  If you want to go and you can go, please email me at [email protected] or use the Contact Me button that’s kind of floating around on this page somewhere.  It’s either over there or over there.  Might be up here.  But it says Contact Me.  Click on that, send me a message saying that you want to go.  If you want it, however, you have to include your Battle.net ID and your full name.  So John Awesome Smith, Battle.net ID [email protected].  You’ve got to give me that so that I can give it to Blizzard and then they will give you the ticket.  That’s how this works.  Remember, only email me if you really intend to go.  Because if you do and you don’t intend to go, then you will be taking a ticket away from a fellow gamer and you don’t want to do that.  That is bad gaming karma and the gaming fairies will smite you with anti-gaming dust or something.  So that’s the deal.  Huge giveaway here at Oxhorn.com.  Hope you guys can all ago.  I hope I can give away all ten tickets because it would be awesome to have a huge Oxhorn showing in Shanghai, China.  I’ve never been to China.  I want to go someday.  I’ll send you guys in my stead.  “When is it?” says nethehholyhammer.  Sir, I forget.  Hold on.  I’ve got to relight my cigar.  This is important.  It’s Scotch and Smoke Rings, not Scotch and watch Oxhorn yabber on.  [pause]  When is it?  Good question.  You know what I’m going to do to answer that?  I’m going to go to my website where I posted many links that give you more details about this event.  And I’m going to click on one.  Let’s see.  What happens if I click here?  Oh, I’m at the Battle.net website, where I can get full event details.  And I discover that this event takes place November 17th and 18th in Shanghai, China.  17th and 18th, November 17th and 18th.

Jaw77 says, “You a bit drunk there, Brandon?  LOL.”  No, this is me every day.  Look, I still have a completely full glass.  I have taken maybe two sips.  If I’m acting in an odd and bizarre manner, it just means I’m an odd and bizarre guy.  Come on.  Come on.  [pause]  Greg Hartung says, “Shanghai, where dogs are treated with some sort of respect and not eaten.”  I wouldn’t know.  All right.  I know that you guys can hear me, because I’m getting some of your responses.  But some of you are saying that the audio is either poor or too low.  So what I’m going to do is I’m going to turn down my music.  There, music has now been turned down.  Please let me know if the audio quality is not satisfactory, and if it’s not, then I will do something to fix it.  Any by do something to fix it, I, of course, mean ignore it until after the show.  Yeah.  [pause]  Yeah, if you guys are on Twitch TV, my friends, do what Maple Jellify says and hit mute and then unmute.  Sounds better now?  It’s fixed?  Better?  Okay, good.  Great, so the music was just too loud.  Fantastic.  Well, I’m so glad it’s better.

Okay, there’s too much air in here, which is why I can’t do the smoke rings.  Hold on.  Fan is off.  Here we go.  [pause]  Not bad, huh?  All right, fan back on.  I don’t want to inhale the smoke.  I just want to blow smoke rings.  All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you today.  Lots to go through, but first, first, I want to go over something that I found the other day.  I tweeted it out, so if many of you have followed me on Twitter and on Facebook, you probably read this already, so my apologies ahead of time if I’m boring you with repetition.  But I found an interesting study by Oxford University where they did an actually study on not cigarette smoke, but cigar smokers.  This is one of the first studies that has actually tackled cigar smoke as opposed to just nicotine in general.  Everybody does all these studies on cigarette smoke and how horrible it is.  Then they assume that everything else, including cigars and tobacco, will replicate the same events.  But the truth is not there.  Basically, if you check out the study that I linked out, it shows you that, yes, if you smoke cigars, your risk for larynx and tonsil and esophagus cancers, cancers of the mouth, increase five times, but only if you smoke five cigars a day or more and you inhale, right?  That’s how they did this study.  It’s really interesting.  They’re like, “Oh, yeah.  Cigars are horrible for you, if you smoke five of them each day and inhale the smoke.”  And I’m sitting here like, OK.  First of all, classy cigar smoking gentlemen smoke one, maybe two, a week.  And you don’t inhale the smoke.  That’s just a rule of cigar smoking.  It’s been that way since the foundation of cigar smoking.  You take the smoke into your mouth like this [pause] and you expel it.  You do not inhale it.  It never touches your lungs.  You don’t swallow it.  You just take it into your mouth, [pause] and you expel it.  So, interesting study.  I sent it out for any of you who want to learn more about it.  Just a heads up.

Greg Hartung says, “I might go to Seattle next summer.  I’m hoping for a guest appearance on Scotch and Smoke Rings.”  My friend, if you do come to Seattle, let me know.  And by all means, you have a guest seat waiting for you here at Scotch and Smoke Rings.  Long time fan, number one, of course you’re going to have a chance.  Just saying.  [pause]  Nethehholyhammer asks in the chat, “Oxhorn, I have a few questions.  Do you have Cataclysm WoW Model Viewer?”  And no, I don’t.  I have not upgraded to Cataclysm WoW Model Viewer.  I realize that I need to, if I’m going to continue to make machinima. Oh, Cataclysm.  I thought you meant—yes, I have upgraded to the Cataclysm WoW Model Viewer, not Mists of Pandaria.  I got confused.  Jaw77 says, “I’m a huge fan as well, Brandon.”  Well, then obviously you can co-host, too.  Just saying.  How about this, if you come to Seattle, co-hosts all around, all 100 of you in this room.  How’s that?  Nice?  Sweet.  Yeah?  Yeah, I think that sounds fair.  [pause]  Michael W says—Smith?  Michael W. Smith?  Michael W says, “Ox, are you planning on going to PAX?”  I would love to go to PAX.  I haven’t been in the past.  I have been to many conventions in the past, including DragonCon and Blizzcon and Casual Connect and E3.  All sorts of cons.  I haven’t been to PAX.  So yeah, I’m going to have to check out the details to see if I can go to PAX.

ElToroGuaco says, “Oxhorn, if you pay for the trip, I’ll come.”  Ah ha ha.  Oh, isn’t that—yeah, I’m not paying for anybody’s trip.  [laughs]  Not going to happen.  I can barely—look, if I could pay for everybody’s trips, I would be going to Shanghai, China myself because I would love to go to this thing, but I can’t because it’s an expensive trip.  I’m saying for hotel rooms and for plane tickets for the entire family, we’re talking—what—$2000, $3000 for two days in Shanghai, China?  And food and cars?  That’s an expensive trip, which is why I’m giving the tickets away to you so that you have to pay the price.  Ha ha ha ha.  [pause] Maple Jelly says, “Oxhorn needs to meet TotalHalibut.”  My friend, TotalHalibut and I are buddies.  Back when he was hosting his own radio program on WoW Radio, I was a regular interviewee on his program.  Of course, back then he was called Total Biscuit.  I don’t know why he changed his name to TotalHalibut.  Biscuits are way better than halibut.  Who wants to smell and taste like fish?  Just doesn’t make sense.  But, whatever.  That’s his choice.  Lepidus1991 says, “I am trying Adobe Premiere Pro CS6 for the first time.  Should I upgrade to do the one year plan or should I just do the upgrade?”  It depends.  If you plan on making video editing a profession, if this is your profession and you plan to make money at it, then yes, buy the subscription.  It will pay off in the long run.  If, however, you’re a hobbyist and you don’t really have a monetary plan set in place and you don’t plan to do this professionally, then no.  Buy the software once or rent it from your university or something like that and tinker with it and then don’t pay for the subscription because over time, it will not be worth it.

Snavila says, “Oxhorn, sorry, after moving, my internet is just not—it’s too bad to watch.  Keep well, and I’ll try to make it next week when my internet is at normal speed.”  My friend, it was a pleasure to have you here and I hope to see you again next week.  [pause]  Yeah, there’s a fan in here.  That’s why.  [pause]  Oh, interesting question. The Dan Man says, “Do you consider yourself a hobbyist, Ox?”  Interesting question.  [pause]  I’m going to have to go ahead and say yes, that I do.  Now, granted, I do use video editing equipment often for work.  I work as the marketing manager for a company here in Seattle.  In addition to video editing, I do copy writing, I do social media, I do inbound marketing, I do SEO.  I do all sorts of stuff.  But, video editing is part of my arsenal.  However, I never do that at home.  I always use the work computers to create my videos for work.  So when I’m at home, I only ever do my video editing for the Oxhorn stuff.  Now, I do make money on my Oxhorn stuff, a very little bit of money—not a whole lot—in the form of Google ads.  But is that enough money to justify purchasing a subscription?  I don’t know.  I haven’t really made that step yet.  So yes, I would say that I am a hobbyist.  [pause]  Jaw77 says, “Are you excited about the new Hobbit movie coming out?”  Absolutely.  I heard that, recently, it is now going to be a three-part movie.  It was originally a one-part movie.  Then it became a two movie film.  And then finally they just said, “Screw it.  We’re going to do a Lord of the Rings thing and turn The Hobbit, a children’s novel that was one novel, into a three-part movie.”  And, you know, everyone at work was really upset.  They were like, this is lame.  Peter Jackson, why are you turning it into a three-part movie?  There’s not enough content for The Hobbit to be a three-part movie.  But look, I’m excited, honestly.  I loved The Hobbit.  I love everything Tolkien.  I love everything fantasy, as does my wife.  I’m honestly not upset that there’s going to be more Peter Jackson movie to watch.  So yeah, three movies.  I’m looking forward to it.  It’s going to be a lot of fun.

All right.  I did get a fan art submission here.  All right, hold on.  I’ve got to comment.  [pause]  All right.  I’ve got to show you this piece of fan art submitted by Jonith.  Jonathan.  Here we have World of Warcraft, Oxhorn edition.  Nice.  That was by Jonathan Hitch.  Thank you very much, Jonathan Hitch.  You know, World of Warcraft, Oxhorn edition would definitely be better than World of Warcraft, panda edition.  Just saying.  Just saying.  No, there’s no hate.  I’m not hating.  It’s just one of those irrefutable facts.  Can’t really argue about them.  An Oxhorn edition would be infinitely better than the panda edition.  Just saying.  [pause]  HStar, good to see you here.  He says, “How odd this didn’t load for me.”  So you had to click Play?  Yeah, that’s one of the things about ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Ever since I switched to Twitch TV, it doesn’t automatically play.  You do, actually, have to press the play button.  So, it’s frustrating, I know.  But you have to do that for most movies, right, when you’re online?  You’ve got to click the play button.  [pause]  Oh, it played for you automatically?  Wow.  All right, I’m confused.  Whatever.  I don’t even know.  I’m not a web designer.  Don’t ask me.  I just smoke cigars and look pretty in front of a camera.  [pause]

Cheers, ladies and gentlemen.  Bottoms up.  Bring your scotch glasses to the forefront and tip them back in a gentlemanly swig.  Chucaca says, “Oxhorn, how are you surviving in this heat?  How about the wife and baby?”  So, my house does not have air conditioning.  It doesn’t.  And I’m on top of a hill.  It’s sweltering.  Super sweltering.  But there was no way I was going to let my wife and baby suffer in this heat.  So I went out and bought a $120 single room air conditioner and installed it in the bedroom.  So my wife and baby camp out in the bedroom, in the air conditioned bedroom where it’s nice and cool.  But the rest of the house is just intolerable.  And here I am in the office with no air conditioning, in a very small, cramped space with a dozen different hard drives, three computers plugged in, two giant monitors, and two lamps providing the background ambient lighting.  And I’m kind of sweating up a storm.  I don’t know if you noticed, but my hair up here is getting sort of—yeah.  Trying to hide it, but it’s kind of like—it’s OK.  I have ice in my rum, and that’s more than enough.  [pause]  [laughs]  Great question.  Jaw77 asks, “So, I always wondered, where did you get that bowler hat, Brandon?  I want one.”  Well, it just so happens that if you look to the top of ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, you are going to see a little button that says Shop.  If you click on that button that says Shop, there’s another button that says Hats.  If you click on Hats, you’re going to see not one, but two different bowler hats from which you can choose.  You can purchase them from my website, and I get a little bit—like five whole bucks.  So, if you want a hat and you want to contribute to the show, just saying, there’s the shop.  The Dan Man says, “Mike the Hatter?”  Yes.  Mike the Hatter is indeed a fantastic place to get hats as well.  I just don’t get any money if they sell one.  [pause]

[laughs]  Lotharu says, “This heat with no AC is like being lost in the Barrens with Staghorn.”  Oh how pertinent that is.  [laughs]  That is, indeed, a horror.  Especially since he doesn’t wash his armor.  Ew.  Whew.  The Dan Man says, “Hey, Ox, if I buy an Ox Shop hat, would you autograph it?”  If we ever bump into each other in real life, then yes.  But sadly, Amazon powers my shop, so it goes directly from Amazon to your door.  I don’t actually get to touch it. [pause] This is a fine cigar.  This is a Rocky Patel.  And for those who don’t know, Rocky Patel is one of the premier brands when it comes to the cigar field.  Rocky Patels are coveted for their flavor, their lightness and yet firmness in the hand, and they also do a box-pressed cigar very well.  I’ve had a hard time finding box-pressed cigars that I like as much as this Rocky Patel.  Nica Libre is a very fine box-pressed cigar.  That One Guy says, “Scotch and Smoke Rings on Friday?  Blasphemy.”  Indeed, blasphemy.  It’s pretty horrible.  I don’t really understand it myself, but it had something to do with Lake Washington, a yacht and me in a tweed jacket.  So, I can’t give the full details, but that’s the reason why.  Greg Hartung is giving us the etymology behind the word “hatter,” which is great.  I mean, that’s absolutely true.  Another little known fact is that back in the 1800s and early 1900s, derbies like this were not soft on top.  They actually were incredibly hard because people wore them as helmets.  When you were riding on your horse, if you fell, you didn’t want to crack your head open.  So the derby was hard.  It was still cloth, they just layered it or something and soaked it in starch to make it hard.

The Dan Man says, “Nobody knows what a haberdasher is anymore.”  I beg to differ.  There are some people that know what a haberdasher is.  What’s a cobbler?  Actually, we all play fantasy games.  Of course we know what haberdashers and cobblers are.  [laughs]  Lotharu says, “Hey, Ox, my youngest just got his first tooth.”  Well, congratulations to you and your youngest.  You are now in for a bunch of screamy nights, right?  What are you going to do to soothe the gums now that teeth are growing out of them?  I’ve heard that a little scotch on the gums fixes them right up.  But they kind of are children, so don’t know if that’s legal.  I haven’t tried it myself, honestly, but rub a little scotch on the gums of a baby when he’s teething—I don’t know.  You can try it out and let me know, not that I’m advocating such a thing, of course.  Oh, Roxers Boxers says it works.  All right, so we’ve got some firsthand experience here.  [laughs]  Nethehholyhammer says, “Scotch is your answer for everything.”  Look, there is really little that scotch can’t answer.  Need to grow a beard?  A little scotch on the cheeks.  Cure a baby’s crying when he’s teething?  A little scotch on the gums.  Need to impress a lady friend?  Dump an entire glass of scotch in her lap.  She’ll be yours forever.  “What about a crashed computer?” asks TheRantus.  Unplug it, put the power cord in a glass of scotch, obviously.  Come on.  Cardon says, “Scotch: the duct tape of liquids.”  Yes.  Yes, indeed.  [laughs]  Greg Hartung says, “What happened to Gaelic Storm on the show?”  I used to play Gaelic Storm quite often on the show, but I would get in trouble from YouTube whenever I tried to upload my videos to YouTube.  They would say, “Oh, you’re playing Gaelic Storm?  OK, well this music is copyrighted by Gaelic Storm so therefore, you can’t actually have it on your show.”  And I’m like, “Well, you know what they might not have copyright stuff from?  Songs from the twenties and thirties.”  So yeah, that’s what I’m playing.  [pause]

Nethehholyhammer says, “I want to grow a beard like yours so badly.  And I did do the scotch thing, but it doesn’t work.”  Patience, my friend.  Keep doing it until you’re about 21, and I promise you you’ll get a little bit of scruff and it’ll totally be because if the scotch and not because of genetics and age.  Yeah, I’m sure.  That’s it.  A couple more years till you’re 21, on the chin.  Don’t question the Oxhorn.  Just saying.  [pause]  [laughs]  Jaw77 says, “I’m already looking like you, Brandon.  I’m 20.”  Oh, I’m so sorry.  I mean, that is awesome, my friend.  I am so glad.  Cheers to you and bottoms up.  [laughs]  Nethehholyhammer says, “All right.  I also heard that shaving helps grow a beard.  Is that true?”  It’s actually not.  That is an urban myth.  Now, the reason people think it’s true is because when you shave your beard for the first time, the beard grows back coarser because the fine, tapered ends of the hair shaft are chopped off so that it comes out really blunt.  It looks thicker, but you’re not growing any actual new strands of hair.  You have the same about of number.  They’re completely determined by genetics.  And scotch.  So it may look thicker, but it’s not.  It’s not actually thicker.  I recommend, you know, shave if you’re just doing the greasy string or just the patches here and there.  Until you’re old enough to really develop the full beard.   Then let that beast free.  TheRantus, I don’t understand what you’re saying is a lie.  I just said scotch.  I do not lie, my friend.  I don’t even lie about not lying.  I don’t even lie about lying about not lying, or lying about not lying about not lying about not lying.  That’s how much I don’t lie.  Fact.  Oxhorn is it.  Shaving does not help it grow.  I’m serious.  Google it.  Google, “Does shaving help my beard grow.”  You will find reference after reference that says, no, it does not help it grow.  HStar says, “Are you lying about that?”  No, I am not lying about not lying about not lying about not lying about that.  That’s just the way I don’t lie.  [laughs]

“Is that a Queen of Heart lamp?” says Jaw77.  Yes.  It is the Queen of Hearts.  It was my wife’s and I like it, so I put it in my office.  [pause]  Ghoulbreath says, “Can you make a short short about scotch solving all problems?”  That probably would go viral, huh?  Is your plant dying?  Pour a little scotch on it.  Right?  That would actually be a great video.  I need to do that.  All right, you know what?  I just realized that I’m not taking a look at my Twitch.tv comments.  All right, ladies and gentlemen.  My apologies.  I’d better take a look at this.  [pause]  Are there any?  There may not even be any.  There we go.  Oh, no.  Oh, no.  What does that mean?  Oh, it means I’ve got to login.  Crap.  Oh, well.  I’m not going to login. I’m doing just fine without logging in.  I don’t need to login.  Although, I should check my Twitter comments.  Are there any Twitter comments?  Let’s see.  Shyster112 says, “Dearest Oxhorn, how are you this fine night?  I’m into my second week of school and it’s exhausting.  Drink and smoke tonight and hi, Zug Zug.”  He’s, of course, referring to my beard.  My beard’s name is Zug Zug, just so you know.  This happened last week.  That’s what you missed, Ghoulbreath.  They named by beard for me and they named it Zug Zug.  So, Zug Zug is doing very fine, Shyster.  Pleasure to have you again on Twitter, as always.  Sorry about the whole school thing.  I understand that it is frustrating.  I recall back in the ancient days of square wheels and me being in school that it was quite frustrating at times and that teachers just made up things to keep you busy that were really irrelevant.  I should’ve just—I don’t know—been trained how to fix tires and fix cars instead.  Who needs Greek, right?  But I hope you can make it through, Shyster.  It’s just a few years of your life and then you’re out of school forever.  Jaw77 says, “You do look a bit like Fred Flintstone, Brandon.  Lol.”  Wilma.  Grumack says, “Facebook, Ox?”  OK.  You’re right, I need to look at Facebook.  Now, usually I look at the Facebook comments on ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, because if you scroll down a little bit, there’s a comments section.  You can comment with your Facebook page or profile.  And that is what I tend to read when I’m trying to find my comments from my fine Facebook followers.

All right, let’s see if you’ve made any comments on the Facebook machine.  AutoCAD.  AutoCAD is a good thing to learn when you’re in school.  Sam Nichols says, “Ox, did you see the Pandaria cinematic trailer?”  I have seen that it has been released, but I have not seen the trailer yet.  So no, I haven’t.  I heard that it’s amazing.  I really do want to see it.  You know, the cinema-graphic team at Blizzard is really impressive.  I know a lot of the guys on that team.  They work very hard.  They slave away everyday to make awesome machinima for their game and cinematics for the game.  So I have no doubt that it is amazing.  But I haven’t seen it yet.  I’ll have to watch it after the show.  [pause]  ElToroGuaco, that’s just rude.  That’s not classy.  You don’t talk about those kind of liquids.  Talk about classy liquids like scotch or rum, in this case.  Cheers, and bottoms up.  [pause]  The Dan Man says, “I still have my certification from AutoDesk.  It got me a few jobs.”  Look, you know, congratulations.  That is, of course, the hidden secret about academia.  The jobs are not in things you learn at school.  Unless you get a trade degree or you become a computer scientist or you learn five different types of calculus, there are really no jobs in anything you learn from school, especially in the humanities and in anthropology and in social work and all of that stuff.  There are so many people that have those degrees that the market is absolutely flooded.  So if you actually want a job out of college, it’s got to be science or math.  That’s the way it is.  Science, math, or trade school.  I wish it weren’t so.  I was a humanities major.   I majored in history.  I studied ancient Greek and Latin and Swedish, for some reason.  I thought that was brilliant at the time, Swedish.  But [speaking Swedish], which is always good because of all the Swedish I have to speak here in Seattle.  Actually, this place was founded by Scandinavians.  So when I go to Ballard where I work, I can go to Scandinavian shops and say, [speaking Swedish].  I know it sounds naughty, but I’m basically saying I must have your best cake.  That’s what I said.  Where was I?

Maple Jelly said, “Oxhorn, who did the voice for that one undead dude in all of your videos?”  Me.  I did.  I did almost all my voices.  Let’s see.  My brother did the voice of the hippie elf.  Nathan, the awesome composer friend of mine, did some of the character voices from smaller characters.  And I really did all the others.  Oh, my buddy Mark, he did the voice of Staghorn.  But I did Mortuus, Oxhorn, the Master of Euphemisms, Associate Professor Evil, Hat.  I did all those voices.  Mark also did Lacy, by the way, of course.  [laughs]  [pause]  That’s right.  If you do want to comment using your Facebook account, scroll down and post your comment in that field there and I’ll see it.  We got one from Christian.  He says, “The Ginge here.  I stay up until 4:00am for these shows and it is well worth the lost sleep.”  My friend, I’m so glad you are here tonight.  Kudos to all of my East Coast and international fans, especially the ones in Scandinavia and England.  I know you guys are really, really sleepy right now.  But I really appreciate you guys staying up to hang with me on this fine Friday night.  [laughs] nethehholyhammer says, “Hey, Ox, who voiced Oxhorn in the very first “Inventing Swear Words”? “  And Shyster responds by saying, “That was Mark AKA Staghorn.”  True story.  The very first “Inventing Swear Words” I did, I didn’t do the voice for Oxhorn.  My friend, Mark, did his voice because at the time, I didn’t think that I could do voice acting.  I was never in drama in high school.  I never took acting in college or anything.  So at the time, I’m like, okay, I’ll make these videos and get my buddies to do the voices.  And I went to Mark and he was willing, so he did that.  But for the second movie, he was not willing to do more than one voice because it took a lot out of him.  I understand.  It’s a lot of effort and stress to do voice acting for an animated video on YouTube.  So he only did Staghorn and I’m like, all right, I guess I’ve got to do Oxhorn.  So I pretty much made Oxhorn my own voice.  I just kind of gruffed it up a little bit.  Hey, man.  That’s really all I did—is talked like this—and that’s Oxhorn.  And it’s okay.  Yeah, I can do voice acting a little bit.  Associate Professor Evil is my favorite because I can be evil.  For some reason, whenever I try and be evil with my voice, I always cop a fake British accent.  Does that say something about my psyche towards British people?  No.  I love British people and I don’t think they’re all evil.  Just saying.  I am an American, all right?  We fought a Revolutionary War.  I have some of these things hard coded into my genetic material.  [pause]

That One Guy says, “Hey, Ox, I just got my culinary degree.  If I were to send you and all those who help you on your productions, would you actually receive it?”  Send me what?  Bacon?  Yes.  I would receive the bacon and I would consume because there is very little in life that is better than bacon.  Greg Hartung says, “Can you give me an invigorating Barnaby?”  Invigorating, huh?  How do I make Barnaby invigorating?  I can do a terrifying Barnaby, like I’m summoning him, the giant, evil Barnaby to do my bidding.  All right.  Barnaby.  [clears throat]  Yes.  Barnaby.  Muahahaha.  Lieutenant Colonel Virtue and his favorite friend, Barnaby, they’ve got a unique relationship.  He basically calls him to kill people.  That’s why he’s evil, right?  Greg Hartung says, “That’s what I meant.  Yeah.”  Ghoulbreath says, “I looked away and you scared me.”   I’m so sorry, Ghoulbreath.  You’ve got to blame it on the fans.  They asked for it.  Oh, no.  Your ears.  I should’ve warned you ahead of time.  I should’ve said turn the volume down just a little bit.  I’m about to say Barnaby at the top of my vocal register.  The Novel Peace Prize?  [laughs]  Oh.  Wait, I’m confused.  Right.  Shyster 111 says, “Ox, could you do a Hat impression?  Do it for the exterminator.”  Now, why would I do Hat the Singing Turtle for the exterminator?  The Panda Exterminator?  Because he exterminates pandas.  My beautiful wife, Nova Domina, says, “Sorry I’m so late.  I’ve been dealing with your cranky son.”  I know.  Baby Gavin is in the other room being cranky.  Hopefully he has now calmed down.  Thank you, honey.  I wish you were here with me.  I’ve got a cigar for you, but I understand baby needs attention.  [laughs]  Singing for the exterminator?  Oh.  I don’t get it.  I still don’t get it.  [pause]  He’s sitting there watching?  Hi, Baby Gavin.  This is your daddy.  I’m speaking at you through a camera in another room, smoking a cigar.  You can’t touch these for many, many years.  Just saying.  [pause]

[laughs]  ElToroGuaco says, “Can you do the orcs in space voices, Ox?”  TheRantus says, “Good example, Ox.”  Look, TheRantus, he’s a baby.  He’s two months old, all right?  Yeah.  That’s why I’m in this room.  ElToroGuaco, yes, I did the voices for the orcs in space.  However, I pitched them down significantly so that they were slower.  Basically, Dink’s voice, the green orc in space, is basically Hat.  It’s just Hat’s voice slowed down by ten percent.  And then the other guy, Dr. Strange Orc, has just got an Australian accent pitched down ten percent.  Jaw77 says, “Who did the gnomes?  Wasn’t that someone else?”  No.  The gnomes were me.  Those were the mighty morphin’ midget gnomes.  Hop up up up up.  Yes, I pitched them up a bit, too, about five to ten percent as well.  That’s little people gnomes.  Yes, nethehholyhammer.  [laughs]  Thanks for reminding me, Nova.  I did wish him a happy birthday.  I told him happy birthday, nethehholyhammer.  Lotharu asks, “Ox, can you send me a how-to guide for machinima?”  I actually created a series of step by step tutorial machinima videos that I published back in 2008.  They’re on WeGame.com.  Just go to WeGame and search for Oxhorn’s machinima tutorials and you’ll find all of them there.  I think that there are six of them, so feel free to go through those and learn how to do machinima.  [pause]  We game.  We game.  We game.  Ah, fun times back in California.  OK, Shyster111 says, “I’m sad now.  Ox forgot to impersonate Hat.”  All right.  Hold on.  Greetings, gents.  [singing]  Hat the singing turtle.  I think sometimes I pitch his voice up just a little bit, one or two percent.  But more or less, it’s just that sort of high-pitched thing.  [laughs].  There you go.   I’m glad, TheRantus.

Ah, Jako says, “Ox, I haven’t watched the show for ages.  Do you still do the segment with the songmaking phone app?”  I haven’t actually done that segment in a very long time.  I suppose I should.  All right.  Let’s see.  Songify.  If I still have it on my phone.  Oh, I do.  All right, what should I sing?  Or what should I say into this magical machine?  What should I Songify?  I could Songify Hat’s song.  I could Songify saying Barnaby.  I could Songify the drunken Scotsman song?  I am the Panda Exterminator?  Dance, fellas, dance?  Hat’s song?  All right.  We’re getting a Hat’s Song.   All right, here we go.  Songify it.  I’ve got to press tap to record.  [pause]  [singing]  Well, if you want your gratting blit to chak your wolshing flak.  But you want to see his wolsh bloit you in the back.  You should treat him kindly and of this we must agree.  Lest that wolshing gratting blit go bloit you in the back.  Hey.   All right, it’s rendering.  It’s producing magic here.  Here we go.  Well, if you want your gratting blit to chak your wolshing flak.  But you want to see his wolsh bloit you in the back.  You should treat him kindly and of this we must agree.  Lest that wolshing gratting you in the back.  You should treat him kindly and of this we must agree.  Lest that wolshing gratting blit go bloit you in the back.  Hey. Oh, Well, if you want your gratting blit to chak your wolshing flak.  But you want to see his wolsh bloit you in the back.  Yeah.  Well, if you want your gratting blit to chak your wolshing flak.  But you want to see his wolsh bloit you in the back.  You should treat him kindly and of this we must agree.  Ah, that’s bad.  Oh, that was painful.  OK.

So, let’s try a different one.  How about this?  How about I speak the lyrics to the pandas song, right?  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.   All right.  Yeah, we’ll try that.  Huh?  Here we go.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  I’m a little panda bear, sitting in my panda chair.  When the lady pandas come, they laugh and dance and ha ha ha ha. We are little panda bears, sit—uh, panda chairs.  Let’s all find some cutie bugs and have a fluffy time.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  I’m a flippin’ panda.  Check out my panda powers.  All right.  Try that.  Rendering.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  I’m a little panda bear, sitting in my panda chair.  When the lady pandas come, they laugh and dance and ha ha ha ha. Here we go.   [laughs]  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Oh, that’s awful.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  I’m a little panda bear, sitting in my panda chair.  When the lady pandas come, they laugh and dance and ha ha ha ha.  That laugh sounds horrible.  We are little panda bears, sit—uh, panda chairs.  Let’s all find some cutie bugs and have a fluffy time.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  Pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas, pandas.  I’m a flippin’ panda.  Check out my panda powers.  All right.  Try that.

All right.  So, there you go.  That was Songify.  Everybody’s favorite segment here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, where the asinine and ridiculous becomes art.  Ghoulbreath says, “This is going to sound really silly, but can you put this on iTunes?”  I suppose I could.  [laughs]  Be a little embarrassed to put it on iTunes, got to say.  [laughs]  Greg Hartung says, “To clarify, oh, oh, that’s right.  To clarify, Oxhorn, Time Gnomes is a mildly humorous WoW machinima created a few years ago.”  I remember Time Gnomes.  I had a few interesting conversations with the fellows who made it.  Yeah, they didn’t really appreciate their fan base, if I recall.  But they did have a mildly interesting series.  [pause]  Nethehholyhammer says, “So, Oxhorn, the birthday dance party.  What do you say?”  Are you wanting a birthday dance party?  I’ll dance for you if you really want.  All right, here we go.  [pause]  All right, that’s all I can do.  Sorry.  That’s it.  My dancing capacity has been expended.  Yeah.  Yeah.  I did try.  That was me trying.  That was the height of Oxhorn’s dancing capacity.  I gave it my all, man.  Didn’t you appreciate my art?  I can only have so many skills, OK?  Singing, machinima, all of that’s great.  But dancing, there’s a reason I have not danced on camera until now.  [laughs]  OK, thanks.  Jaw77 says that he appreciated it.  Well, fine.  Somebody appreciated my moves.  Dance slave?  Oh, oh, man.  Hurts, Shyster.  Hurts.  You want me to make that a regular thing?  [laughs]  The next regular scheduled segment here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com is Oxhorn dances.  I don’t think I can do it justice without a zoot suit.  Send me a zoot suit, and I’m all in.

The Dan Man says, “Hey, Oxhorn, you should make Hat the Singing Turtle postcards for us to send to you from all over the world.”  That’s actually a great idea because, I mean, Hat really does send me postcards from all over the world because he really is traveling and he has been for many years now.  He’s on vacation, an extended vacation.  He’s exploring the world.  But yeah, that’s a great idea.  I should actually have some postcards where you could pay 15 cents or something and send me one.  That’d be great.  I’d show them off on the show.  Here’s the latest postcard from Hat.  Great idea, The Dan Man.  You’re a marketing genius.  Devonari says, “If you get a zoot suit, you’ve got to dance “Zoot Suit Riot.”  [singing]  Zoot suit riot, throw back a bottle of scotch.  Scotch is far more classy than beer, although dark beers can be classy in moderation.  But light beers?  There’s nothing classy about light beer.  It’s like—I won’t say what it looks like.  Just saying.  Minime says, “These Hat postcards are going to be great.”  Wow, I think your idea is catching on, The Dan Man.  I guess I’m going to have to do it.  [laughs]  Nethehholyhammer says, “And Ox, by dance party I meant dance around in Orgrimmar.  Look, my friend, I can’t actually go to Orgrimmar.   I’d have to call Keanu Reeves and he’d have to bring his Matrix machine and then they’d have to drill a hole in my head, and I’d have to sit back.  It would just take up too much time and I don’t think I can really do that.  But I did dance for you, so there was your dance party in celebration of your birthday and I hope you liked it.  From the heart.  [pause]

“Ox, do you play Team Fortress 2?” says Jakos.  And indeed, I do.  I love Team Fortress 2.  It’s one of my favorite FPSs.  In fact, I have never really been too keen on FPSs, mainly because I get killed all the time.  My beautiful wife is fantastic at FPSs.  She is a Halo goddess.  She gets on the Halo machine and just makes 13-year-old boys cry.  She makes boys cry.  That’s how good she is.  Me?  I’m not so good, unless I’m playing Team Fortress 2.  Then, get me behind a pyro or a heavy and we’re done talking.  Blade Brandire says, “I think you should Songify “Like the Game” next.”  That’s actually a great idea.  I don’t know if I can repeat all of the lyrics to “Like the Game” right now because that’s a very complicated song.  But yeah, that’s a good idea.  Maybe I’ll save that one for next week.  Oh, Jakos.  Oh, ouch.  Got me in the heart.  Halo, yeah.  It requires far more skill than Team Fortress 2.  I mean, honestly, Team Fortress 2, press one button to ignite the fire and run.  That’s all you do.  That’s why I’m good at it.  You just press one button and run.  OK, maybe two buttons if you have to actually jump.  Nova Domina says, “Jakos, I don’t have dreams of greatness.”  That’s true, because she is greatness.  She doesn’t have to dream about it.  Just saying.  Bottoms up.  Cheers.  Chin chin.  [pause]  ElToroGuaco says, “Dude, I know the lyrics to that song.  You should know it.  You made it.”  Revelation, when I make things—this is the way I operate—I’ll make something, put it on the internet, and then forget about it.  Honestly, that’s the entire story of “ROFLMAO”.  I was in college.  I had a three day weekend, so I made “ROFLMAO”.  I put it on YouTube and completely forgot about it.  Until three months later, somebody messaged me in World of Warcraft and said, “Dude, by the way,”—whoops.  Hold on a second.  Sorry about that.  I got some feedback.  But basically, somebody in World of Warcraft messaged me and said, “Dude, did you know that your “ROFLMAO” video has 3 million views?”  I’m like, ROFLMAO video—what—oh, that’s right.  Really?  3 million views?  And it was then that I realized that there was something to this machinima thing.  And so I continued to make them.

All right.  I don’t understand why I’m getting feedback here.  Is this the internet telling me that I need to stop the show?  There we go.  I think I stopped all the feedback.  All right, we’re good to go.  I realize that it’s 8:00, but I still have a cigar.  So I’m going to go until either I finish the cigar or it gets so hot in here that I melt or I get hungry and need to eat dinner.  I don’t know.  It’s one of those things.  [pause]  [laughs]  ElToroGuaco says, “You remind me of a Norwegian humor folk song artist that always forgets his own lyrics live.”  I tend to be that way.  I’ve memorized other people’s songs.  I’ve got Chop Suey, for example, down by heart.  I’ve got The Greatest Song in the World, by Tenacious D down, by heart.  But “Like the Game”, my own song—[singing]—Oxhorn, the game, duh na na na.  Oh, yeah.  Oh, yeah.  See?  I’ve already forgotten some of the lyrics.  Jaw77 says, “I’ve been told that I look like Jack Black.”  I get that, too.  Although, I get a lot of things.  I get Jack Black, Galifianakis, Kevin Smith, that guy Notcht, or Notch or whatever his name is from Minecraft.  Everybody confuses me with him, for some reason.  I should probably Google him, see what he looks like.  Maybe I really do look like him.  I don’t know.  [pause]

Do “Tribute’?  You guys want me to do “Tribute”?  All right.  Because I have it by memory, I will do “Tribute” for you, if I can pause my music.  [pause]  All right, time for “Tribute”.  However, I won’t be doing “Tribute” in the traditional way.  I will, of course, be doing “Tribute” with Songify.  See how this goes.  Maybe it’ll be better.  All right.  So how does it start again?  Oh, yeah.  This is the greatest and best song in the world, tribute.  A long time ago, me and my buddy, Kyle, here, we were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road.  Until all of a sudden there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road.  And he said, “Play the best song in the world, or I’ll eat your soul.”  Well, me and Kyle, we looked at each other and we each said, “Okay.”  So we played the first thing that came to our heads, and it just so happened to be the best song in the world.  It was the best song in the world.  Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see one and one makes two, two and one makes three.  It was destiny.  Once every hundred thousand years or so, when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow and grass doth grow.  Needless to say, the beast was stunned.  Whip lash went his frumpy tail, and the beast was done.  He asked us, “Be you angels?”  And we said, “Nay, we are but men.”  Rock.  Aaah.  Whoooa.  Whooa.  This is not the greatest song in the world.  No, this is just a tribute.  Couldn’t remember the greatest song in the world.  No.  No, this is just a tribute.  Whoa, to the greatest song in the world.  All right.  It was the greatest song in the world.  All right.  [skat] Greatest song in the world.  [skat]  And time’s up, so I’ve got to stop there.  All right, it’s rendering.   We’re going to see what sort of atrocity I have created with this thing.  You’ll enjoy it.  I’m just going to sit here with a hand over my face, embarrassed.  Naw, I’m going to smoke instead.

[pause]  Come on, app.  Here we go.  This is the greatest and best song in the world, tribute.  A long time ago, me and my buddy, Kyle, here, we were hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road.  Until all of a sudden there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road.  And he said, “Play the best song in the world, or I’ll eat your soul.”  Well, me and Kyle, we looked at each other and we each said, “Okay.”  So we played the first thing that came to our heads, and it just so happened to be the best song in the world.  It was the best song in the world.  Come on, really?  Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see one and one makes two, two and one makes three.  It was destiny.  Once every hundred thousand years or so, when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow and grass doth grow.  Wow, this is long.  Needless to say, the beast was stunned.  Whip lash went his frumpy tail, and the beast was done. It just repeats the tune, right?  He asked us, “Be you angels?”  And we said, “Nay, we are but men.”  Rock.  This is not the greatest song in the world. Ah, it cut’s out the— tribute. It cut it out.   A long time ago, me and my buddy, Kyle, here—And it goes all the way to the beginning, of the beginning.  We were hitchhiking down—Aw, bummer.   A long and lonesome road.  All the power vocals that I did are gone. Until all of a sudden there shined a shiny demon in the middle of the road.  And he said—Ah, well.

Well, there you go.  So that was me doing Jack Black.  Jaw77 said, “You did sound a little bit like Jack Black when you sung.  I tried, you know.  My brother and I, actually—I have to—HStar says, “My daughter is trying to wave at Ox and laughing.”  Hi, HStar’s daughter.  Glad you’re here.  Glad you’re laughing.  TheRantus says, “It was too epic for it to handle.”  Yeah, the app crashed because of that epicness of my Jack Black interpretation.  My brother and I, actually, this is one of our favorite songs.  And when we were younger, we would just sit in the car driving to wherever we were going, just blasting this song and “Chop Suey”, either one, belting it out as loud as we could.  The next time he’s on the program, we’re going to have to do this together.  You’ll see.  It’s a lot of fun.  [laughs]  Jonith says, “The live was better than the Songify.”  [laughs]  Well, good.  I appreciate it.  Thank you.  Tipping my hat.  Ponder1 says, “Hey, Ox.  Ha ha ha.  L”  Why are you crying, Ponder1?  Ponderer1?  No need for tears.  I’m still here.  Nethehholyhammer says, “Oxhorn, are you going to befriend your beard on Facebook?”  I probably should, although I haven’t found Zug Zug yet.  Maybe send me a link to Zug Zug and I’ll friend him.  [pause]  Jaw77 says, “Do that with ‘Sexy And I Know It’.”  Look, gentlemen don’t have to sing about how much they realize how sexy they are.  They don’t need to sing about it.  When you have a beard, it’s assumed, right?  [pause]  [laughs]

It’s 8:16 and I still have cigar left.  [pause]  Blade Brandire says, “Hey, Ox, what’s up with Scotch and Smoke Rings on Friday?  Did you change the date of the show?”  No, I did it today because yesterday I had a work function to go to.  Follow me on Twitter and Facebook.  I announced it there and I said that I was going to be postponing the show until today.  So if you ever want last minute updates on Scotch and Smoke Rings, follow me on Facebook and Twitter.  Twitter.com/Oxhorn, Facebook.com/OxhornPage, and you’ll be able to get my updates.  [pause]  [laughs]  ElToroGuaco says, “Sexy And I Know It is self-irony, though.  The singers, , are anything but sexy.”  I know.  I know.  That’s cool though, right?  If you can laugh about your own lack of physical attractiveness then, hey, you’ve got a career.  [pause]  Emily DK, I agree.  I’m just saying.  You’re right.  I like telling people when they’re right, and you are right.  I just want to point out that I poured this over an hour ago and I still have this much left.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you enjoy a gentlemanly beverage.  You don’t guzzle it all down.  You don’t go through an entire bottle in two hours.  No, you nurse it because you enjoy it.  That’s the way this goes.  [pause]

Jaw77 says, “Oxhorn, can you sing a little bit of the Tauren’s Kilt if you remember it?”  Yeah, let’s see.   Ghoulbreath asks, “Hey, Ox, I got into my school’s drum line and marching band.  What do you think is the classiest instrument?”  Pennywhistle, of course.  When I was in school, I played the trumpet, mainly because every male in my family played the trumpet.  My dad played the trumpet.  My brother played the trumpet.  My grandfather played the trumpet.  His sons played the trumpet.  We’re a family of trumpet players.  I enjoyed the trumpet, but I enjoy the pennywhistle more.  I also enjoy the banjo, even though I can’t play it.  And the accordion.  If you can join the band playing the accordion, the banjo, or the pennywhistle, you’re golden.  Otherwise, trumpet’s good.  Trumpet’s good.  Tauren’s kilt?  Yeah, if I can remember it.  [pause]  [singing]  Well, a Tauren clad in kilt went—to a bar one evening fair.  And one could tell by how he’d walked that he’d drunk more than his share.  He tumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet and he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.  He tumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.  Well, about that time, two young and lovely girls just happened by.  And one said to the other, with a twinkle in her eye, “See yon sleeping Tauren, so strong and handsome built, I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”  I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.  And I would sing the rest of it to you, but it actually recounts some rather unclassy behavior.  I can’t honestly condone creeping upon a sleeping drunk and lifting up his kilt.  That’s something that I can’t, on this fine program, endorse.  So I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.  It’s on the internets if you want to see it.  But that’s where I’ll stop.  Just saying.

Blade Brandire says, “Oxhorn, ever since your video about elves, I was wondering if you really do hate elves.”  Yes, with all my Horde heart.  I hate elves.  Elves of every stamp, I hate them.  Blood elves, I hate.  Night elves, I hate.  High elves, I hate.  Wood elves, I hate.  Actually, I take that back.  The Tolkien elves are OK, unless it’s Legolas as played by Orlando Bloom.  Then you’re not OK.  But any other kind of elf is fine, unless it’s in World of Warcraft.  World of Warcraft elves, not a fan.  Not a fan.  Why?  They look like women and they smell like hell.  That’s the reason.  Lavender and rosebuds, not a good combination.  ElToroGuaco says, “But you married one.  How about that?”  OK, with the exception of my beautiful wife, who does play a blood elf in World of Warcraft, I hate elves.  She’s the only elf I like.  Making that clear.  [laughs]  And if you’re a fan of this program.  TheRantus says, “I’m not like the other elves.”  OK, you also are an exception.  If you’re watching this program right now and you are an elf, you’re an exception.  I like ya.  I’m so glad you’re here.  Otherwise, I hate elves.  [laughs]  [pause]  I play a death elf?  What’s a death elf?  Is that like an undead elf?  Undead elves are cool.  Sylvanas is cool.  I like Sylvanas.  [pause]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time.  The program has been going on for an hour and 20 minutes.  It is time for a smoke ship.  That’s right.  For the uninitiated, we have a tradition here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  Once every episode, I blow into existence a painting made entirely of smoke.  It’s of your choosing.  Give me your ideas for a smoke ship in the chat.  If you are at Twitch TV, go to ScotchAndSmokeRings.com.  We’re all in the chat there.  Give me your ideas.  I will pick the one I like the best and I will create a work of art made entirely out of smoke and blow it into existence before your very eyes.  What would you like to see?  Smoke ship time, Oxhorn style.  HStar says, “I didn’t see any smoke rings.”  All right.  That’s a fair criticism.  I do have a fan going on in here.  Actually, it’s not a fan.  It’s a air filter, because I’m producing a lot of smoke and I don’t want to die, so I’ve got an air filter in here.  But I’ve turned it off for you.  I’m going to blow some smoke rings.  Here we go.  [pause]  All right, I got a few good ones in there.  Let’s try some more.  [pause]  OK, there’s still some moving air in here or something, because I’m not getting it right.  Moving air.  It’s not my fault.  All right, still air.  Still air.  [pause]  There we go.  That’s a little better, right?  All right.  [pause]  Tinos14, thank you very much.  I do actually play Mists of Pandaria during this fine program.  I don’t have it up right now, but I did have it up earlier.  So I will be sure to play it next time I broadcast.  My broadcast is about to end very shortly.  But next week, same Ox time, same Ox channel, I will be playing Mists of Pandaria, as I always do.

“A bacon galleon with smoke rings blowing the sails through a scotch sea and Ox singing “Tribute” on Songify, while eating panda pizzas.”  That’s a very fine one.  “Oxhorn wielding his hammer and magic helmet, standing atop the corpse of Deathwing while Staghorn flies off on a giant pecan pie.”  Another good one.  A bacon galleon with smoke rings blowing the sails through a scotch sea and Ox singing “Tribute” on Songify while eating panda pizzas.  Also very nice.  [pause]  “Nethela and Oxhorn have the greatest dance party in existence.  Zug Zug then plots his revenge on Ox for not befriending his Facebook page, then Ox and Zug Zug fight to the death to see who is dominant.”  All right, Nethela, since it is your birthday and we’re celebrating your birthday here at ScotchAndSmokeRings.com, I will, of course, be happy to do your smoke ship.  Here we go.  [pause]

Whoa.  I hope you didn’t blink because if you did, you missed it.  But for the briefest of moments, before your very eyes was this beautiful diorama celebrating Nethela’s birthday.  And it was a dance.  That’s right.  Nethela and Oxhorn in Mists of Pandaria were having the greatest dance party in existence.  Zug Zug, my beard, was plotting his revenge on Ox for not befriending him on Facebook.  And so Ox and Zug Zug, AKA my beard, fight to the death to see who is more dominant.  Of course, we both win because we’re both dominant.  I dominate the beard, but the beard dominates me.   One of those mutual agreements.  Well thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming to this week’s episode of Scotch and Smoke Rings.  So glad you made it.  Tune in next time, same Ox channel, same Ox time, Thursday at 7:00pm Pacific to see me blow smoke rings, drink a little scotch, and of course, play Mists of Pandaria as I always do.  Until then, fine ladies and gentlemen, be sure, my friends, to stay classy.  [pause]  Michael W says, “Bob dies.”  Indeed.  [laughs]  Indeed.

[End of Audio]

Brandon M. Dennis
Hello, fellow beardsmen! I'm an author, marketer, and story-teller. Read my swashbuckling fantasy sea adventure novel, The Tale of Cloran Hastings, and click my name to learn more about me. Enjoy the site!

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